


Choking on the Memory of You

by notverystraight



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Canon Universe, Crying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Keith (Voltron), Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Kissing, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Memory Loss, Miscommunication, Multi, Mutual Pining, Near Death Experiences, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Canon Compliant, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Surgery, Swearing, Team as Family, Unrequited Love, allura and adam are alive, and these tags are a mess sorry, broganes, fuck u vld, hanahaki au but like a little different, i know how it looks but there's a happy ending i promise, its complicated ok, past allurance and lotura, rachels name is raquel cos i said so, side Romellura, sire veracxa, then it isn't again, then its actually unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 51,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28477827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notverystraight/pseuds/notverystraight
Summary: “Do you really not remember me?”Lance’s back was turned, his face angled toward the sky, but the incessant tap of his fingers on the side of the swing told Keith that all Lance’s attention was directed at him, waiting for his answer.Keith clenched his jaw. He wanted to remember Lance. He wanted to look into those ocean blue eyes and swear that he had known them before. He wanted to say that there was at least something familiar about Lance, some flicker at the back of his mind, some dormant memory just aching to be awoken.But no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn’t true.“I wish I did,” Keith whispered softly. “I’m sorry.”-In which Keith gets Hanahaki disease, and has the operation to remove the flowers, along with any memory of Lance, the boy who he’d loved. There’s misunderstandings, there’s regret, there’s heartbreak. How will the boys deal with the aftermath?
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Side Adam/Shiro
Comments: 95
Kudos: 238





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I started writing this so long ago and now I’m finally starting to post it WOW. 
> 
> I’ve written this whole thing already, so I’ll be uploading regularly on Fridays. 
> 
> Look out for the definition of Hanahaki, because I’ve changed it slightly to fit the story better.
> 
> Heads up – Flashbacks are written in italics.

Keith felt like he was drowning. His vision was blurred and his hearing muffled, as if he was hearing everything from six feet underwater. The steady thrum of his pulse thumped in his ears.

“-eith? Keith!”

Somebody was talking. Calling someone. Him, he realized. Keith. They were calling his name.

“Keith, _please_.” He’d never heard anyone say his name like that, so broken, so desperate.

Keith blinked once. Twice.

The spots began to clear from his vision, and his eyes came to focus on the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen, glowing bronze skin and tousled, chocolate brown hair, tears staining his cheeks and brimming on the deepest of blue eyes.

His breath almost hitched as their eyes met.

Keith’s throat was dry and his lips cracked, and he knew his voice would be hoarse from lack of use, but he swallowed, opened his mouth and took a shaky breath to ask –

“Who are you?”

_***_

_Hanahaki Disease – a rare illness born from a love that is believed to be unrequited and has been harbored steadily for 3 or more years. The infected person will have the flowers most closely associated with the person that they love take root and grow in their lungs, causing the patient to cough up parts of the flower. Eventually, the disease will fill the lungs, suffocating the patient from the inside out and killing them within months of contraction._

_The disease can be cured if the patient’s love is returned. The only other known cure is a procedure to surgically remove the flowers from the lungs. However, doing so will remove all memory of the object of the patient’s love, as well as their capacity to fall in love with that person again._

_***_

Dim sunlight seeped through the cracks of the blinds in the hospital room, empty, save for Keith, and cast shadows over the furniture. A fresh breeze from the open window shifted the blinds, causing Keith to squint as light assaulted his eyes. Not having the strength to get up and adjust them again, he shuffled backward a little on the bed to where the shadows fell so that he wasn’t being completely blinded.

Keith was at the Garrison, in the hospital wing. He was sitting up against the headboard, his legs covered in the sheets where he was supposed to be resting, yet couldn’t because of the thoughts swirling in his head.

He’d awoken less than a day ago, aching something unpleasant in his bones that made him wish he was still unconscious. Even so, it was unsurprising that he hadn’t found the ability to get much sleep again, since, as soon as he was awake, he’d been bombarded with a face he didn’t recognize and an onslaught of information that he had no idea what to do with.

As far as Keith understood, these were the facts:

He had just woken up from a three day coma.

During that time, he’d had an operation to remove flowers (???) that had been growing in his lungs.

His friends had all been worried sick about him and hadn’t left him alone the entire time.

And apparently, a side effect of the operation was that his memory had been wiped of the person that he’d supposedly been in love with – a boy called Lance Sanchez-McClain.

Among everything, _that_ was the part that had thrown Keith for a loop.

It was just so… _weird_ was the only way Keith could describe it. Despite all the shit Keith had seen over the years, the universe somehow still managed to surprise him. And maybe Keith wasn’t as _in shock_ as you’d expect him to be in a situation as unprecedented as this, but by this point he was resigned to the fact that weird shit was just going to keep happening to him. Objectively, this wasn’t even the most ridiculous and unexpected thing that he’d ever experienced.

Still. It did seem pretty unbelievable.

Everyone was telling him all these things that had supposedly happened, things that conflicted so jarringly with his own memories.

He was so sure that he’d never seen Lance before in his life. There wasn’t an ounce of familiarity about the other boy, yet apparently, he’d been one of the most major parts of Keith’s life, and had known Keith for as long and just as well some of his closest friends, like Pidge and Hunk. Lance had known him better, even. The very idea seemed completely ridiculous.

If this was true, Keith thought, it would mean that he had years’ worth of corrupted memories.

Keith recalled when Pidge and Hunk had shown up and crashed his mission to rescue Shiro. It was the first time he’d really met them, and according to everyone else, the first time he’d met _Lance_ , too. Before he’d forgotten.

As he ran over the events in his mind, he realized that they actually _were_ a little fuzzy around the edges.

He could remember the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he set off that explosion outside the Garrison, the crunch of his fist against someone’s nose, the numb shock of seeing Shiro again, lying almost lifeless, strapped to that mattress. He remembered yelling instructions at Hunk on which way to lean as they fled from their pursuers and the euphoric rush as they plummeted off the cliff on his hover-bike, the wind whipping his hair and rushing in his ears.

But other things suddenly seemed a little harder to recall. When he tried to focus on the moment Pidge and Hunk had arrived, his memory seemed to lose clarity. He could only vaguely recall someone helping him to carry Shiro and loading him onto his bike, but he couldn’t remember many details. As he tried to hone in, his mind glazed over, going blank, and he momentarily forgot what he was supposed to be thinking about

Shaking his head to clear it, he instead tried to think about when they’d found the first lion. But he was suddenly hit with a wave of dizziness, a sharp pain throbbing behind his eyes. He yelped in shock, bringing his hand up to clutch at his temple.

When the pain subsided, he took a few deep breaths and blinked a couple times.

“What the fuck,” he whispered softly.

Ok, so something was definitely wrong there.

Hesitantly, he reached into his mind again, brushing metaphorical fingertips against the memory of finding the lion. But this time, they were met with nothingness.

Furrowing his brow, he searched for the memory, trying desperately to grasp any sliver of information he could get about the Lion. Where had they found it? Who had flown it? What _color_ was it?

But the memory was just gone, and with it, any associated emotion.

A little frantically, Keith rifled through the files of his mind, starting to go over what he’d experienced over the past few years. As he searched, he found no better results. He could remember four lions of Voltron, Black, Red, Green and Yellow. He could remember the Castle of Lions, vast and unpredictably advanced, that had become like a home to him in his time there. He could remember the war, the battles, the laughter, the chaos.

Yet other parts remained perfectly, frustratingly blank.

It felt very, very wrong.

There were… five lions of Voltron, right? Keith was sure that there had been. He distinctly remembered Allura’s voice, speaking of the legends of the _five_ paladins. But if that was the case, and there was a fifth lion, then what color had it been, even? Orange? Purple? Blue?

Blue – that seemed to click. Yes, he remembered Allura briefly taking her place as a paladin – the _blue_ paladin – before she chose to give up that position in favor of focusing on running the coalition and piloting the castle of lions. But if there really was a blue lion… then who piloted it now?

At that, Keith hit a complete mental roadblock, his mind coming up utterly empty.

… And then, Keith started to think that maybe the whole memory loss thing wasn’t so far-fetched after all.

Bringing his legs up to sit in a cross-legged position beneath the sheets, he leaned back against the headboard and turned the idea over in his head. He hadn’t even thought it could be possible to wipe all memory of a single _person_ from your mind. How would that even work?

 _Well, probably exactly like this_ , his brain supplied drily, and he scoffed at himself irritably.

Hanahaki disease, that’s what they’d called it. They’d told him that it had planted roots in his lungs, weaving and growing until his chest was filled with flowers that spilled over his throat and slowly destroyed him from the inside.

They said it was a disease born of a love, one that lasted over three years, believed to be unrequited.

 _Love_. Here was an idea that Keith had always struggled with, in many ways. As a child, it had been a foreign concept. Something abstract that he’d longed for in the lonely hours of the night at the home, when the air was still and his nights were sleepless, plagued by the cold that ached in his bones. Under the cover of darkness, he’d yearned for that feeling, that safeness, that belonging. It had almost been a dream to him, a mirage that he reached for with desperate hands only to have it evaporate inches from his outstretched fingers.

Now, though, things were different.

Keith had found friends – he’d found a _family_. He’d found everything he’d never dared to hope for as a kid.

He had Adam, who had supported him when no-one else would spare him a second look. He had Hunk, Pidge, Allura and Romelle, who had grown to love him like siblings. He had Coran, wise, whacky, ridiculous Coran, who treated all the paladins like they were his own nieces and nephews. He had even found his mom, Krolia, and though their relationship was still a little rocky, they were making a start, and that was what mattered. And through it all, he’d had Shiro, his brother, who he’d come so close to losing so many times, the one person who’d never given up on him.

These days, Keith was no stranger to love. He felt it brimming in his core when Pidge fell asleep with her head on his shoulder during a movie night, or when Hunk brought out freshly baked cookies after a rough day. He felt it when Adam ruffled his hair playfully, when Coran placed a hand on his shoulder to impart some nonsensical advice, when Romelle rambled about whatever new thing she’d gotten interested in recently, and when Allura pleaded with him to let her braid his hair. He felt it when his mom smiled at him awkwardly, with a hesitant offer to talk something out. Most of all, he felt it when Shiro wrapped him in a hug, promising that he would always believe in him, and that they would always have each other, no matter what.

 _Romantic_ love, though… that was a whole other story. It wasn’t an area with which Keith had much experience, to say the least.

Sure, he’d had crushes. A green-eyed boy from second grade who’d always been friendlier toward him than the other children. A kid with curly hair who’d always laughed a little too loudly and smiled a little too brightly from his fifth grade class. A boy with a subtle but lean build from his math class at his old middle school, who was always a nice view to zone out on when algebra got too boring.

But they’d never been _real_. At the most, they were something nice to think about or look at to take his mind off things for a moment. Enough to tell him he was gay, anyway. But he’d never been in _love_. Never even dated, for that matter. He wasn’t even sure any of those boys counted as real crushes, seeing as Keith rarely spared them a second thought if not to occasionally take in that they were easy on the eyes. The furthest he’d ever gotten with anyone were a few sloppy make-out sessions behind buildings at the Garrison.

And now people were telling him that he, Keith, had been in love with someone, for so long and so deeply, that it had literally been choking him from the inside. To say it was unbelievable would be an understatement.

What was worse, the other boy had _loved him back_. Keith had had someone that he loved, who loved him in return, and of course, he had gone and ruined it. Ruined it for himself, and for Lance.

 _Lance_. When Keith had woken up, his face was the first he’d seen. Keith was immediately struck by how handsome the other boy was. Yet, the feeling wasn’t quite what he would have expected. When he’d seen Lance, it was much like his reaction to Allura – she was stunning, yes, breathtakingly so, yet didn’t make his heart flutter or his palms sweat. Almost like an appreciation of art.

Keith remembered the pain in the other boy’s eyes, the tears welling at the corners of red-rimmed eyes when Keith had asked who he was. The other boy hadn’t even been able to formulate a proper response. His expression had collapsed and his lower lip had trembled as he withdrew, choking on a sob. Then, as Keith’s friends had rushed over to meet him and the doctors fussed over his vitals, Lance had turned silently and retreated from the room.

Keith cursed out loud, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He’d really fucked up this time, hadn’t he?

He couldn’t imagine what Lance must be feeling. To have the person you love ripped so cruelly from your grasp, to know that you could have had something, that you were so close, but you missed your chance by a hair’s breadth.

And there, sitting in his hospital bed with his fists clenched on his lap, Keith knew that whether he remembered Lance or not, it didn’t matter. The boy was _hurting_ , hurting because of Keith, and he was going to do his damnedest to help him heal. No matter if Keith was uncomfortable, no matter how wary he usually was around new people. He’d made this mess, and he couldn’t just leave this boy – couldn’t just leave _Lance_ – to pick up the broken pieces.

_***_

_Keith’s chest clenched horribly and then he was on his knees, coughing, choking on something deep in his throat. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. Pidge was beside him in an instant, her hands on his shoulders, rubbing his back as her cries rang in his ears._

_“Keith?! Oh my god, what’s wrong? –”_

_But Keith almost couldn’t hear her. Stomach clenching, he choked and wheezed, lungs burning, throat aching, he was gagging, retching, spitting and then –_

_And then there it was. Branching off from a single stem, small, almost delicate, were the tiny five-petaled flowers that had been haunting Keith’s days for the past few weeks. They laid there on the floor in front of him, limp with moisture, but somehow still shockingly vibrant, spitefully beautiful._

_Keith sat back on his heels, hands braced on the floor beside his knees as he panted, the harsh air scraping his throat. He lowered his gaze, Pidge lapsing into a shocked silence beside him._

_Slowly, shakily, she reached out a hand toward the flowers. The harsh blue contrasted sharply with the pale skin of her palm, in which the plant could barely fit. Small specks of blood were visible on the edges of the petals from where Keith had coughed his throat raw. Pidge’s fingers trembled as she turned to look at him, incredulous, disconcerted and very, very concerned._

_“Keith,” she whispered, amber eyes wide behind her glasses, “What the fuck is this?”_

_Pidge sat beside Keith on the sofa, gripping his wrist gently and studying him with a frown._

_“There’s really no other cure?”_

_Keith smiled at her sadly, “If there was, Pidge, I would have already done it.”_

_Pidge didn’t say anything, just looked at him. Her grip on his wrist tightened almost involuntarily. Like always, her fluffy, light-brown hair stuck up at odd angles around her head, and Keith couldn’t help but think that this made it much more apparent how young his friend was. He sometimes forgot that she was barely sixteen._

_“They said I have about three months before… you know.” Keith continued, and although he spoke quietly, his voice seemed to echo in the empty room._

_There was a pause while Pidge continued to stare at him, expression flickering between frustration and distress. Then she tore her gaze from his face, instead turning to focus on their hands where they rested on Keith’s thigh._

_After a moment, she spoke. “You know that you have no choice, right?”_

_Keith’s breath caught in his throat._

_“W-what?” he stuttered out, caught off guard._

_“You have to do it, Keith,” she told him, looking up and turning her body to face him fully. “You have to have the operation. The one to remove the flowers.”_

_“I-I-” Keith floundered for a moment, “Pidge, I- I can’t –”_

_“You can’t what, Keith?” Pidge interrupted sharply. Keith could see the fire in her eyes that told him she knew exactly what he was thinking. “What? Did you think we would be ok with this? Did you think I would just go along with it when you’re going to –?”_

_Her voice faltered with emotion, tears beginning to well in the corners of her eyes. She grabbed both his hands in hers and gripped them tightly. Keith felt a lump rising to his throat._

_Pidge swallowed before continuing. “Did you think– God, Keith, what are you thinking? You can’t do this to us, Keith, you know you can’t – you can’t leave us like this – you can’t –” Pidge’s lower lip wobbled, and then she was launching herself forward, wrapping her arms tightly around her friend and burying her face in his chest._

_Clenching his jaw, with tears pricking at his eyes, Keith held Pidge gently in his arms while she began to cry into his t-shirt._

_She was right, Keith realized. While Keith had been busy clinging to the past and worrying about his own turmoil, he hadn’t even thought to consider the impact that this decision would have on his friends, his_ family _._ _Keith remembered when he’d found out his mom had left him, when his father had died, when Shiro had disappeared. He remembered the pain, the anguish of losing someone you loved, and Keith knew he would never, ever wish for his loved ones to go through that pain for him._

_He’d been selfish, he realized, hugging Pidge a little tighter to his chest, tears tracking down his cheeks. He had to let go. His family needed him._

_It just wasn’t_ fair _. None of this was._

_They stayed like that for some time, hugging each other as they cried._

_“I’m sorry,” Keith whispered after a while, hoarsely, softly, shakily. “I’m so sorry, Pidge, I’m such an idiot –”_

_“Don’t,” Pidge forced out, lifting her head from his shoulder and rubbing vigorously at her eyes. “Seriously, man, stop that shit or I’m never gonna stop crying.”_

_Keith let out a weak laugh, wiping his own eyes on the sleeve of his jacket._

_Pidge offered a small smile as she shuffled back to sit back next to him. Sighing quietly, they settled, leaning into each other while they calmed their breathing._

_Keith knew what the right thing to do was now. He knew what he_ had _to do. But that didn’t make it any easier._

_“I don’t want to forget, Pidge,” he whispered._

_She rested her head on her shoulder. “I know.”_

_***_

_Forget-me-nots – Just as the name implies, forget-me-nots mean remembrance. They symbolize the remembrance of cherished memories between people, during partings or after death, as well as loyalty in a relationship, despite separation or other challenges. They represent a connection that lasts through time. They can also signify true and undying love._

_Remembrance, Keith thought wryly. Kind of ironic, really._

_(He didn’t even want to think about the ‘true love’ part.)_

***

“How’re you feeling, kid?”

Keith turned his head away from where he was gazing out of the window to see a tall, brunet man with toffee-colored skin leaning against the door of the hospital room. His arms were crossed over his chest and from his fingers dangled a plastic bag. A small smirk sat on his lips, mirth dancing in his brown eyes – it was a look he usually reserved for when Keith had done something amusingly reckless or gotten himself into an impossible situation.

Keith smiled in greeting. “Hey, Adam.”

Pushing off of the doorframe, Adam adjusted his glasses and came over to sit on the bed next to Keith.

“Way to avoid the question,” Adam retorted, bringing the bag onto his lap. Keith didn’t respond at that, but Adam didn’t push it. Instead, he reached into the bag and brought out a sealed container, and the moment he popped it open Keith was hit with the mouthwatering scent of Adam’s feijoada.

“Oh my god, thank you so much,” Keith inhaled the scent as Adam handed it to him, along with a spoon and fork. “You’re literally a life saver, Adam.”

Adam laughed a little at his reaction, leaning back on his hands to watch Keith grab the fork and begin to wolf down the meal, “I can imagine. I was stuck in this place for weeks after my accident, you don’t need to tell me that the food here sucks ass.”

Keith only hummed in acknowledgement, a little too occupied with stuffing his face to reply, although he did glance over at the pale scar that stretched over Adam’s temple, almost like a spider web, cutting down his jawline to ripple over the skin on the side of his neck and disappear under his shirt, and the steel grey hearing aid on his left ear.

While Keith ate, Adam brought out his own container of food and some cutlery. As he took his first bite, Keith paused, already halfway through his own food.

“Wow, this is just as good as I remember,” Keith commented around a mouthful. “Hey Adam, have I ever told you that I like you way better than Shiro?”

“Please,” Adam smiled playfully, “You totally wouldn’t if ‘Kashi ever learned how to cook.”

“Well, I guess you’re in the clear, then,” Keith returned, sniggering.

Adam joined in his laughter. “Yeah, you’re right. The day that man cooks something without burning it will be the day Iverson tells everyone how he really lost that eye.”

Keith groaned, “For the last fucking time, Adam, I didn’t take his goddamn eye out,” he protested over Adam’s laughter. “Just because he lost it right when I was booted doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it!”

“You can say whatever you want, man,” Adam shrugged with a smirk, “You may have everyone else fooled, but you can’t hide the truth from me.”

Keith scoffed and gave the older man a shove in the shoulder, wincing slightly at the way his body ached in protest. There was a reason he’d been put on bedrest, after all. Adam only chuckled.

They finished their meal in a comfortable silence, and once they were done, Adam put their containers back in the bag and placed it to one side. Then he turned to Keith, gaze becoming serious.

“What happened to you was pretty damn rare, you know,” Adam told him bluntly, “Most people can’t stay in love with someone for so long, and so intensely, without any hope at all that their feelings are returned. You were one hell of an exception, Keith. Which is quite surprising, seeing as it’s you.”

Letting out a small huff, Keith leaned back against the headboard. Classic Adam, buttering him up with his favourite food before going straight in for the kill.

“Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you are,” he replied drily. “I didn’t even know a disease like that _existed_.”

“Yeah, that’s what we all said when we found out you had it,” Adam said, leaning back on his hands again. “Apparently, even with your circumstances, the chances of getting it are really slim – close to zero.”

“Just my luck, huh?” Keith chuckled. Adam didn’t crack a smile.

“You didn’t tell any of us it had gotten this bad, Keith,” Adam told him. “We knew you were sick, we just didn’t know you were literally about to _die_. For some stupid reason, you decided to keep it from us until the last minute.”

Keith blinked. “Huh, that does sound like something I’d do,” he mused, then, when Adam gave him a look of annoyance, he sighed and spread his hands, “Look, I’m sorry, I really am, I just really don’t remember any of this, okay? I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Adam continued to regard him for a moment, then he deflated. “Alright, I don’t mean to be so harsh, I just…” Adam pursed his lips, gaze becoming intense. “We almost lost you. You really scared us, man.”

As Keith opened his mouth to protest again, Adam held his hands up and continued, “I know, there’s no point in lecturing you about something you don’t even remember. Just... please don’t pull anymore stupid shit like this. At this rate, I’m gonna go grey before I reach thirty.”

At that, Keith let out a snort. “You seem to like it on your boyfriend,” he teased, nudging Adam with his elbow.

“Fiancé,” Adam corrected, “And Takashi could probably shave his whole head and wear nothing but a potato sack and still look hot, have you seen the guy?”

“Ew, Adam,” Keith complained, wrinkling his nose, “That’s my brother you’re talking abou– Wait,” Keith stopped, suddenly processing what Adam had said. “Did you just say fiancé?”

Adam bit his lip, trying and failing to hide a proud smile.

“Adam!” Keith exclaimed, “You proposed?”

“Well, actually, he proposed,” Adam admitted, showing Keith the gold engagement band on his left ring finger with a blush. “I know I talked about doing it myself a lot, but one morning last week, Takashi just kinda sprung it on me.”

Keith was speechless. He could scarcely believe that his gay disaster of a brother had finally gotten his shit together. And the ring he’d picked out for Adam wasn’t half bad, either. It was elegant, with two intertwining bands, inset with sparkling trails of diamonds.

“It’s engraved,” Adam said, slipping it off his finger and showing it to Keith. On the inside were the words, _My heart belongs with yours_.

“It’s beautiful,” Keith breathed.

“It really is,” Adam agreed quietly, putting it back on.

“Oh shit,” Keith said suddenly. “Oh shit, you guys are getting _married_.”

Adam chuckled, “I mean, yeah, that is what _engaged_ means –”

“That’s amazing!” Keith laughed. He reached out and pulled his soon to be brother-in-law in for a hug, ignoring his aching body. “All this time – I nearly died watching you two fuckin’ dancing around each other for _so long_ , Adam, and now it’s _finally happening_ , I can’t believe this –”

He pulled back and clasped a very amused looking Adam by the shoulders. “I am so fucking proud of you guys right now.”

“Guess I can rest easy knowing that,” Adam commented drily, but his giddy grin gave him away.

“Adam, I’m serious,” Keith told him, his grin wide. He released his hold on Adam to run a hand through his hair. “I can’t fucking _believe_ you got engaged without telling me.”

“I mean, you fucked off to space for like, five years without telling _me_ , so I think we’re pretty even,” Adam quipped.

Keith groaned. Way to ruin the moment. “I already said I’m sorry, Adam, it wasn’t like I _planned_ that –”

Just then, the door to the hospital room opened and in came a nurse.

“Hi, I’m so sorry, Professor Waman,” the nurse said with a sheepish smile, “We’ve got to run some tests now.” He tapped his pen against a clipboard he was holding.

Reluctantly, Adam got up from the bed beside Keith, and glanced at him with a reassuring smile. “We’ll talk more later. You’ll be out of here soon, man, don’t you worry.”

“Oh, I’m not worried,” Keith told him. “I’m leaving tomorrow, with permission or without.”

Where Shiro would have chuckled and shook his head fondly, Adam just raised a skeptical eyebrow, before ruffling Keith’s hair with a smile. He grabbed his bag of now empty food containers and left the hospital room, nodding politely to the nurse as he went.

_***_

_“Are you sure?” Shiro’s brows were furrowed, hand gripping Keith’s shoulder tightly as he searched his eyes._

_“Of course I am, Shiro,” Keith growled, wrenching himself out of Shiro’s grasp and avoiding his gaze. “It’s not like I have much of a choice.”_

_Shiro frowned at him worriedly. Keith knew that his brother just cared about him and wanted what was best for him, but he honestly didn’t know what Shiro expected. There wasn’t anything else Keith_ could _do._

_“Have you talked to Lance about it?” Shiro asked quietly. Oh. So that was what this was about. Despite himself, Keith felt his fists clench in frustration._

_“Shiro,” he gritted slowly. “He’s the whole reason I’m in this mess in the first place. Why the fuck would I talk to him about it?”_

_“I think that’s exactly why you need to talk to him about it.” Shiro replied steadily. His gaze was unwavering._

_Keith scoffed and turned away._

_“Keith,” Shiro sighed wearily. “Don’t you think he deserves to know?”_

_Keith screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to hear it._

_He knew that he was being unnecessarily testy, but he couldn’t do this right now. It was just the same conversation he’d had with himself over and over and he didn’t want to go through it anymore._

_Carefully, Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder again and spoke quietly._

_“You’re going to forget him, Keith.”_

_Keith felt something inside him begin to fracture, and he trembled, fighting the urge to lash out, punch someone, break something._

_“You have to tell him. It’s only fair.” And just like that, all the fight drained from Keith’s body. His hands unclenched and he let out a long breath._

_Because really, Shiro did have an annoying habit of always being right._

_“I’ll tell him,” Keith relented, knowing he had no choice. “But… later. I’ll tell him before the operation, I swear, but… not right now.”_

_Shiro levelled him with a stare, raising a single eyebrow in a questioning manner. Keith hated how he could convey perfectly good points without even saying a word._

_“I will,” Keith insisted, voice unsteady. “I promise, I… I just need some time.”_

_Shiro looked at Keith for a moment longer before giving him a soft smile and pulling him into a one-armed hug, ruffling his hair like he used to when he was a kid. Keith didn’t even protest, just hugged him back tightly, swallowing the lump in his throat and shutting his eyes again briefly._

_“We’ll get through this, Keith.” Shiro told him quietly. “We will.”_

_Keith wished he could believe him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 will be up next Friday! That’s when we’ll see Keith and Lance REALLY interact…
> 
> Feedback and criticism is greatly appreciated, as well as just any kind of comment. If you have literally any thoughts about this, leave a comment! Talk to me! PLEASE leave comments, you guys xxx


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith, caught off guard, didn’t know how to respond. Lance was holding his hand. A boy was holding his hand – a cute boy, no less. Keith looked down at their joint hands, the beautiful contrast between pale and caramel skin. It should be enough to set his heart pounding, his stomach fluttering, his skin tingling.
> 
> And yet.
> 
> Keith felt nothing.
> 
> Nothing but the emptiness in his chest and the heaviness in his stomach.

“Do you really not remember me?”

Lance was sitting on a swing seat in a garden at the Garrison when Keith found him. It had been a few days since he’d been discharged from the hospital, and the only time he’d seen Lance so far was at their meetings that morning, where Lance had barely acknowledged Keith’s presence, and fled from the room as soon as they were dismissed.

This was the first time Keith had gotten the opportunity to speak to him properly.

Lance’s back was turned, his face angled toward the sky, but the incessant tap of his fingers on the side of the swing told Keith that all Lance’s attention was directed at him, waiting for his answer. He wondered if that was a habit of his.

Keith took him in, trailing his eyes over the slope of his shoulders and the slight curl of his hair against the nape of his neck. He took in how the sunlight seemed to cause his caramel skin to glow, his freckles like constellations where they littered his arms.

Keith’s first impression had been right. He really was beautiful.

Clenching his jaw, Keith tore his gaze from the boy in front of him and studied the grass beneath his boots with a frown.

He wanted to remember Lance. He wanted to look into those ocean blue eyes and swear that he had known them before. He wanted to say that there was at least _something_ familiar about Lance, some flicker at the back of his mind, some dormant memory just aching to be awoken.

But no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn’t true.

“I wish I did,” Keith whispered softly. “I’m sorry.”

Lance didn’t seem to be surprised by his answer, drawing his legs up to sit cross-legged on the seat and looking down at where he now brought his hands to rest on his lap.

Hesitantly, Keith came closer. Lance didn’t move or look up, even when Keith sat beside him on the swing seat, their knees brushing.

“I’d like to,” Keith spoke up softly, studying his own hands. “Get to know you, that is. We could still be… f-friends.” His voice faltered a little. He knew that wasn’t what Lance had wanted, he knew from the way Lance had avoided his gaze when they were in the same room, from the pain in his eyes whenever they happened to scan his face in a brief moment of weakness. But it was all Keith could give, and he knew he had to try.

Lance let out a weak chuckle. Keith looked over and was taken aback when he saw moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes. “Friends, huh?”

Keith’s brows furrowed in distress. He hadn’t meant to upset him. “Oh, I – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, man,” Lance assured him, a small smile gracing his lips despite the tears that rolled down his cheeks. “It isn’t your fault. None of this is.”

That brought a sour taste to Keith’s mouth, because everything about this, this whole situation, was so _obviously_ Keith’s fault, yet Lance didn’t seem to see it that way. In fact, bizarrely, he seemed to be blaming _himself_ , and that fact was so frustrating, something that Keith just couldn’t wrap his head around.

He didn’t realize he was clenching his fists until Lance reached over to pry open his fingers and take Keith’s hand in his with a gentle squeeze. Keith, caught off guard, didn’t know how to respond. Lance was holding his hand. A boy was holding his hand – a cute boy, no less. Keith looked down at their joint hands, the beautiful contrast between pale and caramel skin. It should be enough to set his heart pounding, his stomach fluttering, his skin tingling.

And yet.

Keith felt nothing.

Nothing but the emptiness in his chest and the heaviness in his stomach.

Even so, he squeezed Lance’s hand reassuringly in return, forcing a smile and swallowing the lump in his throat. “Could we maybe… start over?”

Lance raised an eyebrow, regarding Keith curiously. “Start over?”

“Yeah. Like, from the beginning,” Keith explained, “You can tell me about you… and I can tell you about me, and we’ll see where we go from there.” He glanced up at Lance to gauge his reaction.

Lance huffed a laugh, releasing Keith’s hand from his grip to wipe away the tears staining his cheeks. “We… I mean– fuck, yeah alright,” he relented, grinning, “Let’s start over.”

He turned his body toward Keith, sticking out a hand. “Hi, the name’s Lance Sanchez-McClain. Pleasure to meet you.”

Keith regarded his hand for a moment, then slowly, he reached out to shake it, the corner of his mouth quirking upwards. “I’m Keith Kogane… and it’s nice to meet you, too.”

***

_Keith and Lance were sitting in Lance’s living room, chatting idly as they threw Cheetos at each other, trying to catch them in their mouths. So far, Lance had caught 22 and Keith had caught 24, a smug smirk sitting on his lips at Lance’s frustrated huffs._

_“You’re cheating, Mullet,” he grumbled as Keith chewed on the Cheeto he’d just caught._

_Keith only chuckled, “Keep telling yourself that, Lance.” With a frustrated groan, Lance shifted on the sofa so he was resting a little more comfortably against the armrest. Keith was sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, and Lance offered the bag of Cheetos to him._

_Taking the bag, he reached in to grab one. He flicked it, making a graceful arc towards Lance. Lance craned his neck toward it, but it only bounced off the tip of his nose, landing on the carpet. Keith chuckled softly as Lance wrinkled his nose, his mouth forming an adorable pout._

_“I hate you so much,” Lance complained, glaring at Keith’s smug grin._

_Keith shook his head, “Sure you do,” he returned, holding the bag out to Lance, “Are you gonna toss me one, or what?”_

_Scowling, Lance snatched the bag back. He took another Cheeto between his fingers, and tossed it through the air in a similar arc toward Keith._

_Keith followed it with his eyes and darted forward to catch it, before turning to Lance with his eyebrows raised complacently and the Cheeto between his teeth._

_Oh, come on!” came Lance’s petulant whine, and Keith couldn’t hold back his laughter at that._

_Okay, you know what,” Lance sat up, and Keith prepared himself for a long tangent, “I totally would have caught that last one if your aim wasn’t so_ shitty _. I mean, seriously, man, what are you aiming for, the ceiling fan?”_

 _" Hey!” Keith protested, “I’m not that bad!”_

_“You absolutely are,” Lance retorted, pointing a Cheeto at him accusingly. “The only reason_ you’re _catching any is because of my awesome sharpshooter skills!”_

 _“Yup,” Keith nodded drily. “Nothing to do with_ my _reflexes at all.”_

 _“Yes!” Lance agreed, despite Keith’s obvious sarcasm. “You’d be_ nothing _without me!”_

_“I mean, sure, I need someone to throw the Cheetos,” Keith said nonchalantly._

_He allowed himself to gaze at Lance fondly as the other boy let out an offended gasp and started to ramble about how Keith had no appreciation for their friendship, and was obviously jealous of his cool ninja skills, using his hands to create elaborate gestures as he spoke. Lance’s long fingers seemed to grasp at invisible strands in the air as they flailed widely. Watching him, Keith couldn’t help but think that loved how expressive Lance was, raising his perfectly shaped eyebrows in emphasis, throwing his head back and causing his short curls to bounce a little. His mouth moved so fast, those pink lips curving to form words which Keith could not focus on for the life of him, his attention more taken by the slight smile that was tugging at the edge of Lance’s mouth as he rambled, threatening to take over his features and leaving Keith slightly breathless._

_“… Dude, are you even listening?” Lance paused in his rambling to survey Keith amusedly._

_Keith started, then blinked and offered a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I guess I got distracted,” he mumbled, letting his eyes roam over Lance’s features and feeling a small thrill of satisfaction at the embarrassed flush that tinged the other boy’s cheekbones._

_Internally, Keith knew that he shouldn’t be making those kinds of comments – the guy had a girlfriend, for crying out loud – but how could he not indulge himself when Lance’s reaction was so perfect?_

_Scoffing, Lance reached over to shove him in the shoulder, cheeks still red. “Keith!” he whined over Keith’s laughter._

_For all Lance’s flirting and bravado, he really couldn’t take what he dished out. A simple compliment could turn him into a flustered mess, a fact that Keith took advantage of way more often than he should, really._

_Just as Lance was snatching up the Cheetos again, an abrupt burn bubbled in Keith’s chest and he recognized the telltale feeling of something forcing its way up his throat._

_He tried to swallow it down, like he’d been managing to do successfully the entire afternoon, but his chest tightened painfully and he felt acrid bile rising to his mouth._

No _, he thought frantically,_ not now _._

_Things had been going so well. He had come here to explain this properly – he hadn’t had the chance to do that yet, to tell Lance everything, and he didn’t want him to find out like this._

_But there was a tearing pain in his windpipe that refused to be ignored, and it was becoming almost impossible for Keith to keep breathing._

_Abruptly, Keith scrambled upright, stood and blurted something about the ‘bathroom’ before stumbling out of the room, ignoring Lance’s confused cries after him._

_He fumbled into the bathroom, just managing to close and lock the door before he fell to his knees, hacking coughs wracking his body. Clumps of petals and leaves began to spew onto the floor in front of him with no signs of ceasing as he choked around them and spat._

_It was as if Keith’s entire torso was on fire. Distantly, he was shocked that he even had the capacity to feel so much pain, body shuddering and throat gaping around the grate of forget-me-nots and silent screams._

_The flowers were flecked in blood and phlegm, coming out shredded and scattered, more than he’d ever coughed up before._

_Blood was pumping heavily in his ears. He heaved and wheezed, but he could barely hear himself. His throat and chest tightened painfully as the flowers were ripped from his throat, scraping cruelly._

_Eventually, the coughing ceased, but his chest still clenched and Keith almost cried out in pain. Something was wrong._

_Keith’s breathing was shallow and ragged. He braced himself on his hands and knees. Vision blurring in a frenzy of red and blue, he tried to focus on the floor in front of him._

_“Keith?” Lance’s voice carried from outside the bathroom, muffled through the door and laced with concern._

_Keith jumped at the sound. He blinked to clear his vision and took in the mess of petals before him._

_A knock sounded on the bathroom door. “Keith, are you okay?”_

_Keith swallowed in a futile attempt to soothe his burning throat before answering. “Yeah, I’m fine,” his voice was hoarser than he would have liked, but it was the best he could do. “Don’t worry about me.”_

_Ignoring the gnawing in his chest and the dizziness that pounded on his skull, Keith managed to gather all the flowers in his shaking hands, shoving them into the small wastebasket at the corner of the room._

_“Are you sure?” came Lance’s voice again, sounding increasingly worried._

_Keith quickly grabbed a bunch of tissue from the roll beside him and stuffed it over the flowers in the wastebasket, concealing them from view._

_Then he stood, legs dangerously unsteady, and after taking a painful, steadying breath, went to unlock the bathroom door._

_He opened it and was met with ocean-blue eyes, immediately beginning to study him with worry. He and Lance were exactly the same height now, which meant that they were eye-level with one another, and Keith could never decide if that was a good thing or not. Now, his gaze meeting Lance’s wide, concerned eyes, Keith decided that it was very, very bad._

_“Keith,” Lance breathed, “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” He reached out a hand toward him, but Keith quickly brushed him off, moving past him into the hallway. His whole body was trembling, and he knew he had to get out of there._

_“I’m fine, just… I guess I’m not feeling very well, I- I should get going…” Keith words fumbled with one another in his haste to get to the door and get his shoes on._

_“Wait– Keith –” Lance followed him into the hallway, “Are you saying you’re sick or something?”_

_“Uh, yeah, must have been… Something I ate.” Keith mumbled, stuffing his feet in his shoes. “It’s no big deal, I should probably get going, though.”_

_“What are you – Keith, wait!” Lance grabbed his shoulder and turned him around just as he was reaching for the front door._

_The jostling caused a twisting, tearing sensation in his chest, but Keith bit the inside of his cheek to hold back any yelps of pain, his teeth digging in so hard, he could taste the metallic tang of blood. The last thing he needed was for Lance to be more worried than he already was._

_Lance looked at him and sighed, and Keith could sense bitter disappointment in the sound, for some reason. He didn’t have time to dwell on that now, though._

_“If you’re not feeling well…” Lance began, “At least let me drive you home. There’s no way I’m letting you ride back on that deathtrap if you’re sick.” he told him, referring to Keith’s hover-bike with a distasteful wince. Keith couldn’t help but think that it showed how much Lance cared, since he was usually endearingly excited at the idea of anything reckless and wild, much like Keith himself. The thought did nothing to soothe his burning lungs._

_Keith swallowed painfully. Lance driving him home? That was a terrible idea. Keith’s throat was already welling up at the sight of him; he wasn’t sure he could bear being in his presence for much longer._

_“Please, Keith.” Lance was gazing at him hopefully, and_ God _, Keith was weak for those eyes. One look from Lance, and Keith swore, he’d throw himself straight in the line of fire of a thousand Galra sentries if he asked him to, without a second thought._

_Plus, Keith already felt bad that he was leaving so abruptly; he was surprised that Lance wasn’t angry with him for not even offering a real explanation, the other boy only seeming upset and concerned. Somehow, that only made Keith feel like even more of a jackass._

_Keith sighed in defeat, trying not to wince as harsh air scraped his throat. “Sure,” he relented quietly, offering a tight smile._

_Lance smiled in return, a small, triumphant thing, and while he bent down to grab his shoes, Keith subtly steadied himself against the wall, willing his legs to remain stable._

_He could barely breathe as it was – if Lance kept smiling at him like that, Keith wouldn’t be able to stop himself from doubling over and coughing up flowers right then and there._

_The ride home was silent, a layer of tension lacing the air between the two boys. Keith was struggling to keep his breath steady, trying to hide his discomfort from Lance. In the driver’s seat, Lance’s fingers tapped at the steering wheel in a nervous pattern, occasionally glancing at Keith out of the corner of his eye._

_Keith kept his eyes resolutely on the road ahead of them, though he took in the sound of Lance’s tapping fingers. It was a habit of Lance’s that Keith had always observed. Whether it was a product of his ADHD or simply nervous energy (or both, perhaps), Keith didn’t know, but it was a familiar sound. It was grounding._

_It distracted him from the twisting roots embedding themselves in his lungs._

_When they arrived at the apartment where Keith was staying with Shiro and Adam, Keith wrenched open the car door, muttering a quick thanks to Lance, trying to get inside before he collapsed._

_Then he heard Lance getting out of his car and following him to the front door, and felt his hand grab Keith’s shoulder, and although his whole body was protesting, he turned to meet Lance’s eyes again. He couldn’t be unfair to him – none of this was really his fault, after all._

_Lance scanned his face, as if he was searching for something in his expression. Keith didn’t know if he found it, because then he was exhaling deeply and pulling Keith into a hug. Keith’s lungs burned, but his arms came to settle around the other boy’s middle, trying not to lean too heavily on him, though it was becoming hard to stay standing._

_“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Lance whispered, breath tickling Keith’s neck. “I’m here for you. I’m your_ friend _, Keith.”_

_At that, bile began to rise in Keith’s throat, his knees wobbling dangerously. Turning his face into Lance’s hair, he briefly allowed himself to inhale his comforting scent of ocean waves, a crisp breath of air after a storm and a deeper undertone of sweet vanilla that always lingered around him before pulling away and stepping back._

_“Thank you. I- I gotta go. See you later.” And then Keith was fumbling with his keys in the door, shoving his way inside before pushing the door shut behind him._

_Keith barely made it to the sofa before he collapsed in a heap. He didn’t even have the strength to cough, his entire body throbbing with tight pain. Breathing was almost impossible, each breath a desperate gasp for air, and Keith’s head was spinning from lack of oxygen._

_Something was terribly wrong._

_Keith reached a shaking hand into his pocket to grab his phone. Managing to unlock it, he opened his messages and began typing to Shiro, fingers stumbling over the keys._

**_You - > Takashit_ **

**_You:_ ** _Shirp_

_helb_

_jus got home_

_cant breat_

_nees tp go hopsital_

_siro ?_

_Keith tossed his phone away, trying to focus on breathing. His vision was clouding, he felt his consciousness slipping as his chest writhed with pain._

_He was vaguely aware of the buzz of a notification on his phone, and his last thought before he blacked out was that he hoped Lance would get home safe._

***

“Tell me something about us.”

“Something… about us?”

“Yeah.”

Keith and Lance were outside of Keith’s old shack in the desert, Keith doing some maintenance on his hover-bike. Lance had come by to pick something up. 

“Tell me, you know, how we met, and what we were like, and… yeah.” Keith didn’t look up, busy twisting something or other into place.

His hair was tied back in a small ponytail to keep it off his neck, and he had a few grease stains streaked across his pale skin, now lightly tanned from the sunlight. Occasionally he would lift the hem of his white tank top to wipe beads of sweat from his forehead, and Lance would have to raise his eyes to the heavens and pray for the Lord to have mercy on him.

“Uh,” Lance stammered intelligently, trying not to track the way Keith’s subtle yet lean arm muscles tensed as he gripped his wrench.

“W-well, uh, we met at the Garrison,” he began, “I mean, _I_ knew you from the Garrison, but you didn’t seem to remember anyone there very well, so I guess we really met for the first time when we were rescuing Shiro.”

Keith nodded, as if trying to fit that in somewhere. “You were the one who helped me carry him, right?”

“Yeah,” Lance answered, surprised, “How did you know?”

“I remember that someone helped me carry Shiro, but I didn’t know who,” he explained, brushing his sweaty bangs from his face. “Go on.”

Lance swallowed, before continuing, “We didn’t exactly get on at first. Mainly my fault, really. I had this obsession with you from when we were at the Garrison, and convinced myself you were my ‘rival’ or whatever.” Lance thought it was better not to mention that this had just been an unfortunate symptom of a badly handled crush. “Obviously, you had no idea who I was when I showed up that day, which only pissed me off more.”

He chuckled, remembering how ridiculous they’d been. “I used to turn literally everything into a competition. Like, who could eat their food goo the fastest, who’s lion was faster, who could get to their hangar first, who was _taller_ – I was winning that last one, by the way, until you decided to disappear for half a month and come back two years older and ten times bigger!” Ok, admittedly that might be an exaggeration. Keith was barely an inch taller, if Lance was being honest, but it still meant he had lost his height advantage!

“Wh- You tried to compete over dumb shit like that?” Keith snorted incredulously.

“Yes, Keith, and the worst part is, you were just as bad!” Lance told him, grinning. “Every single time, without fail, you’d take the bait. Even with the most stupid, pointless crap.”

Keith blinked. “I want to say that I would never do that, but to be honest, I’m not that surprised.”

“Not surprised that hot-head Keith can’t turn down a challenge?” Lance laughed. “So yeah, that was us. To be honest, though, we really were friends, even when we were pretending to hate each other. And we did enjoy spending time together, especially as we got closer as a team.

“Actually, I think we became closer to each other than we were to anyone else on the team,” Lance went on quietly. “When you piloted Black, we really started to work together. We had each other’s backs.”

He let his gaze wander to the boy in front of him, and found dark violet eyes already looking into his own.

“A lot of stuff happened in between, but by the time we got back to earth, we were… best friends.”

Both boys were quiet for a moment as they gazed at one another.

“Best friends, huh?” Keith murmured, looking up at Lance. His eyes seemed to glint with some kind of frustrated longing, and Lance tried to ignore the way it made his stomach swoop. “I’ve never really had a best friend before.”

Swallowing, Lance tore his eyes away, fixating on his own fingers where they tapped ceaselessly against his thigh.

He managed to offer a strained smile. “Well, we’re starting over, right? Maybe we’ll get there again someday.”

“Someday,” Keith echoed absently. Still, Lance couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes again. “Maybe.”

Mentally, Lance shook himself. Why had he come here, anyway? He could have sent Pidge, or Hunk, or even one of his siblings to pick up the parts to fix his older brother’s car that Keith had so kindly offered them, since he had many spare bits and pieces lying around the shack anyway. Really, Lance had no business being here. And he thought as much as he found himself watching a lock of Keith’s dark hair slowly fall loose from its ponytail and into his face, tickling his jawline. The tiny huff Keith let out as he brushed it away might as well have been an arrow to Lance’s heart.

He took a steadying breath. This was fine, Lance assured himself. All he had to do was treat Keith like normal, right? It wasn’t like they were ever… together. They had just been friends. Lance just had to stop thinking so much. It was still _Keith_ , after all.

“Alright, I have to go, man,” Lance said, giving a two-fingered salute before turning to leave. “See you later.”

But as Lance allowed his gaze to be caught one last time by those dark eyes that had always seemed to shift and change with the lighting, now appearing a soft, grey indigo, eyes that he’d fallen in love with all those years ago, he wondered who the hell he was trying to fool.

***

Was Lance doing okay? 

Good fucking question.

If Lance were to try and untangle all the emotions churning in his gut, he wouldn’t know where to begin. Whenever he tried to sort through his thoughts, everything suddenly became overwhelming, and he was almost flooded with more emotion than he had the capacity to compute.

So, to deal with his feelings in the most mature way possible, Lance did what Lance did best – desperately shove any remnant of his turmoil into the furthest corners of his mind and pretend that absolutely nothing was wrong. Like any responsible adult would do, of course.

This was working out for him about as well as could be expected.

The day after Keith had finally been released from the hospital had been one of the most draining days of Lance’s life.

He’d known that Keith was being discharged that day. Of course he’d known. Shiro had given him the heads up as soon as it was confirmed. But that didn’t mean Lance was actually prepared for it to _happen_.

Let’s just say that if Hunk hadn’t conveniently showed up at his house, Disney movies and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream may not have been enough to drown his sorrows in.

 _“Keith was discharged from the hospital yesterday.”_

Not exactly the greeting Lance would have expected, but in all fairness, Hunk probably hadn’t meant to blurt it out as soon as Lance had opened his front door to greet him, judging by his slight wince and the way he was shifting on his feet.

Lance had frowned, opting to fix his gaze on his friend’s shoulder rather than meet his eyes.

 _“That’s great,”_ he’d responded, trying to sound at least a little enthusiastic, but knowing he was failing miserably _._ Well, who could blame him? Hunk had managed to successfully slap him in the face with the one thing he’d been trying to avoid.

There’d been a pause while Hunk bit his lip, obviously not used to all this tension and wondering what the right thing to say was.

 _“So, are you like… gonna go see him, or…?”_ Hunk trailed off, scratching the back of his neck.

 _“I’ll see him at the Garrison, won’t I?”_ Lance dismissed, trying to seem casual.

 _“Oh, yeah, sure, I just thought that, you know,”_ Hunk blundered, wringing his hands, _“I dunno, you two might wanna meet up and talk about… stuff?”_ he ended awkwardly.

Lance sighed. He loved his best friend, but Hunk really wasn’t the best at being subtle or sensitive about this sort of thing. He didn’t know how to comfort people without addressing the issue itself, which Lance knew Hunk really wanted to do, since he really hated having to dance around touchy topics. Only he couldn’t, because Lance really didn’t think he could deal with that right now.

 _“It’s okay, big guy,”_ he’d assured him, _“K-Keith and I… we’ll be fine. We have plenty of time to talk.”_

Hunk had looked skeptical, but he’d nodded slowly. _“Ok. Alright. If you’re sure, dude.”_ He was quiet for a moment, then cleared his throat. _“Um… you wanna come over? I’m making garlic knots.”_

At that, Lance had smiled. It was nice to know that some things would never change, his eternal love for garlic knots and Hunk’s instinct of making them at just the right time being two of those things. _“Sure,”_ he’d replied, _“Uh, let me just get my jacket, I’ll meet you in the car.”_

Looking relieved, Hunk had nodded, and he’d gone to get in the car while Lance had run up the stairs to grab a jacket from his room. Once he got there, he allowed himself a moment to lean on the doorframe and just breathe for a moment.

Lance appreciated Hunk’s concern for him – he really did – but he would really rather not think about everything with Keith right now. Rather not dwell on all the ways he’d messed up and lose himself wondering what the fuck he was supposed to say to him when he saw him again.

Of course, Lance had gone over to Hunks house that afternoon. He would have done anything to take his mind off Keith for at least a moment. It had been good for him, just to hang out with one of his best friends for the day, and they spent most of the afternoon on the couch playing video games and watching movies. Lance had been invited to sleep over, and had accepted, knowing he needed it. Eventually, as the two lay in their respective beds, Lance had quietly begun to open up about how scared and confused and upset he was, and when he started getting choked up, Hunk had gotten up and come to sit by him, offering him a shoulder to cry on. They’d fallen asleep there, leaning into each other with Lance’s head on Hunk’s shoulder, just like they often would when they were kids. Lance couldn’t ask for a better friend.

It had helped a lot. But unfortunately, that didn’t make his problems disappear forever. He still had to face Keith in person.

One thing Lance was really struggling with was how he was supposed to act around Keith now. He thought the best thing to do was to treat him like normal, but he honestly wasn’t even sure what that meant for them now.

Which of their interactions had been innocent gestures of friendship, and which had stemmed from their repressed romantic feelings? It was hard for Lance to remember any exchange with the other boy that hadn’t been tinged with some kind of unspoken undertone. Could they even go on without that?

Right now, Lance was at home, helping out with some household jobs. Everyone in the Sanchez-McClain household had to do their fair share of chores, and that included Lance. Fortunately, it gave him a distraction from thinking about Keith. Unfortunately, because Lance’s mind always liked to wander a little too far from the task at hand, he found himself doing it anyway.

Mentally, he slapped himself. Stop thinking, he told himself. Thinking meant emotions, and emotions meant he would probably start crying, and he had no right to cry over this. After all, it was Keith whose memories had been taken, not Lance. It wasn’t him who should be mourning them.

But it still _hurt_ , dammit.

Lance frowned, tying the small, white trash bag of the wastepaper basket in the bathroom a little too forcefully. He cursed and wiped a little sweat from his forehead when his aggression caused the bag to tear down the side.

“Stop it,” he muttered out loud. He was going to kill himself going on like this.

As he was reaching towards the cabinet to grab another trash bag, a streak of color caught his eye.

There, poking out of the corner of the hole in the bag, was a shock of bright blue. Curious, Lance inspected it closer. He reached out a hand and tugged the hole a little wider open.

It was…

A flower.

A tiny, limp, wilted, blue flower, barely poking out.

Lance stopped breathing.

Memories flashed in his mind, Keith’s pained expression, his own hand pressing against this very bathroom door, a slightly hoarse voice assuring him he was okay, face hidden behind dark bangs.

Frantically, Lance tore open the bag. Dozens of flowers poured out over his knees, tumbling onto the floor around him. They were tiny, smaller than his fingernail, yet there were so many of them, Lance felt suffocated. Some of them were utterly shredded, others flecked with speckles of dried blood, but every one was beautiful – delicately, sickeningly beautiful.

For a moment, he just sat there, frozen with shock. Then, a choked cry ripped itself from his throat, and Lance reached out and grabbed a fistful of the flowers in his shaking hand. He brought them to his chest and crushed them in his fingers, clutching them against his chest.

Hot tears began to track down his cheeks. A sob built in his chest. Abruptly, he stood, letting the petals in his hand scatter to the floor and shaking his arms jerkily to dislodge any remains.

Stumbling out of the bathroom, he slammed the door behind him, the sound echoing through the house as if it could erase what he’d just seen.

He retreated to his bedroom and didn’t leave for the rest of the day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... :)
> 
> All your comments are greatly appreciated! Tell me what you think! xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the tension between the two boys thickens, Lance decides to take action, and makes an unexpected suggestion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I writing such an angsty fic, you may ask? The plain answer is, I have no clue. Usually, I write fluff, but hey, there always has to be an exception. Enjoy this one xxx

Keith wrinkled his nose at the lunch selection at the Garrison. How could they expect anyone to actually _eat_ that nasty shit? He almost gagged as he watched someone pour some of the stew onto their bowl, each bit of drowned, unrecognizable vegetable landing with a disgusting _plop_. He shuddered. Ever since he’d first come to the Garrison, he’d been convinced they were trying to poison their students, and vowed never to touch a single piece of food that came from their kitchen.

Lucky for him, Shiro had started hanging out with Adam not long after Keith enrolled, and since then, both Keith and Shiro had been having Adam’s home-cooked meals every day instead of having to go hungry at lunch.

Today was no exception. When they did have to stay at the Garrison through the lunch hour, Keith would actually have people to sit with besides Adam and Shiro – all the paladins, plus Romelle, Matt and Adam would be at a table by the window together. Even Kosmo would often come and sit at Keith’s feet, where he would sneak him bits of food. It was quickly becoming one of Keith’s favourite times of the day.

Keith was making his way over to his normal table when he stopped, noticing that someone was already sitting in his normal seat – Lance. Keith furrowed his brow. He hadn’t been aware Lance would be joining them that day. The other boy was laughing at something Hunk had said, leaning into him. Pidge was adjusting her glasses and probably making a dry comment that only made Lance laugh more. In one of the seats opposite them, Romelle was watching this unfold with a grin. 

Then, Keith recalled that Lance was supposed to have been a former paladin as well, and a close friend, and likely sat with them every lunch. Keith just wouldn’t be able to remember.

He shook his head to clear it. This was _seriously_ weird. 

Keith went over to the table, deciding not to think too much about it. So far, everyone was already there save for Adam, Shiro and Matt.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted, standing a little awkwardly next to the table. It was then that he realized that, with Lance in his normal seat, he actually didn’t know where he was supposed to be sitting.

“Hi, Keith!” Romelle said brightly. She patted the seat next to her, and Keith smiled gratefully before sitting. Unfortunately, this put him directly opposite Lance, whose laughter had now died down. He didn’t meet Keith’s gaze, but gave him a nod in acknowledgement before stuffing a mouthful of food into his mouth. By the looks of the garlic knots he was eating, he’d opted to bring his own lunch as well rather than suffer through a Garrison meal. Smart guy.

Luckily, no-one seemed inclined to mention Keith’s recent stay at the hospital, or the reasons for it, which Keith was glad for. He didn’t want to pour salt on any fresh wounds.

“Have you seen Matt today?” Pidge asked Keith. “He wasn’t home this morning and I wanted to ask him about this project we’re working on.”

“Uh, yeah,” Keith replied, “He was with Adam and Shiro earlier.”

“Hey, look, there they are,” Hunk pointed over to where Adam, Shiro and Matt were coming towards them.

They greeted Shiro and Adam, who sat down next to Keith, and Matt, who took the seat next to his sister. She immediately started telling him about something in terms no-one else could understand, waving her arms in elaborate gestures.

Adam opened his bag and handed Keith and Shiro their lunches, which they eagerly opened. Today, Adam had made some pasta with a creamy sauce and shrimps. He’d also given them some Brigadeiros, one of Keith’s favorites. Keith eagerly dug in with a quick, “Thanks, Adam.”

Shiro gave his boyfriend – no, fiancé now – a kiss on the cheek. “This is why I love you, sweetheart.”

“Oh, joy,” Adam replied, “It’s nice to know what you’re marrying me for, Takashi.”

Shiro smiled playfully. “And what are _you_ marrying _me_ for, huh?” he said. “My good looks? My majestic hair? Or maybe my super strong metal arm?”

Keith watched with amusement as Shiro made a show of flexing his, admittedly impressive, prosthetic bicep. Warmth bloomed in Keith’s chest – it had been a while since he’d seen his brother so carefree. He was so glad that Shiro finally seemed to be pulling through. After everything the universe had thrown at him, it was great to see him getting to be happy.

As Adam opened his mouth to answer, a smirk playing on his lips, Lance suddenly cut him off. “Wait, you guys are getting married?”

Everyone at the table turned to look at Lance. His eyes were wide with shock, glancing between Adam and Shiro.

“Uh, yeah,” Adam said, holding up his hand to show Lance his ring. “Did no-one tell you? I thought word would have gotten round at this point.”

“I proposed a while ago,” Shiro added, his voice tinged with pride. “Got the ring engraved and everything.”

“Why am I always the last to know everything?” Lance complained.

“Maybe use those brain cells of yours once in a while,” Pidge suggested, rapping her knuckles against the side of Lance’s head. “You’ve gotta have some in there somewhere!”

Right, Keith thought, so Lance must be the dumb one in the group, as such. A part of Keith was glad for this, since he sometimes felt like that role usually fell to him, his only real skills being his instinct for piloting and his tendency to charge straight at something with his sword. He wasn’t like Matt, Pidge or Hunk, who were geniuses when it came to technology, or Shiro and Allura, who were sensitive to the most imperceptible of social cues and had acute situational awareness. Instead, Keith mainly relied on impulse and quick thinking. He wondered if Lance was the same.

While Lance squawked indignantly, protesting that he was _extremely smart_ , thank you very much, Keith caught a brief flash of bluish light beneath the table, before Kosmo was landing heavily draped over his legs. The wolf was almost as big as Keith now, and it was a miracle that he fit under there, placing his head on Keith’s lap and looking up at him with those adorable puppy eyes of his.

Grinning, Keith scratched Kosmo behind the ears and sneaked him a few of the shrimps from his pasta. Kosmo usually split his time between Keith and Krolia, as well as going on little adventures of his own. Technically, animals weren’t allowed in here, but most people didn’t question the paladins of Voltron, and even if they did, Kosmo could always teleport away. Besides, Keith didn’t think there was anything wrong with him being here.

Kosmo’s arrival had caught Romelle’s attention, too, and with a happy grin, she too reached over to stroke the soft fur of his head. Kosmo must have noticed the smell of meat on her, because he shifted to lay his head on her lap and whined pleadingly. Letting out a huff of amusement, Romelle offered him one of her lamb chops, which Hunk had made to share with her and Pidge. Kosmo took it eagerly and curled up at their feet to gnaw on it.

Meanwhile, the conversation had moved towards Shiro and Adam’s plans for their wedding.

“We’re actually having three weddings,” Shiro was explaining, “One here first. Then another in Japan, where my parents live. And then one in India, in Adam’s dad’s home city.”

“Because most of my Brazilian family, from my mom’s side, will be able to attend our wedding here,” Adam continued. “And so will my parents, who only live a couple of states over, as well as all our friends and Shiro’s cousins. But at the same time, I’d love to have an Indian wedding too, with all of my extended family.”

“Oh, right,” Lance said, nodding. “And then, of course, Shiro wants to have one with _his_ parents and family. It’s not too surprising, I mean, most people in my family usually have a couple of weddings. One in the States, and one in Cuba.”

Shiro nodded. “Yeah, exactly.”

“So, for our first wedding, the one here, we were thinking maybe spring?” Adam mused. “That way it won’t be so hot that we’re all sweating, but also not likely to be raining or super cold.”

“And we want to have it outdoors, so we really need to think about the weather,” Shiro added. “Also, there’ll be a lot of flowers out at the time, which will look real nice in photos.”

“Oh, yeah, my brother Luis and his wife had a spring wedding, too. It was awesome,” Lance agreed, putting his elbow on the table and propping his head on his hand.

“Have you decided on best men, maids of honor, any of that yet?” Hunk asked.

“Yeah, Adam’s sister will be coming here for the wedding,” Shiro said, “She’s already agreed to be the maid of honor.” Keith rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly. Right, Adam’s sister. Keith hadn’t exactly made a great first impression when he’d met her at sixteen. He doubted she’d ever managed to get the coffee stains out of her favourite white jacket. Hopefully, she wouldn’t hold a grudge.

“And,” Adam added, turning to smile at Keith, “We were thinking Keith could be best man.”

Keith blinked. He glanced at Shiro to check if he was being serious, and his brother met his eyes with a smile and a nod.

“Me?” Keith repeated, pointing at himself. For some reason, this made Shiro and Adam chuckle.

“No, the other Keith,” Adam quipped, and despite knowing it was a joke, Keith almost looked around to see if there actually was another Keith sitting next to him.

“ _Really_?” Keith felt the need to reiterate, causing the whole table to start snickering.

“Of course, Keith!” Shiro said between laughter. “Who else would we ask?”

Keith blushed. He could actually think of a lot of people who would be better suited to the role than himself, which was why he was so surprised that they had chosen _him_ , of all people. Adam and Shiro had their own friends, after all. He would have thought that maybe they’d chose Matt, seeing as they had always been close, or even some of their other friends from their time at the Garrison, but apparently, Keith outranked all of them.

Keith, the troublemaker kid who’d stolen Shiro’s car when they’d first met, and set Adam’s living room on fire at fifteen. The same kid they’d had to bail out countless times, the kid who’d made their life a million times harder, yet who they’d never given up on. The kid who Keith had thought Shiro and Adam would be ready to start moving on from, now that they were finally getting married.

An _are you sure_ was on the tip of Keith’s tongue, but he swallowed it down. Instead, he tried for a smile, and said, “If you really want me to, then yeah, I’ll be your best man. I… Thank you. I really love you guys.” His voice broke towards the end.

All of his friends _aww_ ed as Adam pulled Keith into a hug, and then Shiro engulfed them both in his arms.

“We love you too, Keith,” Shiro replied, reaching over to ruffle Keith’s hair. Keith swallowed the lump in his throat and turned his head to the side to hide his smile.

When they all disentangled themselves, Romelle spoke up. “Well. That was very sweet, but, uh, is anyone going to tell me what a best man is?”

The group laughed. While Hunk took it upon himself to explain it to her, Lance spoke directly to Keith for the first time that day.

“So… Best man, huh?” he said. “That’s pretty neat.”

“Yeah,” Keith agreed. He wanted to say more, but he wasn’t really sure what to say.

Lance nodded, then, seeing that Keith wasn’t going to elaborate, prodded, “Have you ever been to any weddings?”

Keith pondered that. “Uh, not really. Well, actually, there was this one time, when Shiro’s cousin was getting married…”

“Oh, right,” Shiro said, shooting Keith a look. “Akari’s wedding. Keith had to leave early. You wanna tell us why, Keith?”

Keith felt his face heat, and muttered something under his breath.

“Sorry, what was that? Uh, I can’t hear you,” Lance pressed with a grin, cupping a hand over his ear.

Keith pouted. “I exploded the cake all over the bridesmaids,” he grumbled, folding his arms.

Lance let out a surprised laugh. “What?? How the fuck did you manage that?”

Adam grinned. “Well, it didn’t exactly explode, but it really did look like it,” he said. “Keith fell on the balloons and then fell on the cake, somehow managing to push the balloons _into_ the cake, and then …” he imitated an explosion. “It was beautiful.” He pretended to wipe away a tear. “The look on Akari’s face...”

“Ok, I was fourteen,” Keith protested over Lance’s laughter. “And I was just trying to get away from Shiro’s fucking annoying great aunt who kept telling me how much I’d grown, even though I’d _never met her before_. And how the fuck was I supposed to know that the cake was hollow? Who even makes a wedding cake _hollow_?”

“Oh my god, _Keith_ ,” Lance snickered. The corners of his eyes were crinkled and he leaned on the table with both arms.

“Akari was furious,” Shiro recalled. “She’d spent so much time picking out dresses for the bridesmaids, and they were completely ruined. Not to mention there was cake _everywhere_. We had to get Keith out of there before she started flipping tables.”

“Hey, I was covered in cake too!” Keith pointed out. “It wasn’t that great for me either!”

“That was the best part,” Adam snorted. “Imagine a small, angry fourteen-year-old Keith covered from head to toe in baby pink icing, sulking like a grumpy kitten.”

“Hey, I think I have some photos,” Shiro grinned, to Keith’s utter dismay.

“Ooh, you do?” Pidge leaned forward with a shit eating grin. “You have got to show us!”

“Shiro!” Keith hissed.

Shiro only smirked. “Oh, I’d love to, Pidge, but I’ve gotta keep something for blackmail.”

Keith scowled. “I hate you with every atom of my being.”

“Love ya too, Coyote,” Shiro replied back, using the nickname he’d given Keith a long time ago, around when they’d first met. It had started off as sort of a joke – Keith, in his angsty phase, had referred to himself as a lone wolf. He had no friends or family to speak of, he’d said, and all he had to his name was his cabin in the middle of the desert, far away from anyone or anything else. Shiro had pointed out that wolves didn’t live in the desert, and Keith, annoyed, had snapped, _Fine, a coyote, then_. There were plenty of those in the desert. Seemingly amused, Shiro had grinned and replied, _Alright then, Coyote_.

Ever since then, the nickname had kind of stuck. Keith would never admit it, but he kind of liked it. It felt personal to him and his brother – he knew that they weren’t related by blood, so it was nice to remember the connection that they did have. 

“Anyway, you deserved it,” Adam continued. “We had to leave the wedding before we’d even had any food – the only reason I go to weddings!”

“A tragedy,” Keith deadpanned.

“Aww, Keith,” Lance said with a grin. He’d managed to rein in his laughter. “Don’t be so grumpy.” Keith’s pout only deepened.

Then, all of a sudden, Keith felt something knock against his shoe under the table, and realized that Lance had reached out, probably subconsciously, to bump their boots together playfully.

Keith couldn’t help it. He flinched – violently.

His knee banged against the underside of the table, causing everyone to turn and look at them. Lance’s expression flickered from shock to guilt to shame in a matter of seconds.

“Sorry –” Both Keith and Lance spoke at the same time, before falling into an awkward silence.

Keith looked down and picked at his food. On the edges of his vision, he saw many of his friends exchange glances, but they quickly tried to move on, Matt distracting them by mentioning that he had been thinking of cutting his hair off, which Keith knew was bullshit – Matt loved his long hair. He thought it made him look like a ‘ _badass anime protagonist_ ’ (Matt’s words, not Keith’s). Even so, it gave everyone something to latch onto.

Tuning out their conversations, Keith leaned down to run his fingers through Kosmo’s fur, and not for the first time, found himself wishing that his past self hadn’t been so fucking stupid.

Needless to say, Lance and Keith didn’t look at each other for the rest of lunch.

***

Over the next few days, things were a little rocky.

For the most part, Keith and Lance didn’t really have much time to talk. This wasn’t to say that they hadn’t done _any_ talking, but for the most part, the only times they had was when they were with the group.

There were pros and cons to this. On the bright side, it meant there were less painfully awkward interactions where the two of them had to try and navigate through the emotional minefield that was a one-on-one conversation. Lance had been especially careful not to repeat his initial mistake of being too physically affectionate, even though his heart ached every time he had to suppress the urge to brush their hands together, throw an arm around Keith or run a hand through his hair.

However, this also meant that there were still massive amounts of unresolved tension between Keith and Lance which was constantly threatening to bubble over, the result of which probably wouldn’t be pretty.

On one such incident, something of that nature had almost happened. They had all been hanging out for the afternoon at Shiro’s place, and they had been watching some classic Disney movie. Out of habit, Lance had sat next to Keith on the sofa where they sat along with Shiro and Hunk, and he’d immediately regretted it, but Keith hadn’t seemed to notice, and he didn’t want to bring attention to it by moving. Besides, Pidge was already sprawled on the armchair and there wasn’t much other space, unless he sat on the carpet beside Adam, who was leaning back in the space between Shiro’s legs as his fiancé absently ran his fingers through his hair. But honestly, why would it make sense for Lance to give up his couch space to sit on the _floor_ when there was no added bonus of affection from a partner? He supposed he could always switch spots with Hunk. But again, he didn’t want to make too much of a fuss.

In the end, Lance hadn’t been able to pay attention to the movie because around half an hour in, Keith had dozed off, his head landing – perhaps by coincidence, or perhaps by some twisted version of fate – on Lance’s shoulder. Lance was sure he’d never sat so still in his life. He could feel the warm puff of Keith’s every exhale on the sensitive skin of his collarbone, the gentle tickle of his hair against his neck, softer than it had any right to be. In that moment, Lance wanted nothing more than death.

He’d endured it for a total of forty-five minutes before he’d quietly gotten Shiro’s attention, who was sitting on Keith’s other side, and he’d helped Lance to maneuver Keith into leaning on his brother instead, before he could wake up and freak out. The relief that washed over Lance as he could finally breathe was almost enough to drown out the small, shameful part of him that mourned at the loss. Almost.

Because Lance knew how easily awoken Keith was usually. The guy kept a knife under his pillow, for God’s sake – which Lance knew about from unfortunate experience. But Lance had noticed that as they got closer as a team, and as friends, Keith seemed to be able to sleep more deeply and soundly around the paladins. Sometimes, he even slept _better_ around Lance. At some point, Keith had confessed to Lance that he was less easily provoked and awoken when around people he was familiar with and trusted. He had said, with a slight blush, that he suspected it must be a Galra thing – something to do with the familiarity of their scent.

And here Keith had been, resting soundly and undisturbedly on Lance’s shoulder.

Lance felt something stir in his stomach. Could it be…? No. He was _not_ going to go there. That door was closed and locked. With multiple padlocks. And multiple keys that had been thrown into multiple wells. And maybe a security code for good measure. That wasn’t a thought that would lead anywhere good.

And so Lance spent the rest of that evening trying and failing to keep his feelings in check, and had ended up going home and drowning his sorrows in a tub of ice cream.

Anyway, the point was, things were kind of bad.

Luckily, though, Lance had a brilliant idea on exactly how he could break the ice. Granted, he’d have to try and suppress his emotions a hell of a lot in order for it to work, but _that_ wasn’t anything he hadn’t already been doing.

Besides, they needed to do _something_. Apart from anything else, this whole situation was taking a huge toll on their friends, too. Lance noticed the slight unhappy downturn at the corner of Pidge’s lip when she glanced between the two of them. He noticed how Hunk always looked like he wanted to say something when they hung out together. He even caught the subtle disapproving look Shiro shot in Keith’s direction on occasion, which the other boy always answered with a raised eyebrow or a one-shouldered shrug.

Nobody knew how to act, because now, there was no going back. They couldn’t fix what had happened, so there wasn’t even a question of going back to the way things were before. The only thing Lance could do now was move on. To try and salvage what he could of their shattered friendship, lest they tear the rest of their friends apart.

Lance decided that now was the time to take action.

Now being just after a Garrison meeting, the perfect time to grab Keith and take him aside.

He noticed Hunk giving him a look of alarm, but Lance waved him off, mouthing, _I got this,_ as he pulled Keith outside with him.

Once they were outside, Lance turned to Keith.

“So, um…” Lance hesitated. He was still a little skeptical about his idea. What if Keith thought they weren’t close enough for this kind of thing yet?

But he’d already made his decision – there was no backing out now. “So, we’re having this… I mean, my family is having dinner together on Friday, since it will be the first time in a while that all my siblings will be free for the day. And everyone was going to bring a friend or two, and, well…”

Lance paused and brought a hand to the back of his neck. “Before you… forgot, I was going to go with you. Since my mom’s already decided that she loves you so much. So I was just wondering if you still wanted to come maybe?”

Lance glanced up at Keith’s expression, and was relieved to see that the other boy seemed to be genuinely considering it.

“How many people will be there?” he asked.

“Oh, um, quite a lot,” Lance admitted. “I have four siblings, two of them are married, and they’re all bringing at least one friend, so…” he trailed off.

Keith grimaced, thought for a second, and then said, “Will there be food?”

At that, Lance almost snorted. He knew how much his friend appreciated good food – the main reason being that Keith himself couldn’t cook for shit.

“Only the best food there is! Take it from me, man, you do not want to miss my mom’s cooking,” Lance told him, grinning. “There’s _nothing_ better than Cuban food.”

“I’m not sure that I trust your taste,” Keith commented drily, though he was smiling too.

Lance leaned into him playfully. “Says the guy who has a _mullet_ ,” he teased.

Keith blinked. “Wha–? That doesn’t even –” his brows furrowed in that cute way they always did when he was confused. He raised his hand to his hair self-consciously. “It’s not even a mullet."

Lance chuckled, “You can deny it all you want, but you know it’s true,” he reached up to ruffle Keith’s hair, grinning before adding, “ _Keithy-boy_.”

Keith squirmed away. “Never call me that again,” he deadpanned.

At that, Lance’s answering quip died on his tongue. Back when they’d become friends, the _first_ time, Keith had had the exact same reaction to the affectionate nickname, from the distasteful downturn of his lips to the complete lack of enthusiasm in his tone.

 _Never call me that again_ , Keith had told him, and Lance could almost see him in his cropped red jacket, features sharp in the soft glow of the castle lights as he raised an eyebrow at Lance. He’d been just an inch shorter than Lance at the time, and had always been slouching, and so he’d had to tilt his head slightly to meet Lance’s gaze with those intense, dark eyes of his.

Then Lance blinked, and he was back in the present, with a Keith whose eyebrow was still raised, unimpressed, whose right cheek was now marred with a scar that cut from his cheekbone to his jawline, who was now tall enough to meet his eyes directly.

A Keith who didn’t share those memories.

Keith’s brows began to furrow again, and Lance realized that he’d been silent for too long, lost in thought. He’d forgotten what they were talking about, so he just let out a short, forced laugh and stepped back from Keith, needing to take a breath.

He swallowed discreetly, then quickly reverted back to his original point. “So, you’re coming?”

Keith seemingly decided not to question him, simply shrugging and saying “It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.”

“Great!” Lance grinned. “I’ll pick you up Friday afternoon?” he asked, then immediately regretted his choice of wording. He’d made it sound like they had a _date_ or something.

Nevertheless, he tried to keep his expression neutral, and hoped Keith wouldn’t notice. Naturally, he didn’t seem to, which Lance would have found amusing to no end once upon a time. Now, though, he just felt relief.

Keith nodded, before offering Lance a small, hesitant smile.

Lance’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, boy. Friday was going to be a _long_ day.

***

**_Hunkydory - > You_ **

**_Hunkydory:_ ** _lance, you need to come to the hospital wing ASAP_

_Now, that definitely wasn’t a text Lance was expecting to receive out of the blue from one of his best friends._

**_You:_ ** _what?????_

_Hunk, buddy, you gotta give me more than that_

_what’s going on?_

_Honestly, Lance wasn’t sure how worried he should be. Last time he’d been called to the hospital, it had been because one of Pidge and Matt’s experiments had blown up, resulting in minor injuries to Pidge’s hands, a surprise haircut for Matt and the evacuation of the entire lab. All their friends had rushed to the scene, only to find a pair of slightly disgruntled siblings, covered in soot, being scolded by their mother about irresponsible use of a flamethrower._

_If this was just something like that, Lance thought to himself as he left his house and locked the front door behind him, then his friends could deal with it. Lance had some groceries to buy and a couple of niblings to babysit._

_Then his phone buzzed with another notification._

**_Hunkydory:_ ** _It’s keith_

_Lance had never changed his mind about anything so quickly in his life._

_Groceries and niblings forgotten, Lance got into his car and was at the Garrison within twenty minutes._

_For weeks, Lance had been worried about Keith. He’d known that there was something his friend was hiding from him, and he knew it was something important. Lance hadn’t pushed it much, because if Keith wasn’t telling him, he must have a good reason, right?_

_Except, this was_ Keith _. He was used to suppressing his problems unless he was literally forced to talk about them. It wasn’t that Lance was doubting his motives, but... yeah, Lance was doubting his motives. More than anything, he just wanted to come straight out and ask him what the hell was going on, but he was afraid that if he did that, Keith’s walls would come up as quickly as he brought them down for Lance._

_And now, Keith was in the hospital. Not a day after he’d left Lance’s house so abruptly, claiming to be sick._

_Lance was pretty damn worried, to say the least. That evening, he’d been bitterly frustrated when Keith decided to leave early – before Lance had the chance to tell him what he’d needed to. The whole reason that Lance had invited him over was to come clean, about everything._

_See, Lance was finally ready. He had, painstakingly and through many mistakes, managed to come round to accepting all the things that he’d never had the guts to face before, and he was ready to take the first step, a pretty big step for him, towards his future. The future that, deep down, he’d always known was waiting for him._

_That was why Lance had asked Keith to come over yesterday. He’d been psyching himself up the whole afternoon, prepared a whole mini speech and everything, but in the end, it had all been for nothing, because Keith hadn’t even given him the chance._

_What if Keith really had been sick, and was in hospital now because of it? Or what if he’d gone and done something reckless and stupid and gotten himself injured again? For Keith’s sake and his own, Lance hoped to God that it was something minor._

_When Lance arrived, all the staff seemed to understand exactly why he was here, and directed him to where he needed to be. Lance didn’t think this was a good sign, even as a Paladin of Voltron._

_He went into the waiting room where all his friends were sitting. They all seemed to be talking about something, their tone hushed and serious, but they stopped when Lance came in, all turning to look at him._

_Lance glanced around. Literally everyone seemed to be here. Hunk, Pidge, Coran, Shiro, Adam, Matt, Romelle – he suspected Allura would be there too, if she hadn’t left for new Altea a while ago. Even Kosmo, Keith’s space wolf, was there, sitting diligently at Adam’s feet._

_Definitely not a good sign._

_“What happened?” Lance said. “Where’s Keith? Why are you all here?”_

_Hunk bit his lip. “Um... We can’t see Keith right now. The doctors are with him.” Hunk practically radiated anxiety. A quick glance at his friend’s hands told Lance that Hunk had been biting his nails again, a habit he’d been trying so hard to stop._

_Lance glanced around at his friends, hoping someone would elaborate._

_“Didn’t Keith tell you anything?” Pidge asked gently._

_Lance frowned. “What are you talking about? Tell me what? What happened to him?” Why were they giving such vague answers?_

_“Fuck,” Adam swore. “He said he would tell him!”_

_“He probably didn’t even know it had gotten this bad, Adam –” Shiro tried._

_“Of course he knew,” Romelle snapped. “The doctors said that this was the standard progression of the disease, correct? Keith did his research. He may not have expected it to be now, today, but trust me, he knew this was coming.”_

_What? “Disease?” Lance interjected, looking between them wildly._

_“Look, none of that matters now,” Matt added. “What matters is –”_

_“How could you say that?” Adam said angrily. “Of course it matters, this whole fucking thing –”_

_“Guys, please –”_

_“He never told us_ anything _, always had to try and act like he had to deal with everything alone –”_

_“Hey, this wasn’t his fault –”_

_“I_ know _that, that’s not what I –”_

 _“Can someone_ please _tell me what the_ fuck _is going on?” Lance finally burst out._

_Everyone fell silent. They all looked between each other uneasily. Lance was ready to scream with frustration._

_Then, Pidge stepped forward. She looked up at him, her gaze sorrowful. “He wanted to tell you himself,” she told him quietly, “before something like this could happen. But I guess… that’s not really an option now.”_

_Taking his hands in hers, she began to tell him everything. She told him about Keith, about his condition, and about everything that had been going on in the past few weeks. Occasionally, someone else would interject to add something._

_Lance’s heart got colder and colder as she spoke._

_Keith had been diagnosed with a life threatening illness and hadn’t told him._

_He had been coughing up flowers for months, and hadn’t told him._

_Keith had undergone surgery to remove those flowers just last night, and Lance hadn’t even known about it._

_Keith was currently in a coma as a result of this procedure, and there was no telling when he would wake up._

_The surgery itself had been successful. Because of this, Keith…_

_Keith no longer loved Lance, nor would he remember him at all._

_When she finished, she stared up at him, amber eyes wide, and squeezed his hands. “I’m so sorry you didn’t know, Lance. He was going to tell you.”_

_For a moment, Lance couldn’t even speak. He stood, frozen in place._

_This could not be happening._

_Lance wrenched his hands from Pidge’s grasp, staggering backwards as if struck._

_No. This couldn’t be real. Lance must be having some kind of sick nightmare. Hanahaki? It sounded like something straight out of some twelve-year-old’s Wattpad fanfiction. Exactly the kind of thing his sleep-addled brain would come up with._

_Yet, the sharp pain of his fingers twisting into his hair felt too real to be imagined._

_Just to be sure, Lance untangled a hand from his hair and pinched hard at the sensitive skin of his arm, twisting harshly enough to bruise. And there it was – the confirming jolt of pain down his arm that made Lance’s stomach surge in a sudden, sickening roll._

_Lance’s legs were weak. He stumbled back and collapsed into a chair. What the fuck._

_"No, no, this is all wrong,” he found himself saying, “This isn’t…”_

_Lance felt like he was going to vomit. He braced his head in his hands, winding his fingers into his hair again and pulling until he felt his vision blur. He tried to force himself to breathe._

_Someone put their hand on his shoulder. “Lance.” It was Shiro. “I know this may come as quite a shock to you –”_

_“No,” Lance managed to choke, “No, you– you don’t understand, I –” he lifted his head. “I’m in love with him.”_

_His words were met with dead silence._

_Then, everyone was speaking at once, reactions varying from shocked cries to disbelieving demands._

_Lance almost couldn’t hear them all over the sound of his blood thumping in his ears._

_Shiro seemed frozen, rooted in place and staring at Lance. Lance just met his gaze. He felt his eyes sting, but he didn’t look away._

_“B-but – I thought you – Allura –” Shiro stammered, unable to collect his thoughts enough to string together a real sentence. It wasn’t often that Shiro lost his composure like this._

_“No,” Lance told him, “No, we – Allura and I – We broke up. A while ago. Before she– before she left for new Altea.”_

_Lance wiped his face. He felt almost numb with shock. All his friends turned to look at him, the same question in their eyes._

_There, in the waiting room of the hospital, Lance began to tell them his side of the story._

***

“I’m telling you now, this is a bad idea.”

Pidge and Keith were lounging on the sofa in Adam and Shiro’s apartment, and they had that stupid Voltron Show playing on the TV. They’d both seen it before, so it was mainly background noise for them while they talked.

Keith had just told her about his and Lance’s plans for Friday, and Pidge was less than enthusiastic, to say the least.

“There’s no way that’ll end well, Keith,” she was saying around a mouthful of chips.

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea,” he pointed out, “It was Lance’s.”

“Lance is an idiot who lives in a bottomless pit of denial. Talking to him would be hopeless,” Pidge dismissed with a wave of her hand. Keith ran a hand through his hair. That seemed a little harsh. “Besides, you agreed to it.”

“Well, he _asked_ me to come. What was I supposed to do? Say no?” Keith argued.

Pidge looked at him incredulously. “ _Yes_! That’s exactly what you were supposed to do!”

Keith frowned. “I’m trying to be nice to him, you gremlin. What even is the problem? Don’t you guys want us to be friends?”

Pidge leveled him with a stare. She began ticking things off her fingers. “You guys technically just met. You don’t remember any of Lance’s family. This get together was something that he wanted to invite you to as a _close friend_. And while he knows basically everything about you, you know absolutely nothing about him. Need I go on?”

Keith blinked. He hadn’t really realized that last part.

“… Does he really know everything about me?” Keith asked. He found the idea a little disturbing. Pidge seemed taken aback by the question.

“Well, yeah, Keith,” she replied. “You’re… You guys… you were closer than any of us.” Her expression was becoming slightly pained.

 _Best friends_. Keith remembered how Lance had described their relationship. Still, the idea that Lance knew _everything_ about him whilst Keith could barely remember the other boy’s last name made his skin crawl. He thought about everything his friends knew about him, from his favourite color to his deepest fears, and he wondered with dread just how much more than that Lance knew. He wondered if he knew some things about Keith that even _Keith_ didn’t know.

Keith felt bad for thinking it, but he felt like he’d just found out someone had been stalking him for years. He suppressed a shudder.

 _He loved you_ , he reminded himself. However uncomfortable Keith was feeling, what Lance was going through was a hundred times worse.

But Keith digressed.

“Look,” he told Pidge, “Me and Lance – we’ll need to get used to each other anyway if we’re all going to hang out. The best way to do that is to spend time together, right?”

Pidge looked skeptical, but nodded reluctantly. “That’s true. Just… be careful, alright? I…” she sighed forcefully. “This has all just gotten so complicated, and I’m sorry, Keith. I never meant for – I never should have told you to…” she stopped, looking away.

Keith’s brows furrowed.

“Told me to what?” he asked. Then he narrowed his eyes. “Is this… is this something I forgot?”

Pidge looked away. “Fuck, you really don’t remember _anything_ , do you?” Her words could seem scathing, but the quiet tone in which she spoke just made her sound tired, and maybe a little frustrated. Keith didn’t know what to make of it.

She took a breath before turning back to meet his gaze. “I was the one who made you have the operation.”

There was a pause while Keith blinked in shock.

“What?”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry!” she cried, running a hand through her hair. “I just – I swear, I had no idea about Lance, okay? If I had, obviously I wouldn’t have done it. But Keith, you weren’t planning on doing _anything_. You weren’t going to tell him, you weren’t going to get rid of it, and you were saying all this _bullshit_ about how long you had left to live and that was just so stupid and I didn’t – I couldn’t–”

“Hey, hey, Pidge, breathe,” Keith cut in, snatching her hands out of the air where they were gesturing wildly and placing them on her lap. He took a breath himself. “Alright, just – give me a minute.”

Flopping back on the sofa, Keith tried to process everything Pidge had just told him. He must have loved this boy a hell of a lot if he would rather have _died_ , leaving behind his friends – his _family_ , who he’d only just found his place in – than forget about him. Had he really been planning on doing that? Keith couldn’t imagine caring about someone that much. It seemed terribly irrational, even for him. He could understand why Pidge had been so worried. If he’d been in her place, he didn’t know what he would have done.

“Pidge,” he finally said softly. “I know I don’t remember any of this, but from what you’re telling me, you basically saved my life.”

As Pidge opened her mouth to protest, Keith continued. “I was going to let it kill me, right? And with my stubborn ass, there’s no way you could have convinced me to tell Lance when I was so set on the idea that he only liked me as a friend – even if you had known about his feelings, which, from the looks of things, no-one did. Hell, I’m impressed as fuck that you managed to convince me to have the operation when I’d already decided not to.”

Despite herself, Pidge let out a weak laugh. “It wasn’t that hard, I just had to knock some sense into your dumbass.”

Keith smiled. “You made the best choices you could have when you were put in that situation, Pidge. If anything, I should be apologizing that you had to deal with all that.”

After staring at Keith for a moment, searching his face to check if it was sincere, Pidge’s lower lip began to wobble, and then she launched herself forward and threw her arms around.

Keith was a little surprised, but he returned her hug.

“Don’t blame yourself, Pidge,” he told her quietly. “You did the right thing. Thank you for being there for me.” He felt her exhale shakily against his shoulder.

Keith felt a stab of guilt for the pressure she’d been under. He wished she’d told him this before, instead of letting her feelings needlessly fester.

What twisted irony, Keith thought, that everyone else seemed to feel somewhat responsible for a situation for which Keith was entirely, solely, indisputably to blame.

When Pidge pulled away, discreetly wiping her eyes, she looked up at him, amber eyes wide behind her glasses. Keith knew she would probably kill him for saying so, but he couldn’t help but think that she was just a kid. She shouldn’t have to carry such heavy burden at such a young age.

Then, the cartoon Pidge on the TV suddenly let out an ungodly yell. Both Keith and Pidge turned to look at it, where the Pidge on the screen seemed to be falling from the sky and landing on top of the rest of the paladins, landing them in a sprawled heap. The two looked back at each other before they burst out laughing.

“Where do they come up with this shit?” Keith asked through chuckles.

“Screw that, I want to know who the fuck hired my voice actor,” Pidge countered, leaning into him. “I sound like the bastard child of SpongeBob and Yoda.”

And the two dissolved into fits of giggles. Keith allowed himself to observe the carefree way his young friend threw her head back, how the corners of her eyes crinkled with the force of her pure, joyful laughter, and he knew that she’d be alright. They always were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Pidge is a gremlin, but she is also a baby who deserves all the hugs she can get. Seriously. Give Pidge hugs. 
> 
> And yeah, y'all better prepare yourselves, because things are about to get interesting...
> 
> Chapter four will be up next Friday - until then, any and all comments are greatly appreciated! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens at Lance's house stays at Lance's house. Yes, even things like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, this is a good one...

“Hey, man!” Lance waved to him from where he stood, leaning against his car in front of Keith’s shack. “You ready to go?”

The wind played with his tousled curls, but despite the breeze, it was quite a warm day. Lance was dressed for it in his loose, blue short-sleeved button-up, which he left open over a white tank top, and some darker blue jeans. He was scuffing his white vans against the sand restlessly. His outfit made Keith wonder briefly if he himself should forgo the red-and-black jacket he’d decided to wear, but he figured it would get colder in the evening when he returned home, and he’d probably need it.

Keith nodded in greeting as he pushed the door to his shack closed. “Yup. Just let me lock up my bike and I’ll be right there.”

It wasn’t like his bike was in any particular danger, all the way out here, but Keith had found that he could never be too careful. He’d had that hover-bike for years; he may as well have built her from scratch, with all the parts he’d replaced and all the work he’d done on her. She was now faster and smoother than any bike he’d ever ridden. If anything happened to her, Keith would kill everyone on Earth and then himself.

Which is why he always made sure his bike was chained securely to the side of the shack and covered by a dark sheet so that she was very discreetly hidden.

“Aw, come on,” Lance groaned exaggeratedly as he strolled over to stand by him, for some reason. “You don’t have to do that every single time you go out, you know. I mean,” He gestured to the desert around them, “There is literally _no-one_ here. Look around, buddy! Only _you_ would live out here in the middle of nowhere.”

“You can never be too careful,” Keith returned, securing and locking the chains. “I’ve worked way too hard on this bike to let someone come and damage or steal her, so I’d rather not take my chances, thanks.”

“Pfft – Did you just say _her_?” Lance pointed out with a snort, blinking incredulously. He was grinning widely “Did you just call your bike _her_? Oh my god.” He let out a laugh, and continued mockingly, “Does _she_ have a name too?”

“What? I’m– that’s just– she’s a _bike_ , why would she have a name?” Keith scoffed, embarrassed at his slip up but trying not to show it. And he _definitely_ wasn’t going to fan the flames by admitting that her name was Robin. Throwing the sheet over his bike and making sure she was covered, he turned to frown at Lance.

“Why would she have a gender?” Lance shot back, and yeah, that was a pretty solid point. He had his arms crossed over his chest smugly. “I don’t know why I expected any different from you, Mister I’m-gonna-wait-for-my-dog-to-tell-me-his-name.”

Keith blinked, then pouted. Of course Lance knew about that.

“Okay, he’s not a dog, he’s a space wolf,” Keith corrected. “And when we found him, we didn’t know anything about how his species communicates. It was a fair assumption that he would eventually develop some way to talk to us.” He grabbed his keys and put them in one of his pockets before starting toward Lance’s car, with Lance right with him.

“Dude, Kosmo is literally just a really big, space-themed, teleporting puppy,” Lance said with a grin, “Who sometimes glows. And who can definitely not talk.”

“Oh my god, whatever,” Keith huffed. He yanked open the door to the passenger side of Lance’s car and got in, as Lance did the same on the driver’s side. “Can we go now?”

“Yeesh, no need to be so grumpy, Samurai,” Lance muttered, starting the car. _Samurai_. That was a new one. Lance seemed to be pretty big on nicknames. “You’d better be nicer to my family when we get there.”

“Hey, I can do nice,” Keith said, “I’ve always been nice. I was _a pleasure to have in class_ in elementary school.”

“Oh yeah? Was that before or after you punched the teacher?” Lance asked. He was pulling out of where he’d parked next to the shack, and starting the twenty minute drive to his family’s house.

Keith narrowed his eyes. “How the fuck do you know about that?” Because he doubted that he’d ever mentioned punching his third grade teacher to any of his friends. He doubted even _Shiro_ knew about that.

Lance’s grin dimmed, and he glanced at Keith out of the corner of his eye before looking away, and replying, “You wouldn’t believe half the stuff you’ve told me, Kogane. Or half the stuff I told you.”

At that, Keith fell silent. He debated saying something, but he came up empty, and ended up staring down wordlessly at his black combat boots. They were new – Adam had bought them for him recently, complaining that his old red and white ones were practically falling apart. These ones were lace-up, and looked pretty nice, Keith had to admit. Keith studied them as he picked at a loose string on his ripped black jeans and tried not to make eye contact with Lance.

The conversation had effectively been killed. Lance cleared his throat, and turned on the radio, playing some generic pop song. After a few minutes, he began to hum along quietly. Keith, for his part, folded his arms over his chest and stared out of the window.

Honestly, Keith had never met anyone like Lance before. It was weird how he found himself falling seamlessly into this dynamic of push and pull, especially with someone he’d (technically) just met. Lance knew exactly what buttons to press to get that spark flaring in Keith. This made him easy to talk to, in a weird, exhausting way, but it was unlike any relationship Keith had ever had with any of his friends.

The worst part was, Keith had the feeling that at some point, that spark would have lit a flare, triggered coils of heat in his gut that drew him inescapably into Lance’s orbit. Keith knew it. It was just, fundamentally, who Lance was – he was exactly the type of person who would catch Keith’s eye. His bright, blinding smiles, his quirky, ridiculous humor, his dramatic, witty banter. Keith wouldn’t have stood a chance. He was everything Keith wasn’t, and he was everything Keith craved.

But Keith couldn’t want him. No matter what he did, he had dampened that spark, and never again would it have a chance to light that fire.

And wasn’t that a cheerful thought to start the afternoon?

When Lance pulled up to his house, he turned to Keith. “Alright, we’re here early, so none of my sibling’s plus ones will have arrived yet. But, my siblings will be there when we go in, so we’ll be hanging out with them. Is that okay?”

Keith blinked, before narrowing his eyes, and nodding slowly.

“If you start feeling overwhelmed, or need a break,” Lance told him, “Just let me know. You can go cool off on the porch, or just hang out with Sylvio and Nadia – my niece and nephew. They’re a lot more easygoing than the adults.”

Keith nodded again. He had instinctively wanted to get defensive, feeling a little patronized, but when he took a step back and thought about it, Lance was actually being pretty considerate. Keith guessed that, like most of his friends, Lance knew that Keith had trouble socializing, especially with a lot of new people. He was just a little taken aback that Lance would go out of his way to accommodate Keith like this. It was… strangely sweet.

“Yeah,” Keith said out loud, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice. “Uh, thanks.”

Lance only offered a smile. “No problem, man. Let’s go.”

The Sanchez-McClain’s house was… real nice. It wasn’t much different from any of the other houses on its street, but the aura it gave off felt like something warm and fuzzy. The dim lighting glowed slightly different colors coming from different windows, probably due to variations in curtain color or tinted lights. Potted plants were lined on the front windowsill, all different shapes and sizes in an almost jarring manner that, somehow, just fit. A pink, rusted tricycle sat in one corner, leaned against the house. A row of uneven, clearly freshly-dug holes marred the middle of the lawn, perhaps hollowed out by the small, rebellious fingers of a couple of children. Pairs of wellington boots were lined up on the porch, ranging from big to small, from polka dots to plain black.

It was, undeniably, a home, in every sense of the word. 

“Come on, let’s go round to the back yard,” Lance told him, leading him down a path that ran around to the back of the house. He pushed open an already unlocked gate, and they emerged in the garden.

Lance’s family had a large garden – their patio was well-kept with a picnic table, and their lawn was bordered on either side with plants and flowers. They had a few trees and a tire swing at the far end of the yard, where a couple of kids were playing. Keith guessed they must be Sylvio and Nadia, Lance’s niece and nephew.

Lance offered him a glass of lemonade from the jug that was on the picnic table, which Keith accepted with a thanks.

“My siblings should be coming out soon,” Lance told him. “Not too late to back out now, you know. Just say the word, I can tell everyone you came down with a mysteriously convenient case of food poisoning and, very unfortunately, had to leave before you could start barfing.”

After fighting off a defensive retort, Keith managed a smile, once again reminding himself that he should be grateful for Lance’s concern. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Thanks, though.”

“Ok great, ‘cause here comes my sister,” Lance said, waving to someone behind Keith. “’Ronnie, come over and say hi to Keith!”

Keith looked back to the doorway where Lance was waving to see a girl, maybe a few years older than him and Lance, coming out of the house and walking towards them with a hesitant smile and a two-fingered salute.

“Hey, guys,” she greeted them.

She looked a lot like Lance, Keith observed. Although she had higher cheekbones and longer hair that cut off at her chin, he could see Lance in the curved slope of her nose, the deep blue of her eyes peering over her glasses and the elegant arch of her brows. They had the same clear, caramel skin and chocolate curls. She was very pretty, Keith noticed, and seemed kind of familiar too.

Keith squinted before his eyes widened in recognition. “I know you – Veronica, right? Acxa’s Veronica?”

Veronica flushed, caught off guard. “Acxa’s– What?”

“I mean,” Keith paused, rethinking his blunt words, “You’re from the Garrison. I’ve seen you around.”

She blinked a few times. “Oh, sure. I’ve seen you around too, you know, Defender of the Universe and all. Uh, nice to formally meet you, I guess.” She shifted her gaze, nodding to him with a smile.

“Likewise,” Keith returned, inclining his head despite his urge to frown. He knew that Veronica was pretending she hadn’t known him personally before, because he knew the whole Sanchez-McClain family had been familiar with him, what with him visiting Lance’s house to hang out regularly before he’d lost his memory. (And yes, he had been told this by Pidge.) Honestly, he would have preferred if she dropped the act, but he understood her want to avoid the awkward topic.

And anyway, he did also recognize Lance’s sister rather more familiarly than he should let on, due to a certain part-Galra lesbian friend of his, so he supposed they were sort of even, in some way or another.

Lance squinted a little in Veronica’s direction, observing her lingering blush with a suspicious and devious look, before he was distracted by someone calling his name inside.

“Hey, I’ll be right back,” Lance told them, “Uh, Veronica, you can keep Keith company for a minute, right?” He didn’t wait for her answer, just patting Keith on the shoulder before turning to leave. Inexplicable irritation rippled beneath Keith’s skin at that, and he almost grabbed Lance by the cuff of his sleeve in an attempt to make him stay. Instead, Keith gripped his lemonade glass stiffly while Lance retreated into the house without so much as a second look, yelling back to whoever had called for him.

Now alone with Lance’s older sister, Keith felt a little awkward. He’d never really been one for small talk, and wasn’t sure how to break the ice. Veronica was shifting on her feet next to him.

Just when he was about to open his mouth, probably to make some stupid comment about the weather or some shit, Veronica spoke up.

“Um… What was it exactly that you were saying about Acxa earlier? Does she… talk about me to you?” She was blushing fiercely, her tone hesitant and curious, maybe a little hopeful.

Then, she threw her hands up, flustered, and stammered, “Not that I care all that much, it’s just – you know, we’re friends or whatever and it’s totally cool but like, I get the feeling from what you said that she might have mentioned me or something but I mean, not to say that she _should_ have mentioned me like, I don’t wanna seem big headed or anything but that being said…”

As Veronica began to ramble, Keith blinked, taken aback at her animated reaction. Pondering this, and eyeing the pride pin on her denim jacket, he let a small smirk quirk his lips.

“Oh, yeah,” he cut into her monologue, swirling his cup idly, “She talks about you quite a bit, actually. Did you know, the first time we saw you at the Garrison, she leaned over to me and went, ‘ _I_ _call dibs on that one_.’”

“She– Really?” Veronica spluttered, rendered almost speechless in contrast to her previous word vomit. Somehow, she managed to look embarrassed and intrigued at the same time. “She said that about _me_?”

“Yeah, she did,” Keith snorted at the memory, “And I told her, ‘ _F_ _irst of all, I’m gay_ ,’” Veronica chortled slightly at that, “’ _and second of all, it’s not like you’re actually ever gonna go talk to her, you useless lesbian._ ’”

He took a sip of his lemonade before continuing, “Then do you know what she did?” He studied her face to gauge her reaction, “She just smiled at me and said ‘ _A_ _girl can dream, right_?’”

Veronica’s entire face lit up with a giddy smile, cheeks redder than ever. “Wow,” she laughed, “So, I’m like, a dream come true, huh? Damn it, I _knew_ I should have invited her today.” She looked slightly miffed, frowning annoyedly.

Keith regarded her with a smile, and he took another sip from his cup as she went on a bit. Yeah, Acxa definitely had a chance. This girl looked just as smitten with his friend as she was with her.

Keith just hoped Acxa wouldn’t mess up like he had.

But how could she? Keith doubted it was even possible for Acxa, or anyone else for that matter, to fuck something like this up as colossally as he had done. It was hard to believe that even _he_ had managed it. But then again, Keith was a notorious fuck-up, after all. If this was going to happen to anyone, of course it would happen to him.

Frowning at the sour turn his thoughts had taken, Keith pulled himself out of his mind and listened as Veronica rambled beside him. “I mean, I see her all the time at the Garrison, but she never seems to have time for me? Maybe she’s just, like, bad at talking to people?” she reasoned with herself, adjusting her glasses thoughtfully. Then she turned to Keith, and asked, “Did she say anything else? Does she still talk about me? What does she say?”

Smiling, Keith was about to answer, to tell her about when Acxa had heard Veronica laugh for the first time and had gripped her datapad so hard it had shattered, when he was interrupted by a voice behind him, high, smooth and decidedly female. “Hey, ‘Ronnie? Marco’s looking for you.”

Upon turning to look at the newcomer, Keith almost gasped in surprise. If Veronica looked like Lance, this person _was_ Lance, if he were a girl. From the shape of her face to the smile on her lips, it was strange to be looking at someone who resembled him so closely. The only real difference was the length of her hair, tied up in a high ponytail and reaching just past her shoulders.

Then the girl’s gaze shifted to Keith, she blinked, her smile gaining a certain tilt as she gave him a subtle once over, and Keith, having seen that look on Lance one too many times before, mainly directed at the girls at the Garrison, could only think, _oh no_.

“Hey, who do we have here?” Placing a hand on her hip, she tilted her head to the side coyly and stepped closer. “What’s your name, gorgeous?” she smirked, casually twirling a lock of her chocolate brown hair around a finger.

Keith stiffened a little. He glanced at Veronica for help.

“Uh –” Veronica’s eyes widened slightly in second-hand embarrassment, “Raquel, this is _Keith_. Remember? Lance’s _friend_?” She gave her a significant look.

The other girl, Raquel, gasped in recognition and took an abrupt step backwards, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. “Oh shit – I’m sorry, Keith, oh my god.” Scratching the back of her neck, she laughed nervously, seeming to flounder for a second before thrusting out her hand to shake and saying, “Uh, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Raquel?”

She seemed to cringe at her own awkwardness, but Keith only chuckled lightly and shook her hand. “It’s great to meet you too. You know… you look a lot like your brother.” He added, trying to move on quickly, and then belatedly hoping that this girl was, in fact, a sister of Lance’s.

Smiling, she replied, “Yeah, we get that a lot. We’re actually twins, he’s probably told you about me.”

“Really?” Keith’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “I didn’t know Lance had a twin.”

Raquel’s face fell comically. “He… he doesn’t talk about me?”

“I mean, I’ve only known him for like, I dunno, a week or so?” he amended at her crestfallen pout. “I’m sure he usually talks about you all the time, I wouldn’t know.”

Raquel and Veronica exchanged a glance at that, but before Keith could read into it too much, someone was clasping their hand on his shoulder and announcing their presence. “Hey, guys, hope you didn’t miss me too much,” Lance greeted, grinning.

Upon noticing Raquel, who gave him a grin, Lance sighed. “I see you’ve met my twin sister,” he said, his voice becoming deadpan, “Don’t believe a word she says, she’s an absolute menace.”

The girl in question let out a dramatic gasp. “Who, me? What have I _ever_ done to merit that?”

“If you’re anything like Lance, probably a lot,” Keith commented, taking another sip of his drink. Veronica laughed as Lance turned to Keith in exaggerated shock, retracting his hand from Keith’s shoulder and mirroring Raquel’s previous offended gasp.

“Betrayal,” he whined, smacking Keith’s arm. Keith resisted the urge to break the other boy’s fingers for that, reminding himself that he was supposed to be being _nice_. “And from the one person I thought I could trust around here!”

“Pfft, what gave you that idea?” Keith scoffed, smirking. Okay, maybe he was being a little meaner than necessary, but who could blame him? He was out of his depth here, and Lance wasn’t stopping him. If anything, he seemed to thrive on this sort of petty banter.

“Keith, my buddy, my man, my main mullet,” Lance started, to which Raquel let out a snort, “After everything we’ve been through, you’re gonna sell me out just like that?”

Keith’s brows furrowed, “The most we’ve been through together is a couple of uncomfortable war meetings where Iverson glares at us from across the table,” he said, before realizing his mistake.

Lance’s playful expression shattered momentarily. Raquel and Veronica exchanged an anxious glance, but before anyone could say anything, Lance had plastered on a smile again, letting out a weak laugh and nudging Keith with his elbow.

“And _that_ is the worst kind of trauma, dude,” he said with a strained chuckle. “Direct exposure to Iverson’s ugly mug should be listed in the Garrison’s safety hazards.”

Keith frowned. He knew he should say something, but he wasn’t sure what.

Just then, a shout coming from the doorway interrupted them. “¡Hijos! Vengan a ayudarme con la comida. Soy solo una persona, ¡no puedo hacer todo!”

It was Lance’s mother. She was standing in the doorway, a hand on her hip. She was a short, stocky woman, with her curly hair pulled back in a messy bun and a sharp, intelligent look in her eyes. Over a pretty floral dress, she wore a worn black apron that read, in faded white letters, _I child-proofed my house, but they still get in!_

Then, her gaze flicked in Keith’s direction, and her eyes seemed to widen in surprise. “Lance, why didn’t you tell me your friend had arrived?”

“Lo siento, Mamá, you were cooking, y no quería molestarte,” Lance responded. It was the first time Keith had heard him speaking Spanish.

Lance’s mother came up to Keith and, to his surprise, pulled him in for a hug. “It’s nice to see you, Keith.”

Hesitantly, Keith brought his arms up and hugged her back. She was almost a head shorter than him, but it was kind of… nice. Warm. Familiar, almost.

When she released him, Keith tried to say something, but it just came out as, “Uh…”

She smiled. “It’s okay.” She spoke with a slight Spanish accent. “I figured you probably wouldn’t remember me. But you will always have a place here, mijo.” _Mijo_. Keith had heard the term before – it meant _son_ in Spanish. He blinked in shock. Did she really mean that? Did she really see him as... a son? Unbidden, a lump started to form in Keith’s throat. Here was yet another person he’d let down, another person he’d left behind. This time, it was a mother figure that he’d lost.

But somehow, the warmth in Lance’s mom’s eyes told him different. Her smile felt like something stable, something he would always be able to rely on. It felt like coming home after a long day. Despite himself, Keith felt himself leaning into the idea of that warmth, that strength. It was… bittersweet, to say the least.

Despite his tumultuous mind, Keith found it in him to smile in return, letting his gratitude show on his face. “Um… Thank you, Ms. Sanchez.”

“Please, call me Rosa,” she assured him.

Keith could only nod dumbly.

Then, Rosa turned to her kids, and put her hand on her hip again. “Now, come on! Who’s going to help me in the kitchen?”

Raquel seemed to have literally disappeared. Keith glanced around, wondering where the heck she could have gone, but the other three only seemed mildly exasperated. Maybe this was a regular occurrence.

“I’ll deal with Raquel later,” Rosa muttered. “Veronica, come help me.”

“Uh, actually, I gotta go pick up Nadia right about now, so I can’t?” Veronica told her, backing toward the door.

Briefly, Keith wondered what she was talking about, since Lance’s niece was literally a few yards away from them playing with Sylvio, but then he realized she must be talking about Nadia Rizavi from the Garrison. He made a mental note to mention this to Acxa the next time he talked to her, just to give his friend a little shove in the right direction. He knew the look on her face when she realized that she’d blown the opportunity to get invited to dinner with her crush, who had decided to bring another girl instead, would be amusing, to say the least.

Giving a crooked grin, Veronica saluted before leaving.

Scowling, Rosa turned and raised an eyebrow at Lance.

Lance bit his lip. “I guess I could… but, uh, who’s gonna look after Keith?” he tried to protest, slinging an arm around Keith’s shoulders. “We can’t just leave him here all alone!”

Wrinkling his nose, Keith peeled the other boy’s arm away and was about to protest that he wasn’t a child, but decided to exercise some restraint, like Shiro was always nagging him about – he didn’t want to start an argument in front of Lance’s mother. He didn’t want to seem like some short-tempered problem child on his first impression (even if it would be kind of accurate).

Instead, he stepped forward and said, “I’ll come and help too.”

“Oh, Keith, you’re our guest, you really don’t have to,” Rosa protested, placing a hand on his arm.

“I insist,” Keith pressed firmly. “It’s the least I could do to repay you for being so kind to me.”

He saw Lance scoff beside him, probably at Keith’s out of character attempts at being a polite, civilized human being. Keith pointedly ignored him.

“Well, you’re a real charmer, you know that, Keith?” Rosa conceded, smiling. Keith only smiled back winningly (he hoped). “Alright. Come on, you two.”

As Rosa turned to lead them inside, Keith shot Lance a smirk. “I think your mom likes me,” he said smugly.

Lance rolled his eyes. “Suck-up,” he muttered back as they followed his mom inside. Keith only chuckled quietly.

Truthfully, Keith had never really been the best at cooking – Adam had tried to teach him time and time again, but it really was a lost cause.

He wanted to do something useful, though. He had meant what he said. Rosa was warm and welcoming, while at the same time being frank and open with him, and he was grateful for that. Despite his complete and utter lack of culinary skills, he couldn’t help but feel like he owed it to her to at least try and lend a hand.

Besides, with Rosa and Lance helping him, how hard could it be?

Well. As it turned out, pretty damn hard.

So far, Keith had almost burnt the sauce when he was supposed to be watching it for just a few minutes, spilled around two liters of sunflower oil, almost mistakenly added far too much chili powder to the picadillo, and cut his pinky finger whilst trying to chop cucumbers for the salad, now sporting a dinosaur-pattern band aid, courtesy of Sylvio. He’d now been banished from the kitchen in disgrace and told to stay in the garden with the two children.

Rosa had assured him not to worry, whilst Lance had just laughed at him and told him that if Hunk could see him now, he’d hang his head in shame.

Well, Keith definitely felt like an idiot sandwich. He was now sitting on the back doorstep with Sylvio and Nadia, and he was totally not pouting.

“Don’t worry,” Nadia assured him as Sylvio made sure Keith’s band aid was secured. “I’m not very good at helping, either.”

A lot of the other guests had arrived, and sitting at the picnic table were most of Lance’s siblings along with their partners and friends. But Keith didn’t really feel comfortable trying to socialize without Lance, since he barely knew anyone here, so he’d decided to stick with the two kids, like Lance had suggested doing earlier.

“ _I_ am!” Sylvio boasted, puffing out his chest. “Papá says my cooking is almost as good as Mamá’s!”

“Really?” Keith gave his best impressed look.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught some of the people at the picnic table turning to glance at him subtly, and he realized that they must be talking about him. With a twist in his gut, he looked away, trying to pretend not to notice.

“Sylvio, you’re gonna make Tío Keith feel bad!” Nadia scolded.

Keith smiled, a little surprised that Nadia already considered him an uncle. “It’s okay, Nadia. We’re good at other things, right?” To be honest, Keith didn’t really know much about dealing with kids, but one thing he did know was that they loved to talk. So, he thought asking questions was the best way to go.

Sure enough, Nadia perked up at the mention of things she might be good at. “Yeah!” she chirped. “Like braiding hair! Tío Lance taught me how, and I taught you, Tío Keith! Did you remember what I taught you?”

Keith was about to respond, but then he stopped, brows furrowing. Wait, when had Nadia taught him how to braid? He’d barely spent five minutes with her.

Keith realized with a sinking feeling that this must have been something he’d forgotten. Shit, it was pretty hard to remember that these people were more familiar with him than he realized. He was trying to think of the best way to answer Nadia’s question when Sylvio cut in, chastising his sister hushedly.

“No, Nadia, we can’t ask him about that!” he reminded her in a terrible whisper. “Abuelita said he forgot everything, remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” Nadia said, looking a little stumped. She turned back to Keith. “Sorry, Tío Keith. Do you want me to teach you how to braid hair again?”

Sylvio did a facepalm behind her, but Keith felt himself relax, smiling amusedly. “Maybe later, Nadia. I think we’ll be eating soon, anyway.” 

Right on cue, Rosa called from inside. Lance appeared in the doorway, starting to usher everyone inside.

When Sylvio and Nadia were told to go sit on the separate table meant for the kids, they whined and complained about not being able to sit with Keith. Keith assured them that they could find him later, and promised to take a look at Sylvio’s Pokémon card collection as well as Nadia’s hot wheels collection.

They all sat down at the dinner table. The food looked great. Keith managed to catch the names of a few dishes – quesadillas, ropa vieja, picadillo – as they were being passed around, but he wasn’t really paying attention, more occupied with piling food onto his plate and breathing in the delicious aroma.

As Lance promised, Rosa’s cooking was delicious. Keith told her as much, and everyone around the table agreed, much to her pride and happiness. It was the general consensus that Ms. Sanchez’s food could not be matched. Lance told him that it was thanks to her that all the Sanchez-McClain family were competent in the kitchen, to which she agreed that she would never allow a child of hers to prepare a lousy meal. Apparently, even Hunk was known to collect tips and culinary wisdom from her.

The only person that she had yet to manage to help was her husband, Ernesto. He was just as hopeless as Keith was, which he conceded to with a bowed head. But to make up for his incompetence when it came to food, Ernesto did the job of cleaning up the kitchen and doing the washing up, so Rosa didn’t mind all that much.

“One day, mi cielo,” she told him with a fond smile, “I’ll manage to teach you to make something more complicated than a ham sandwich.”

The rest of the table laughed as Ernesto blushed, smiling back at his wife.

“Hey, who doesn’t like a good ham sandwich?” he asked good-naturedly.

“Uh, we liked it the first a hundred times you made it, Dad,” Veronica replied drily, “After that, our enthusiasm started to wear thin.”

While everyone was amused at Ernesto’s petulant pout, Keith tuned out of the conversation, watching Lance for a moment. He was sitting opposite to Keith, talking to Nadia Rizavi animatedly. His plate was piled up with food, including a generous helping of garlic knots. When Rizavi noticed Keith watching, she offered him a smile and a nod, which he returned. He honestly hadn’t interacted with her much, despite them having been in the same class at the Garrison – the same went for most of his old classmates – but he knew that she was smart and a good pilot, and knew how to put people like James Griffin in their place. He respected her.

Lance noticed him looking too, and gave him a questioning look, as if checking that he was alright. Keith inclined his head, conveying that he was fine, before turning his focus back onto his food.

It was then that Keith noticed out of the corner of his eye that one of Lance’s brothers, sitting beside Keith, was regarding him curiously. He tried not to tense at the realization, wondering if he’d try and start a conversation.

It turned out, Keith was right to wonder, because not half a minute later, the man beside him turned to face Keith more directly.

“So,” started Lance’s brother – his name was Luis, if Keith remembered correctly. His voice was light and casual, but Keith was still wary. “Sylvio and Nadia seem to love you more than ever – strange for someone who insists that he’s not good with kids.”

Keith narrowed his eyes. “How did you…” but he found that he knew the answer before he’d even finished the question.

Luis gave a small smile to show he understood. “You’d be damned to think that a little memory loss would stop those two from adopting you. They’ve imprinted on you now, like little ducklings. They’ll just pick up right where they left off.”

Keith sighed, allowing his tension to deflate slightly. “You’re telling me. Your kids are great, by the way,” he added, hoping that he remembered correctly and Sylvio and Nadia were Luis’s children.

“Yeah, but I bet they’re giving you some shit for forgetting everything they taught you,” Luis grinned. Keith was a little taken aback by his casual manner, but he nodded, finding the corner of his mouth quirking in return.

“Right! Apparently, Nadia taught me how to braid or something? I’ve never done a braid in my life,” Keith told him.

“When you told her that for the first time, Nadia was horrified,” Luis recalled. “She said it was such a waste, with hair as nice as yours.”

Absently, Keith pulled at a lock of his hair, imagining Nadia’s big cocoa-brown eyes wide with despair at the idea that the most Keith ever did was throw his hair into a messy bun. The image brought a smile to his lips. “She’s sweet. Sylvio too.”

“I should hope so,” Luis said, “I didn’t raise them to be any different.”

“Who, the Terrible Two?” Lance’s other brother butted in. Marco, Keith thought his name was. “Oh, they’re a couple of devils – just like their old man. D’you know, the other day, they stole all my left socks and buried them out in the backyard?”

Keith almost choked on his quesadilla. He looked at Luis incredulously, who nodded in confirmation.

“Just the left ones?” Keith had to ask through his grin.

“ _Only_ the left ones,” Marco confirmed. “And they, apparently, still can’t remember where they buried them.”

“Yup, those are my kids alright,” Luis sighed with a look of distant pride.

Luis’s wife, Lisa, sitting beside him, scoffed and swatted his shoulder. “The whole reason they’re like this is because you encourage them so much, Luis! _Honestly_.”

“Hey!” Luis protested. “Tell me you didn’t think it was funny when they dug up those worms and Nadia put some in Tía Abuela Valeria’s hair.”

Keith stifled a snort, while Marco burst out in laughter at the memory. Even Lisa couldn’t hold back a smile.

“Okay, that one was pretty funny,” she admitted. “I’ll never forget the way she screamed… I’ve always hated that woman. I was torn between grounding Sylvio and Nadia, or buying them ice-cream."

“Of course, we had to ground the two of them,” Luis told Keith. “But not before I gave Nadia a well-deserved high-five.”

As Keith laughed with Lance’s siblings, he noticed Lance giving him a funny look. Brows furrowed, Keith tilted his head at him questioningly. Lance’s face did something complicated, before he shook his head in dismissal and turned back to his own conversation.

Keith frowned, a little confused, but ultimately he forgot about it when Rosa stood up and mentioned dessert.

The rest of dinner passed easily. Keith was able to make easy conversation with Lance’s siblings and their friends and partners, who did their best to accommodate him and left little room for awkward pauses in conversation. Once it was over, they all went back into the back yard, where there was enough space for everyone to spread out and talk in groups. There were board games and refreshments on the picnic table. A group of older family members had chosen to stay inside, and were in the living room talking.

Keith was with Marco and Raquel, listening as Raquel told an animated story about how she’d almost died while surfing at Varadero beach. He couldn’t help but compare her mannerisms to Lance’s – their gestures and expressions were practically identical. Keith wondered if that was a twin thing, or if they were just that close to one another. Probably a bit of both.

On that note, Keith looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of Lance, but he didn’t spot him anywhere. He saw Luis attending to a crying Sylvio, who had just fallen off the tire swing, whilst Nadia jumped up and down beside them and insisted that she hadn’t pushed him. He saw Rizavi, Veronica and Lisa with some other guests playing snakes and ladders at the picnic table. He even spotted the family cat lounging on the lawn, but no sign of Lance.

Frowning, Keith turned to Marco and Raquel and asked, “Hey, where’s Lance?”

“Uh,” Marco said, looking around as Keith had done a second ago. “I dunno, he was with Veronica and Rizavi earlier...”

“Maybe he went inside?” Raquel suggested. “Or he might just be in the bathroom or something.”

Keith hummed in agreement, and they continued their conversation, but around twenty minutes passed and Lance didn’t appear. Keith was beginning to tire a little – he enjoyed the Sanchez-McClains’ company, but spending so much time with people he’d just met was taking a lot out of him.

And so, as the sky began to turn orange, he excused himself and went inside to look for his missing friend.

***

_Lance blinked back tears, hugging Allura tightly._

_“I’m so sorry, Allura,” he managed to croak, voice raw and shaky._

_They were at the park where they’d had their first date. The sun had just set and the trees were bathed in cool moonlight. The area had been flourishing since Allura had re-gifted it with life, and the stars were just starting to become visible in the night sky._

_It was a beautiful night for the breakup that had been inevitable since their first kiss._

_Allura sighed slightly against his shoulder. “Don’t be. We both know this never could have worked out. It only would have hurt the both of us.” She pulled back to look him in the eyes, “Our hearts have never belonged to each other. Not truly.”_

_Lance wished he could disagree, wished he could deny it. But any protests died on his tongue. He knew she was right. He’d known all along._

_Allura chuckled, though her eyes were watery. “We could never be happy together when we’ve already given ourselves to others.”_

_Pulling back, she shook her head slightly, looking up at Lance. “Who am I to keep you from him?”_

_Lance’s breath hitched, and despite himself, his mind flickered with images of midnight eyes behind dark bangs, lips with the corner upturned in the slightest of smirks._

_Allura leveled him with a knowing smile. “I know that I’ll never be able to have a future with the person I loved,” she told him, sadness brimming in her eyes as it always did when she thought about Lotor, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t find new love, in time. And it doesn’t mean you can’t have yours. I need to learn to let go of my past, and you…”_

_Allura took both of his hands in hers. “You need to go and get your future, Lance. Don’t let him slip away.”_

_Lance looked at her for a moment before letting out a sound that was halfway between a chuckle and a sob. “Allura… Thank you.” He squeezed her hands gently. “You’re such a good person, you know that?” He let go of her hand briefly to rub the moisture from his eyes._

_“You’re right,” he sighed, an air of resignation in his voice. “It’s Keith, Allura. I love him. So much.” His voice broke with emotion towards the end. He loved him so much, it_ hurt _._

_Allura only nodded knowingly, her kind smile never wavering._

_Then, Lance’s brow furrowed slightly. “But… How…” his voice trailed off. He couldn’t understand how Allura had managed to see a part of himself that he thought he’d hidden so well._

_“Don’t worry,” she assured him, a twinkle in her eyes, “The others have no idea, much less Keith himself. You were pretty subtle. I just seem to have, ah, let’s say, a knack for picking up on these sorts of things.”_

_They both chuckled at that. Lance did know from experience that it was impossible to keep a secret from the Princess._

_Then her eyes turned serious as she looked up at Lance. “He’s been waiting for you,” she told him quietly._

_“I know,” he whispered, smiling softly. God, he’d known for so long, he’d just been too busy being a total idiot._

_But after a second, his smile slipped, and he gazed at Allura sadly._

_“I just –” Lance’s voice faltered, and he took a breath before continuing, “I just wish things didn’t have to end this way for you,” he said, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth._

_Allura only laughed slightly, shifting to stand beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder._

_“This isn’t the end for me, Lance,” she told him, her voice quiet, but filled with conviction. “I’ve got a lot to look forward to. I have the chance to rebuild my culture, to give my people a life on New Altea. I can continue my father’s legacy.”_

_Lance understood the unspoken in her reassurance. Right now, Allura didn’t need romance in her life to feel complete. She had bigger dreams, a bigger purpose, and in that, she found her fulfillment._

_She wasn’t alone, either. She would have her friends – her_ family _– with her the whole way. And for now, that was enough._

_They turned their heads to watch the sky, as more stars began to glimmer into view. The night was cloudless, and they could make out constellations, galaxies, the same night sky that Lance had been gazing at in wonder ever since he’d had the ability to wonder at anything._

_Lance’s eyes came to rest on two bright stars at the corner of the universe, and maybe it was just his imagination, but their glow seemed to outshine that of all the other stars in the sky. They winked at him, red and blue, side by side, and to anyone else, they may seem like any two stars, small in the vast universe. But not to Lance._

_To Lance, they looked like the future._

***

Lance stood on the porch outside his house, trying to regain his bearings as he breathed in the crisp evening air. The sun was just kissing the horizon, and a gentle breeze brought goosebumps to his arms, unusual for this time of year. He was almost grateful for the distracting chill.

Seeing Keith interacting with his family - how well he got on with his niece and nephew, how much he smiled and laughed when talking to his siblings, the hopelessly endearing way that he’d tried so hard to help his mother with the food, despite being a complete disaster in the kitchen – it was just too much. It was like everything he’d been desperately trying to suppress had finally come bubbling to the surface.

It was painful how seamlessly Keith fit into his family. It was as if Lance was being given a cruel glimpse of a future he knew he’d never have. A future with Keith by his side, where Keith _was_ his future. Where Keith was a part of his family.

Lance heard someone approaching from the house and dread settled in his stomach. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. He heard them pause at the front door behind him.

“Lance?” It was him. Fuck, of _course_ it was him. Lance refused to turn around, fixing his gaze straight ahead of him.

Keith came to lean on the wooden railing beside him, and for a few moments he was silent, as if he was searching for the right thing to say. Still, Lance didn’t turn to acknowledge him, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to stand what he saw.

Internally, Lance cursed the stars, the gods and everything holy. It was cruelly familiar – him and Keith, alone, watching the sunset, unresolved romantic tension tangible in the air – although this time, it was painfully one-sided. Lance almost could almost laugh out loud at the irony.

Lance remembered that day clearly. He’d sought Keith out in his moment of doubt and insecurity before his date with Allura, certain that everything was going to go wrong. But like always, Keith had managed to lift Lance’s spirits within a few minutes of conversation, convincing him that he had something to offer.

He could still see the soft look in Keith’s eyes, his small smile, his profile radiant in the gentle lighting that bathed his features. Lance’s insides had melted with affection, affection that he never would have admitted to feeling, the type that lit a flame in his gut and made his body ache to be closer. At the time, Lance had tried to dismiss it, to assure himself that those feelings were in anticipation for his date with Allura. But no matter how hard he’d tried, that idea hadn’t sat right with him, not when his eyes kept wandering, drawing him like a magnet to Keith, his hair, his eyes, his lips.

God, he wished he had kissed him then.

Lance gritted his teeth. Why had Keith come here? Didn’t he realize that Lance couldn’t bear to see him right now?

“I don’t understand,” Keith admitted eventually. “I thought… things were going well? But,” he paused, seemingly gathering his thoughts, “I’m not really good at this, but you know you can talk to me, about anything. We’re friends now, right?” He shifted a little, turning towards Lance, whose fingers were tapping restlessly on the porch railing. “I want to help you.”

Lance couldn’t take it anymore, he needed Keith to stop talking, needed to stop seeing the soft, earnest look in his eyes, to stop hearing the gentle concern in his voice and he was standing too close, much too close and Lance couldn’t _bear_ it.

Keith’s brows furrowed, “Lan–”

And then Lance was surging forward and his lips were on Keith’s, fingers grasping at the dark locks of hair at the back of his neck. Keith’s lips tasted vaguely of cinnamon, soft and slack as Lance pressed into his mouth, and Keith –

Keith wasn’t moving. His body was stiff, unresponsive against him, and Lance suddenly came to his senses.

Lance pulled back abruptly, practically flinging his body away from Keith. He turned away to hide his face, heart pounding erratically.

Fuck. Had he seriously just done that? Oh god, what the _fuck_. Lance’s skin was crawling, he couldn’t believe he’d just _kissed_ Keith. Lance didn’t dare look at him, didn’t think he could handle the horror that would be written on his face. He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back tears and hoping to God that Keith would just leave without a word and save him the humiliation.

Keith shifted at his side and Lance bit his trembling lip, preparing himself for the worst.

Then, Lance felt gentle hands on his shoulders, and Keith was bringing Lance back towards him, turning him around to face him. When Lance still refused to look up, fixating resolutely on the ground, Keith hooked a finger under his chin, carefully tipping his face upwards to meet his eyes.

Lance anxiously searched Keith’s expression for any sign of shock, disgust, even hatred. But Keith didn’t look shocked or disgusted. Instead, he met Lance’s gaze with a soft sadness, genuine and raw.

And something inside Lance just broke.

There was nothing Lance could do to stop the sobs from wracking his body, the tears from stinging his eyes and blurring his vision. Keith gathered him in his arms, soothing him softly, whispering assurances into his hair as Lance’s tears stained his t-shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Lance croaked, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry –”

“It’s alright,” Keith soothed, “It’s okay, we’re alright.”

He swayed them gently, rubbing circles in Lance’s back and stroking his hair, continuing to placate him under his breath. Lance melted into him, clinging to him tightly as he wept. And he wondered, as the sky turned violet and the sun disappeared below the horizon, and Keith’s arms remained steady and strong around him, if he would ever really be alright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish translations: Rosa says something along the lines of telling her kids to come and help her with the cooking because she can’t do everything herself. Lance tells her that he didn’t want to bother her.  
> * Please bear in mind that I am not a native Cuban Spanish speaker and I am going off my limited research on the culture and language, so if I made any mistakes, please do correct me!
> 
> Ouch. Poor Lance. You know what, someone should really do something about all that pent-up repressed emotion…
> 
> On a side note, it has been brought to my attention that I should probably start linking [my tumblr](https://kosmo-mckogane.tumblr.com/) in my fics, so I’ll be adding a link in the notes of all my kl fics. Feel free to hop on my blog and yell at me about my work, any new fic ideas, anything klance related or just whatever the fuck you want! Because I’m gonna be honest, guys, sometimes posting in the vld fandom these days is like screaming into a cold, empty void. 
> 
> Anyways, please leave a comment, tell me what you guys think about this week’s chapter! Come on, don’t hold back. Tell me how you really feel… <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance’s insides curled at the memory of how kind Keith had been to him that Friday, supportive and gentle in the way that he always was with his friends. It made his skin tingle to know that Keith cared about him, but the feeling was clouded with the bitter ache of the knowledge that Keith would never care for him in the way that Lance so desperately wished he did – the knowledge which was slowly eating at Lance from the inside out.
> 
>  _This is how Keith felt for years_ , a voice in Lance’s head told him. _Now it’s your turn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter is almost 10k of Lance and Keith being an emotional hot mess! Hope y'all enjoy <3

It had been four days since Keith and Lance had spoken to one another, and Lance was lying on his back on his bed, gaze fixed on the glow-in-the-dark stars that he’d stuck on the ceiling when he was a kid as he wondered where everything had gone wrong.

He’d had been avoiding Keith like the plague ever since Lance had invited him over for dinner, had a breakdown, accidentally kissed him and cried into his shirt like a toddler. In that order.

Yikes.

Lance dragged his hands down his face, letting out a groan. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. What had he been thinking, anyway, inviting Keith over? _Why_ had he believed that there was even a chance of that ending well?

When Lance entertained the question – really entertained it, without trying to pretend or hiding behind a wall of denial – he could admit that maybe, secretly, he had hoped that by having Keith meet his family again, he’d… He didn’t know. Trigger Keith’s memory in some way? Lance could acknowledge that he might have briefly held the notion that there was a teeny possibility Keith would remember his family anyway, and that it might help them to connect. Obviously that hadn’t been the case, and Lance couldn’t swallow down the disappointment that welled in his throat when Keith had seemed to recognize Veronica, only for Lance to realize that it was only a surface level recognition, through Keith’s friend Acxa, and not through Lance. Perhaps a small, stupid part of Lance had hoped that this would be – well, familiar. Almost like he had the old Keith back again.

Internally, he slapped himself for the thought. There was no _old_ or _new_ Keith. There was just _Keith_. But deep down, Lance understood where the difference lay – it was in the spark in Keith’s eyes, the smile on his lips, when he looked at Lance. The fold lilt to his voice, his lingering gaze, the way he accepted Lance’s touch readily, and listened to him intently. All of which were gone now.

Even so, Lance’s insides curled at the memory of how kind Keith had been to him that Friday, supportive and gentle in the way that he always was with his friends. It made his skin tingle to know that Keith cared about him, but the feeling was clouded with the bitter ache of the knowledge that Keith would never care for him in the way that Lance so desperately wished he did – the knowledge which was slowly eating at Lance from the inside out.

 _This is how Keith felt for years_ , a voice in Lance’s head told him. _Now it’s your turn_.

Lance sighed, curling in on himself.

To make matters worse, he'd been so curt with Keith afterwards. Lance had wiped his tears on Keith’s shirt and slipped back into the house without as much as a thank you. Ignoring the concern of his family, he’d bade a bee-line for his bedroom, locking himself in for the rest of the night.

Later, when Raquel had come to check on him, she’d told him that Keith had left not long after that, trying to assure his family that he could make his own way home, since Lance had been his ride there. Even so, Marco had insisted on driving Keith home in Lance’s stead.

In short, Lance was a royal asshole.

And the worst part was, Keith didn’t even seem annoyed or upset with him in the slightest. In fact, Veronica, who had seen Keith at the Garrison yesterday when Lance had skipped work, had told him that he’d asked her _how Lance was doing_ , that he was _worried_ about him, through it all, giving Lance himself the space that he needed to clear his head.

He was just being so _nice_ and _respectful_ , and it was so starkly different from the way that Keith treated most people. As if he was making an effort for Lance.

So, naturally, Lance was left with no option but to hide away and wallow in shame.

This time, none of the usual distractions had worked for Lance. He tried playing video games, but that just reminded him of Keith. Of how it was Keith he usually played on his console with and bickered playfully with as he mashed the buttons of his controller, it was Keith that he inevitably broke out into a physical brawl with when one of them was losing, their laughter echoing through the room. So that was a no-go.

And Lance found that he just kept facing the same problem. Watching Disney movies had brought him back to the softness of Keith’s hair brushing his neck when he would fall asleep with his head on Lance’s shoulder during a movie night. Playing with Sylvio and Nadia brought up innocent questions about ‘ _Uncle Keith_ ’. In fact, Lance had become restless in his own room for all the memories he found resurfacing, and in his frustration, had deep cleaned it to the point of spotlessness, stowing away everything that brought on even a flicker of painful memory.

Even then, Lance began to feel stifled in the confines of his own four walls. He’d tried to get out for a while, take a walk and get some air. It had helped somewhat, but being outside had heightened his fear and paranoia of bumping into someone he knew – someone who would ask well-meaning questions about how he was doing, how he was coping. Within twenty minutes, his irrational fear had gotten the better of him, and Lance was holing himself up in his room once more.

He’d left the window open to feel less stifled. Lounged on his bed and watched one of his old comfort sitcoms that he’d loved in his early teenage years. It was no use, though. It wasn’t enough to distract him from his thoughts. He kept losing focus, missing parts of the plot and having to rewind – sometimes losing entire episodes. Eventually, he’d given up, the holopad laying forgotten on his bedside table as he resorted to counting the stars on his ceiling. This was so _useless_.

And that led to where Lance was now – where he had been for the past hour. Laying on his bed, staring unseeingly up at his ceiling, consumed by his own misery. Distantly, Lance thought he heard the doorbell ring downstairs, but he just ignored it, not even bothered to go to his window and check who it was. Someone else who wasn’t suffering from the worst heartbreak of the century could deal with that.

Somewhere at the back of Lance’s mind, he knew that this wasn’t the best of coping mechanisms, but hey, since he’d been so good at ignoring the logical side of his brain lately, he may as well spiral all the way to hell.

Heaving a sigh, Lance rolled onto his side on the bed to face the wall, curling up in a fetal position. He screwed his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from thinking of all the ways he’d fucked up, all the ‘ _should have’_ s and ‘ _what if_ ’s.

But Lance could feel his resolve crumbling, and he was too emotionally exhausted to stop his thoughts from drifting into painful territory.

Just then, he heard his bedroom door creak open and looked over to see Raquel poking her head into the room.

“Hey, hermanito,” she said quietly – she’d called him that since they were kids, even though they were literally twins and she was barely a couple of minutes older than him. Eventually, Lance had stopped protesting out of resignation. “Someone’s come to visit you.”

Lance flopped onto his back again, studying the stars on his ceiling, dread rolling in his stomach. He worried his lower lip with his teeth before letting out a frustrated sigh.

He definitely wasn’t ready for this yet.

“Tell him I’m asleep or something,” he muttered, closing his eyes.

There was a pause.

“… It’s Allura,” Raquel pressed tentatively.

Lance opened his eyes again.

He was silent for a moment, then slowly sat up. “… Fine. Send her up here.” he responded finally, rubbing his face warily.

The door closed with a click as Raquel went to get her, and Lance moved to sit on the edge of his bed. He ran a hand through his hair, aware that he hadn’t showered since the day before yesterday and hoping that he didn’t look or smell too terrible.

After a minute, a hesitant knock sounded on his door.

“Come in,” Lance called.

He looked over as the door swung open to reveal Allura stood in the doorway, her hand resting on the doorframe. Her flowing, white hair was tied up in a high ponytail, and she was dressed in fitting azure-blue jeans and a hot pink tank top.

She was effortlessly beautiful as always, and Lance felt a little self-conscious in his ratty grey sweatpants and faded _Fuck SeaWorld_ t-shirt.

Nevertheless, he forced a smile, and croaked out, “Hey, Allura.”

She looked at him for a second, then came into the room, shutting the door behind her. When she turned to him again, her eyes were filled with sorrow.

She didn’t say anything, only coming to stand in front of him. She took his hands and pulled him to his feet before hugging him tightly.

“Oh, Lance,” she murmured, voice raw with emotion. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Lance didn’t even have the strength to cry. He’d been doing that so much lately, he was sick of it.

He was just so tired. Tired of smiling, tired of yearning, tired of believing things would be alright.

 _I'm sorry_. Lance heard those words so many times, they barely seemed to hold meaning anymore. From his colleagues at the garrison, to his neighbors and friends in town, even his family. They always seemed hollow – empty words spoken above vague assumptions and meaningless sympathy.

But this wasn’t just anyone. This was Allura, one of his best friends, who had tasted loss like poison on her tongue, felt the sting of her own heart’s betrayal like the jagged edge of a blade sinking between her shoulder blades.

Her sorrow wasn’t empty. It was true.

So when she hugged him fiercely, Lance sunk into her arms, letting the tension that he hadn’t known he’d been holding seep from his body and going boneless against her. She held him, unwaveringly supportive, while he simply buried his face in her shoulder and exhaled.

He was just so _tired_.

When he finally pulled back, Lance let out another shaky sigh, sitting back down on his bed heavily. He was past pretending to be okay.

Allura sat beside him, waiting patiently for him to speak. It was something that Lance really appreciated about his friend – she always knew whether he needed her to talk or if he just needed someone to listen.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “He… It would be different if he just hadn’t loved me in the first place, but _this_ … He doesn’t even remember me, ‘Llura.” His voice broke. “We can’t even be _friends_.” Because let’s be honest, nothing between them was working anymore.

He shuffled back on his bed until his back hit the wall, bringing his knees up to rest his forearms on them loosely. “And I know that I shouldn’t be, but I’m fucking _mad_ at him!” It was the first time Lance had voiced this thought aloud. “I’m mad that he kept everything from me. He was _dying_ , and he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to make _me_ uncomfortable, that stupid, self-sacrificing bastard! How could he not have known that I –”

Lance cut himself off, not wanting his voice to break. He maintained his scowl for a moment, then let out a defeated sigh. “But I know that it’s unfair to blame him for shit like that because he doesn’t even _remember_.”

He paused, then added quietly, “I think I’m more mad at myself, really. This whole situation could have been avoided if I was just honest with him in the first place. Now it’s too late. I… I almost feel like this is some kind of compensation – like karma. All this time, I just took him for granted. _I_ knew how he felt. But I didn’t really think about _him_. He– he thought I didn’t love him,” Lance faltered, “He really believed that I didn’t love him, and now –” Lance’s felt his hands begin to tremble. He couldn’t bring himself to continue.

“Lance…” Allura reached out and placed her hand over this. “You have the right to be conflicted. You have the right to be upset and angry. But please, you mustn’t blame yourself for all of this. There’s no way you could have known what was going on with Keith unless he’d told you. You had no ill intentions, Lance. You must understand this.”

Despite the situation, Lance managed a wobbly smile. He liked Allura’s funny, formal way of talking. She always managed to put things into perspective. “I know, Allura,” he assured her, “I know, it’s just… it’s just hard sometimes, you know? But… I’m trying. I really am.”

Allura returned his smile, and nodded, before retracting her hand and shuffling back so her back was against the wall as well, crossing her legs.

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Lance glanced at Allura gratefully. A little selfishly, he wished she’d come back from Altea earlier – he knew she would have stopped him from doing half the stupid shit he’d gotten himself into – but he quickly banished the thought. Allura’s job wasn’t to babysit the rest of the paladins.

On that thought, Lance was suddenly reminded of something that he’d been wanting to talk to her about – something that, surprisingly, was unrelated to the whole Keith issue.

“Hey, Allura…” he started, “I’ve been meaning to… well, I just wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Allura repeated, blinking.

Lance nodded. “I know we talked a bit about it when we broke up, but I never really apologized for how I treated you all these years – like you were just a potential girlfriend, even though you kept saying no. I became _that guy_ – the one that just constantly pesters a girl until she goes on a date with him.”

Allura’s resounding silence was enough of a confirmation for Lance. “You clearly said no,” he continued, “Multiple times, and you didn’t want to say yes that day I asked you out, and I knew that. I’m just so sorry that I put that kind of pressure on you. I would never want to make anyone feel like that.”

He glanced at Allura to gauge her reaction. She was regarding him in surprise, seemingly taken aback. Then, a small smile came over her features.

"Thank you for saying that, Lance,” she said, “I appreciate it.” 

She tugged at a lock of her hair. “While we’re on the subject of apologies, I think I owe you one too. I shouldn’t have tried to push myself to move on so soon after my fall out with Lotor, and I especially shouldn’t have taken advantage of your feelings in the process. I’m really sorry about that, Lance.”

Lance smiled “No worries, Princess.” Truthfully, Lance was glad that Allura had acknowledged this. It seemed to validate some of the insecurity he’d felt during and around their relationship.

Allura smiled back hesitantly, and nodded. Then, Lance turned to face her on the bed.

“Anyway,” he continued, “Serious stuff aside, it’s been so long since we’ve caught up, Allura. You gotta tell me what’s been going on up in New Altea.” He grinned encouragingly.

“Lance…” Allura protested, although he could see the twinkle in her eyes that meant she was dying to spill. “Are you sure you don’t want to…”

“Oh, come on,” Lance pressed. “I’ve dumped on you enough, and honestly, I don’t want to think about it anymore. So, how’s life as _Queen Allura_?” He punctuated the words with jazz hands.

Allura hesitated for a moment, before huffing out a laugh, a grin spreading across her face.

“Where do I even start?”

_***_

It had been a few days since Keith had last heard from Lance, and Keith had had a lot on his mind, to say the least.

He was at the Garrison, sitting on the swing seat in the same garden where he’d had his first real conversation with Lance. Or, rather, their first conversation after Keith had lost his memories of him.

Kosmo was at his feet, lounging in the grass. Despite his relaxed appearance, Keith could tell that his wolf was excitedly taking in their surroundings, ears twitching restlessly, eyes roaming the garden. Suddenly, Kosmo perked up, raising his head and followed something with his eyes, narrowing them and getting into a hunting stance. Quicker than you could blink, he pounced, flattening something under his paws. Then, he gently lifted one paw to reveal a bright blue butterfly, its wings beating wildly, caught beneath the other paw, claws sheathed.

“Oh, Kosmo, come on,” Keith told him with an exasperated sigh, “Leave it alone, boy. Come on. Let it go.”

Kosmo looked up at Keith, eyes wide and innocent.

“Kosmo,” Keith said sternly. “Leave it.”

Reluctantly, Kosmo moved his paw and let the very disheveled butterfly flutter away weakly, watching it mournfully as it went.

Then, the wolf teleported in a flash of blue, landing over Keith’s lap and knocking the air out of him with an _oof_.

Keith chuckled as Kosmo adjusted him himself, curling up comfortably over Keith’s legs.

“Alright, buddy,” he murmured. He ran his hands over the soft fur, and Kosmo’s tail swished in contentment.

Sighing deeply, Keith turned his head toward the sky, watching wispy clouds drift over the expanse of blue. Keith had done his best to be there for Lance, making an effort to talk to him like he’d talk to Shiro, or Hunk. He’d thought that by staying close to Lance, treating him like a friend he’d known for years, he could somehow ease the pain of losing his love.

Now, he was wondering if what Lance really needed was the exact opposite.

Maybe he needed to give Lance space to move on.

To Keith’s surprise, he found that the idea of not talking to Lance made his lips downturn in displeasure – he’d come to enjoy hanging out with the other boy. He was loud and brash, yet caring and thoughtful, and he always managed to bring life with him wherever he went. And he was actually kind of funny, although Keith wasn’t going to inflate Lance’s ego further by admitting it.

But despite all this, Keith would never be able to give Lance what he was so desperate for. He realized that for Lance, being around him probably felt as if Keith was pouring salt on the wound that he’d inflicted in the first place, and he wouldn’t ever want to put anyone through that kind of pain.

A big part of Keith, which he frowned upon guiltily, was drawn to the idea of putting some distance between the two of them. While he did genuinely like Lance as a person, he didn’t think he’d be able to handle much more of the tension and turmoil that resulted whenever the two of them were put in the same room together – like they were a bomb just waiting to go off. A part of Keith wondered if this hesitant, strenuous whisper of a friendship that they had going on was really worth all the baggage.

And, on a more blatantly selfish note, Keith really didn’t want to face Lance after everything that had happened. Maintaining their sort-of friendship was taking a massive toll on him emotionally.

On the other hand, letting go of Lance meant that he might have to start letting go of the rest of his friends, and most likely cause a rift between them that Keith wasn’t sure he’d be able to repair. It would mean choosing sides and stirring trouble. Keith wasn’t sure _that_ would be worth it, either.

But either way, there was little point in entertaining this, since Keith didn’t exactly have much of a choice in the matter.

Keith remembered Lance’s face that day at his house, his pained, torn expression, the rapid tap of his fingers on the wood as he’d refused to meet Keith’s gaze. He remembered his own frustration at not being able to understand what was going on in Lance’s head. He remembered, then, the blank shock as Lance’s lips had met his, the sudden wave of clarity as he finally looked into the eyes of a heartbroken boy and saw the turmoil behind them.

Honestly, after that, he had no idea what he was going to say to Lance when he saw him again. _I’m sorry for ripping your heart to pieces_ didn’t seem to cut it.

Hell, he didn’t even know if Lance really _wanted_ to see him again. Probably not, based on how many times Keith had made him cry.

Yeah, seeking Lance out was seeming like less and less of a good idea.

He’d even tried asking Veronica about Lance yesterday, when Lance hadn’t come in for work at the Garrison, but she’d only given him vague answers. Not a good sign.

The one thing that kept playing on Keith’s mind, the one thing he just kept coming back to, was just how messed up it was that he could have completely _forgotten_ someone who had apparently meant so much to him. Admittedly, he’d thought, somewhere in the back of his mind, that by spending more time with Lance, he might just trigger some sort of underlying memory of him, some faint flicker of familiarity. He’d thought that, just maybe, he’d start to remember him, even a little bit. But that hadn’t happened at all. If anything, Keith was now even more certain that Lance was a stranger.

He was especially guilty about Lance’s family. They had all seemed to love him, to accept him with open arms – but that only made Keith’s chest tighten with loss. He’d likely never be as close with the Sanchez-McClain family as he once was. That bridge had been burnt for good.

Frowning, Keith turned his attention to the wolf draped across his lap and whining for attention. He scratched behind Kosmo’s ears. Kosmo turned his head and licked Keith’s palm.

“Gross,” Keith muttered, but he carried on petting him nonetheless. He was glad Kosmo seemed to be spending today with him. While he didn’t exactly want to talk to anyone right now, he was grateful for the company. And for the contact and warmth of the soft, sleek yet fluffy fur of his wolf’s pelt, threading between his fingers.

In the last few days, Shiro had sensed that something was off about Keith, as well as Lance’s absence from the Garrison yesterday, and had asked Keith a few times if they were doing okay. He’d brushed him off, telling him that everything was fine between him and Lance. He hadn’t told Shiro that he’d gone to visit Lance that Friday afternoon, since he had been planning on telling him about it afterwards. Now, though, Keith was too conflicted to even think about sharing this with anyone, despite the twist in his gut every time he dismissed his brother.

It had already been hard enough to explain what had happened to Pidge, briefly, without disclosing anything that Lance wouldn’t want him to. Fortunately, he’d done it over text, and the only response he’d gotten from his friend was a GIF that said, _I could have told you that was going to happen. Hang on– no, wait, I did!_ Which, first of all, no, she hadn’t told him that this exact thing was going to happen, or else he’d have fled halfway across the country. Second of all, where did she even _get_ all these weirdly specific GIFs?

Even so, he appreciated Pidge for trying to keep things light. He didn’t know what he would have done if she’d tried to pressure him into actually talking.

Letting out another sigh, Keith tapped at Kosmo’s side. “Come on, Kosmo, let me up.”

Kosmo teleported off the bench and landed in front of Keith’s boots, looking up at him expectantly.

Getting up from the swing, Keith crouched down to Kosmo’s level. He ruffled his fur, and leaned in to plant a kiss atop his head.

“At least I’ve got you, bud,” Keith said, smiling. He allowed himself to give Kosmo’s head one last pet, before rising to his feet and stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Jerking his head for Kosmo to follow him, he turned and headed towards the main building. He’d had enough thinking for one day, he decided. He’d grab his stuff and go to the training deck to blow off some steam – even if the training bots here were child’s play compared to the ones on the castle ship, they were better than nothing. Kosmo followed dutifully at his heels. Keith wondered if there were any simulations that could involve his wolf.

Anything to keep his mind off Lance for a while.

***

“Hey, Keith!”

Keith glanced over as he was getting off his hover-bike to see Shiro coming over with a wave. He’d just finished taking a test run after making some modifications to the bike.

 _Ah, fuck._ Shiro was probably going to ask how he was, and if Keith tried to lie to him, he’d call bullshit. His brother somehow managed to see right through him every time.

Nevertheless, Keith forced a smile, and gave a nod in greeting. “Hey, Shiro.”

“What’ve you been up to these past few days?” he asked when he stopped in front of Keith. “We haven’t seen you at the apartment. You’ve been at your shack?”

Shiro’s tone was light, but Keith saw the way he was studying him worriedly.

Okay, Keith would admit that he had been trying to keep a distance from everyone. But this whole thing had just been getting to him a little too much. Ever since Lance had kissed him, he couldn’t stop thinking about everything he’d lost. Lance had been literally wiped from his mind to the point that Keith couldn’t even recognize him, let alone feel anything for him, a fact that seemed to be hitting Keith now harder than ever. Forgive Keith if that put him a little on edge.

Because of course the universe would decide to do this to him. The one time he falls in love, and he fucks up so truly and irrevocably, hurting himself and everyone involved.

Besides… if he couldn’t trust his own mind, what the fuck could he trust? Who’s to say that he wouldn’t wake up tomorrow and have no idea who Pidge was, or suddenly see Shiro as a stranger?

Really, Keith knew that this wasn’t possible. Hanahaki was a disease caused by _romantic_ love, after all. But that didn’t comfort Keith in the slightest.

After all, Keith had had no idea that a disease like _that_ had existed prior to contracting it. How did he know that there wasn’t anything that affected platonic or parental love in the same way? He’d already lost an entire family – it still caused a wrench in Keith’s heart when he remembered the kindness in Rosa’s eyes. How did he know that one day it wouldn’t be Shiro’s eyes he was looking into with the same unwavering emptiness?

In short, he didn’t. A thought that had really been fucking him up.

Admittedly, avoiding his friends probably wasn’t the best way to deal with this, but Keith couldn’t bring himself to face them.

The thing was, it wasn’t even like he was actively _trying_ to shut everyone out. Yesterday, when he’d seen messages and missed calls from Shiro, he’d been hit with the overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and just spill about everything on his mind. But his finger had hovered over the call button for a total of five seconds before his will had crumbled, and he was locking his phone and leaving it behind in a drawer in his old room at the shack.

After all, distancing himself had always been Keith’s way of coping with (read: running away from) his problems.

And so, Keith just shrugged. “Yeah, I’ve been doing some work on my bike, and a couple of things around the shack needed fixing, so…”

Shiro was definitely not convinced. He placed a tentative hand on Keith’s shoulder. 

“Come on, Coyote. You know you can tell me anything,” he prodded, and it was something that Shiro had said to him many, many times, but for some reason, hearing it now sent an inexplicable surge of anger through Keith.

“Yeah, Shiro, I know,” he said, trying to keep his voice level.

“Okay,” Shiro nodded slowly. “So if anything was really bothering you, you’d tell me when you were ready, wouldn’t you?”

Keith bit back a growl of annoyance. Instead, he looked away and shrugged Shiro’s hand off of his shoulder. “Listen, I don’t really have time for this right now, alright?”

Pulling his helmet on, he got back onto his hover-bike.

“Keith.”

Keith refused to look at his brother, knowing from his tone that he was giving Keith his Disappointed Dad Look™.

“I’m _fine_ , Shiro,” he insisted roughly, before revving the engine, forcing Shiro to back away. A stab of guilt flared through Keith’s gut, but he pushed it down.

“Keith! Come on!”

“Haha, sorry, I can’t hear you!” Keith called, gesturing to the bike. “This thing’s pretty loud, huh?”

“Keith, I thought you’d grown out of this kind of thing!”

“Never have, never will. Later!”

And with a two fingered salute, Keith drove away, leaving Shiro and all his emotional obligations in the dust.

***

The next day, for the first time, their friends didn’t all sit together at lunch.

Keith wasn’t quite sure how or why it had happened, but he knew it was his fault.

He’d come into the lunch hall and headed towards their normal table, but he’d stopped in his tracks when he saw that the only person sitting there was Lance. No-one else had arrived yet.

Lance looked… Keith was going to be honest. He didn’t look too hot. His short, chocolate brown curls seemed more tangled than usual, and his normally glowing bronze skin looked dull. His eyes were downcast, and he was poking at his food passively.

Seeing him there, Keith suddenly had a pit in his stomach. The other boy hadn’t noticed him yet. Discreetly, Keith glanced around to check if he could see any of his friends coming toward them. None of them were here yet.

Dread rose in Keith’s gut. He knew that he couldn’t go up there and sit next to Lance alone. That was the last thing they needed right now.

Keith turned abruptly. He spotted an empty table a little ways behind Lance, where he wouldn’t be able to see Keith, and quickly headed over there. He took his seat, deciding to wait there until some of his friends turned up. At least then, they would be able to rely on someone else to carry conversation.

He didn’t have to wait long. A few minutes later, Pidge arrived, taking a seat next to Lance and saying something in greeting. Lance perked up when he saw her, grinning and pulling her into a hug. To Keith’s surprise, Pidge didn’t protest when he ruffled her hair, only looking mildly disgruntled, and slightly fond. She began telling him about something, and Lance listened with a small smile.

As Pidge smirked, and made a comment on something, to which Lance gave a chuckle, Keith felt himself frown a little. He hadn’t realized Pidge and Lance were so close. They almost seemed like siblings – like her and Matt.

Despite himself, Keith’s thoughts soured a little. Pidge was one of _his_ best friends. Was she now closer to Lance than she was to him?

_He already has his own family. He’s got no right to mine._

The thought came unbidden, and immediately, Keith felt guilty. He clenched his fists. _Stop being selfish_. Lance had been friends with Pidge in the first place, the same as Keith. That kind of thinking was just stupid.

Even so, when Pidge flicked Lance playfully between the eyes and Lance seemed to recoil dramatically in response, Keith couldn’t bring himself to go and sit with them. He didn’t want to intrude, knowing that his presence would kill their good spirits.

Just as Keith was about to get up and leave, thinking it would be alright for him to miss lunch that day, he saw Romelle walk into the lunch room. She started making her way towards their normal seats, when she noticed Keith. She tilted her head to the side in confusion. Then, with a quick glance back at the others, she came over to where he was sitting.

“Hi, Keith!” she said, taking the seat opposite him. “Why were you sitting alone? Are you alright?”

Keith almost smiled. He’d always appreciated Romelle’s blunt manner. As it was, he raised a hand to rub at the back of his neck. He was surprised that Romelle had come to him. A small flower of warmth bloomed in his chest. She was a good friend.

Maybe he could just sit here with Romelle for today.

“Yeah, I’m good, Romelle, just wasn’t really feeling it today,” he assured her, “How’s everything going with you?”

Though she didn’t look convinced, Romelle didn’t try to push it. Instead, she took out her food from her bag. Keith remembered that he didn’t have his own lunch, since Adam usually kept Keith’s and Shiro’s. He supposed he’d just have to go without it today.

“Nothing new, much,” she replied. “Oh! Did you hear that Allura’s here?”

Keith raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Here? As in, at the Garrison? Is she going to…” he was about to ask if she’d be eating with them, but given the circumstances he’d created, he wasn’t sure he wanted to push the conversation in that direction.

“Yeah, she came back from New Altea to attend some meetings here, and then Coran is going to return with her when she goes back.” Romelle said. “I talked to her yesterday really briefly, but she said she’d be very busy today, so I doubt we’ll see much of her.”

That was interesting. Keith hadn’t seen Allura in a while. It would be really nice to catch up with her.

Romelle sighed, leaning her cheek on her palm. “I’m so excited to see her again. Do you think I should ask her to hang out?”

Keith smiled. Romelle’s massive crush on the princess was just about the worst kept secret at the Garrison. He was pretty sure even _Allura_ knew at this point.

“Yeah, sure, go for it,” Keith encouraged her. “You guys are already really close – I’m sure she’d love to spend some more time with you.” Because Keith honestly didn’t think that Romelle’s case was really that hopeless. He’d caught the occasional subtle glances and faint blush he’d seen Allura give her when she wasn’t paying attention.

As Romelle blushed, Keith suddenly noticed that Adam and Shiro had arrived, hand in hand. They had seen Keith and Romelle sitting separate from the others, and Keith saw them exchanging a troubled look, before, to his surprise, making their way over to him. A strange mixture of panic and hope churned in Keith’s stomach.

A quick glance over at their normal table told Keith that Matt had also arrived, noticed Keith as well, but decided to sit opposite Lance and his sister. He saw Matt glance furtively over at them, but by the looks of it he hadn’t brought their change in seating to the other two’s attention, instead distracting them with an animated story, complete with elaborate gestures and sound effects.

Shiro slid into the seat beside Keith whilst Adam sat opposite his fiancé.

“A little change in scenery?” Adam commented, taking out his, Keith’s and Shiro’s lunch and giving it to them.

Keith looked down, letting his hair cover his face, and took his container of food gingerly. He really hoped Adam would just drop it. Luckily for him, Shiro seemed to pick up on his mood, and Keith caught him shaking his head almost imperceptibly in warning at Adam. A mixture of gratitude and guilt churned in Keith’s stomach – his brother was still trying to protect him, even when Keith was completely ignoring him. Again, Keith felt the urge to reach out, even with a grateful glance, a small smile, but he couldn’t find the strength. Instead, he found himself focusing resolutely on his meal.

At some point, Hunk came in, saw everyone sitting separately, and his eyes widened in surprise. Then he quickly went to sit at Lance’s table, next to Matt. He said something to the rest of them, nodding in Keith’s direction.

Then, to Keith’s dismay, Lance and Pidge turned, and suddenly, everyone on their usual table was staring at Keith. He tried to pretend he didn’t notice them, but he saw the look of shock in Lance’s eyes before he was quickly turning around, body stiff. Pidge’s gaze lingered a little longer, one eyebrow raised, before she too turned back around.

And that was how they all ended up sitting on two separate tables to eat, their little group split right down the middle, for the first time since they’d returned to earth.

Keith mostly stayed quiet and ate his food while Shiro, Adam and Romelle discussed Allura’s visit. He hadn’t meant to split up their friends. He knew he’d just made things super awkward for all of them. He should have just left when he had the chance. Why had these three come to sit with him, anyway? If they had just gone to their normal table, Keith could have left, and his friends could have chalked it up to Keith being Keith.

Even so, a small, guilty part of Keith was glad that they were here. He hadn’t hung out with anyone properly in a while, and although he had been trying to take a step back, he found himself enjoying their company, despite the twist in his gut when he saw Lance shoot them another nervous glance.

He couldn’t help but wonder, though, where Allura would have sat if she had been there with them. He knew that she and Lance had dated before she left. Did that mean she would be more comfortable around him, or would she find it awkward to hang out with an ex? Then again, their breakup had apparently been the mutual, no-hard-feelings type. Not that Keith knew anything about relationships, never having been in one. Keith had caught on earlier that the reason they’d broken up had something to do with Lance’s feelings for him. He now wondered if Allura and Lance would ever get back together now, seeing as Keith was out of the picture. He didn’t know why the idea pissed him off so much.

(Definitely not because he felt like he was losing each of his friends one by one, powerless but to watch them slip away.)

Shaking his head to clear it, Keith tuned into the conversation that his friends were having.

“There’s just so much I don’t know about genuine Altean culture,” Romelle was saying. “And now that I’ve pretty much done all I can here, I was just thinking, there’s just so much for me to… Well… What I’m trying to say is…”

Romelle took a breath, looking a little nervous. Shiro nodded encouragingly.

“What I’m trying to say is,” she continued, “I’m thinking of going back to New Altea with Allura.”

The words hit Keith like a ton of bricks. He struggled to keep his expression neutral.

“What?” he managed to ask.

“Allura asked me if I wanted to,” Romelle explained. “And, uh… I said I would think about it. I actually think it might be really good for me, you know? I am Altean, after all, but now I have the chance to learn what that really means. There’s just so much I don’t know, so much I don’t understand, and this just feels like the right next step for me to take.”

Keith’s ears were beginning to ring. His fists were clenched so tightly that he was sure his knuckles were going white.

“There’s nothing much keeping me here, anyway,” Romelle shrugged. “What do you guys think?”

 _Nothing much keeping me here_. Keith had to stop himself from flinching. Was that really how Romelle felt?

 _Are you really so surprised?_ A more acrid, scathing side of Keith sneered. _Is it so shocking? After everything?_

All Keith’s life, it had been his cynical side that had kept him going, kept him alive. It was the voice that warned him when he cared too much, when he was in too deep, when he flew too close to a sun that threatened to scorch through the wax of his wings and leave him in tatters.

When had he stopped listening to that voice?

Just then, Kosmo teleported under the table, landing on Keith’s legs as he always did. Trembling with something he couldn’t place, Keith pried his fists open and buried his shaking fingers into his wolf’s thick, soft fur. He wasn’t sure how Kosmo had known to come here rather than the normal table, but Keith found himself thanking every deity he knew of that he had nonetheless. Kosmo’s warmth served to try and smooth Keith’s jagged edges, and when Kosmo nuzzled into him affectionately, it felt like the cool trickle of a stream washing over the fiery storm in his insides.

And yet, a stream was no match for a hurricane. The hot lump in Keith’s throat refused to melt. Keith hid his face behind his bangs, afraid that if his friends looked into his eyes, they’d be able to watch him splinter and crack.

He’d always known that what he’d had was too good to last. But, like the fool he was, Keith had ignored that feeling, pushing it to the darkest crevice of his mind, and convincing himself that he was safe, that his fear was irrational, a product of his rocky past that he’d get over with time.

But now, his fears were coming to life in the worst way possible. It seemed that piece by piece, this little home that Keith had constructed for himself out of the people he loved was cracking, breaking off and slipping away into places that Keith couldn’t follow. The tighter he clung on, the more desperately he tried to hold them into place, the more it crumbled and fractured, the more broken it became, the more pieces he lost.

Kosmo let out a low rumble, a sound that Keith knew was meant to be comforting, and Keith screwed his eyes shut, focusing for just a moment on tracing his fingers through Kosmo’s soft fur and feeling his body heat seep into him through his thick pelt. A warm, wet tongue lapped at his fingers, and Keith had the sudden, ridiculous urge to laugh. Maybe he was finally losing it.

He took a breath. Then another. And then he snuck Kosmo a little bit of his food.

“I haven’t made my decision yet,” Romelle was still saying, “I just wanted to mention it to you guys.” She glanced around.

Shiro smiled at her. “I think it’s a great idea, Romelle. Whatever decision you make, we’ll support you.”

Adam nodded in agreement. As Romelle looked to Keith, Shiro reached out under the table and gave Keith’s forearm a reassuring squeeze. The gesture grounded him a little. A little shakily, he managed to offer Romelle a nod and a smile too, hoping she wouldn’t expect anything else from him.

Luckily, she only smiled back, before returning to her meal, and asking Adam about the new project he’d been working on. As his friends began a new discussion, Keith tried to stay in the moment. _Patience yields focus_ , he told himself.

He could now feel the sting of little red crescent-shaped marks on his palms where his fingernails had dug in. He flexed his hands a little, wincing. Noticing this, Kosmo pressed his nose into Keith’s palm, lapping at the marks as if he were trying to soothe them. Keith’s heart melted.

 _If anyone ever tries to hurt you_ , he told Kosmo internally, _I will personally fling them into the sun_.

Beside him, Keith could feel Shiro sending him worried glances, and the guilt in the pit of his stomach only grew. Yet, he didn’t meet his brother’s eyes. He couldn’t.

“Um, Paladin Kogane?”

Keith looked up. It was a cadet – probably the same age that Keith had been when he first joined the Garrison. The cadet hovered nervously beside the table, hands fidgeting, before giving a belated and hurried salute.

“Yeah?” Keith replied, putting down his fork. He sat up, trying to look professional. Adam snorted quietly at his attempt.

“I was told by Queen Allura to, uh, tell you to come meet her in meeting room three,” she told him with a slight stutter.

Keith blinked in surprise, glancing at his friends. “Just me?” he asked.

“Yes– um, well, you and Paladin Sanchez-McClain,” the cadet said, rubbing at the back of her neck.

Keith stiffened. “Oh. Uh, right now?”

“Yes, Paladin sir.”

Keith sighed and looked down at his food. He’d barely touched it, but he didn’t have much of an appetite anyway.

“Alright. Thanks for letting me know,” he said. The cadet nodded, and she saluted once more. “Uh, you can go now. You’re… dismissed.” Was that what he was supposed to say? Keith really didn’t know how to deal with the respect he was given at the Garrison as the red Paladin.

Apparently, it seemed to work for the cadet, who left quickly.

“Allura wants to see you and Lance?” Romelle said. “I wonder what that’s about. It could be something to do with the memory thing, don’t you think?” And there she went again, ploughing straight into sensitive topics that most of his friends would skirt around anxiously. It was so refreshingly _Romelle_ that Keith had to smile.

Keith nodded as he closed his food container. “Maybe, Romelle. I’d better go find out.” He stood. “Thanks for the lunch, Adam. It was great, as always.” Kosmo had teleported off to wherever he went when he wasn’t with Keith. Keith would have felt a little better if he’d stayed, but he probably had things to do other than follow Keith all day.

“Wait, Keith –” Shiro started, reaching for his arm.

“I gotta go,” Keith cut in, turning to leave without a second glance.

As he went, he noticed the same cadet as before standing by their usual table, talking to Lance. He wondered if, when he and Lance left, their friends would go back to sit together again. He wondered if they would talk about them while they were gone.

Whatever. Keith was tired of thinking about this already. He’d better go and see what it was that Allura wanted.

Keith didn’t see many people on the way to the meeting room, since everyone was having their lunch break. He was grateful for the quiet while he thought about why Allura might want to see them.

He hoped this wasn’t her ambushing him and Lance for a forced therapy session where they would have to talk out their feelings. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d tried to force him into such a thing. Then again, he wasn’t sure if the princess was even aware of the whole memory loss situation they were facing. After all, she’d apparently just arrived here recently. He didn’t know if anyone had taken it upon themselves to inform her of current events. She may have called them to her for something entirely unrelated.

Keith arrived at meeting room three, and when he went in, he saw Allura sitting near the window, watching the sky. She looked up when he entered, and her face broke into a smile.

“Keith, it’s so good to see you,” she greeted. She stood and met him in the middle of the room for a hug.

“It’s great to see you too, Allura,” Keith answered, accepting her hug gladly. “How are things on New Altea?”

“Oh, everything’s going great,” Allura assured him as they parted. “But let’s not get caught up with all that. Where’s Lance?”

“Uh… He’s coming,” Keith said, rubbing the back of his neck. Even after all this time of getting used to the idea, it was jarring to hear her speak so familiarly about Lance. “Do you know about…?”

“Yes,” Allura replied, giving him a somber look. “I’m terribly sorry, Keith. I can’t imagine how hard this must be on the two of you.”

 _No, you can’t_ , Keith bit back his instinctive response. The idea of Allura knowing about Lance, and knowing Lance just as well as she knew Keith, was almost too much for him to deal with.

Instead of dwelling on it, he changed the subject.

“So, what is it you wanted to talk to us about?”

Allura pursed her lips. “Let’s wait for him to arrive. This… this is for the both of you to hear.”

***

Lance was a complete mess.

Which wasn’t exactly new. But, like, more of a mess than usual.

His conversation with Allura had helped a lot with his mental state. It had been nice to be able to talk to her again after so long. He was glad that their brief romance and subsequent breakup hadn’t affected their friendship, because it would have been very hard for him to lose her as a friend. They had talked about all kinds of stuff yesterday, ranging from her diplomatic dilemmas, to her wish for Romelle to join her on New Altea, a topic that prompted a little bit of blushing from Allura and much teasing from Lance.

So, he had been _fine_. Relatively. Until this morning, when he’d decided to come back into work, and had been slapped in the face by the whole situation at lunch.

He almost felt like laughing. This was like middle school drama, all over again. So they didn’t _sit together at lunch_. So what? It wasn’t exactly the end of the fucking world.

Except, it kind of was. At least, to Lance it was. Call him a dramatic bitch, but they _always_ sat together, no matter what. Even when Adam and Shiro had had that massive fight that had almost caused a nasty breakup. Even when Romelle and Matt had been in a very awkward situation due to some oblivious flirting on Matt’s part. Even when Pidge and Hunk had had an argument over his cookies that had escalated and ended up with a broken robot and Hunk’s eyebrows being singed off. Nothing had ever affected them as a group so severely.

So yeah, seeing literally half of his friends sitting on a separate table had been an unexpected punch to the gut for Lance.

“Oh, man,” Hunk was whispering nervously, as if Keith might be able to hear them sitting a table away in the middle of the lunch rush hour, when they could barely hear themselves for all the people around them. “Did you two have another fight or something?”

“They can’t hear us, Hunk, you don’t have to whisper,” Pidge told him frankly, patting his arm reassuringly.

“Oh, right,” Hunk said, relaxing a little. That was a good thing about Pidge and Hunk’s friendship – her blunt, logical attitude served as a very good way to diffuse and soothe a lot of Hunk’s anxiety and bring him down to earth. On the other hand, her habit of saying things as she saw them could sometimes make him panic in life or death situations.

“Hey, I’m sure it’s nothing, buddy,” Lance said, poking at his food. “Maybe Keith just wasn’t feeling it today.”

“Uh huh, and Shiro, Adam and Romelle just _weren’t feeling it_ either?” Hunk countered. “Seriously, did something happen?”

“I’m guessing,” Pidge suggested, “that this has something to do with whatever happened when he went to that dinner with you and your family on Friday?”

Lance choked, and Hunk and Matt looked to him in shock. “What?! He came to _dinner_ with your _family_?”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Lance hissed. Of fucking course Keith had gone and told Pidge about that, because when had Keith ever made things easy for him?

“Uh, yes it was,” Pidge countered. “I know something big happened, and Keith won’t tell me what.”

“ _Dude_ ,” Hunk said emphatically, “Why didn’t you tell me? What the hell happened?”

Lance sighed, covering his face with his hands. “It went badly, is all you need to know. Can we just drop this now?”

Hunk looked like he was about to protest, but they were interrupted by a small, nervous voice.

“P-paladin Sanchez-McClain?”

It was a cadet – a freshman, it seemed. She gave a nervous salute where she stood next to their table.

“Oh – hey. At ease, cadet.” She stopped saluting and stood to attention. “Uh, you can call me Lance if you like,” he assured her with a smile. “Or Paladin Lance – whichever you prefer. What is it?”

The cadet seemed to relax at his easy attitude. “Um, Queen Allura asks for you to meet her and Paladin Kogane in meeting room three.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Allura? Did she just ask for me and Keith?” He couldn’t stop himself from glancing back at the table where Keith had been sitting, and sure enough, Keith had already gone, and the remaining three seemed to be talking in a hushed manner among themselves.

“Yes, sir,” the cadet nodded promptly.

“Oh…” Lance looked down at his unfinished meal, and found that he didn’t have much of an appetite anyway. He put his food away and stood.

“Thanks, uh – what’s your name, cadet?” he asked.

The cadet looked surprised that he would ask. “Lakshmi Desai, sir.”

“Well, thank you for delivering the message, Lakshmi. I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you with your superiors,” Lance told her with a smile. “You can go now.”

Lakshmi nodded, wide-eyed, before she saluted quickly and scurried off. She was a good kid, Lance thought, just in need of a little more confidence. She reminded him, in a way, of a younger Hunk. He hoped she would find someone to bring her out of shell, like Lance had done for Hunk when they were kids, although he hoped they wouldn’t get up to all the shenanigans he and Hunk had – it did not pay to get on Iverson’s bad side.

And yes, Lance was pointedly distracting himself from thinking about the actual message Lakshmi had brought him. He should probably stop doing that.

With a deep sigh, Lance turned to his friends. He had no idea what Allura was planning, but he knew it couldn’t be good. Although, he felt so dead today, he couldn’t really muster up the dread he should be feeling. The worst she could do was try and force them to talk, and Lance had already resigned himself to that happening at some point.

“Ok, so… I guess I’ll see you guys later.” Lance paused for a second, but his friends just looked at him, as if they couldn’t figure out what to say, or whether they should be the one to say it. So Lance turned and left, making the decision easier for them.

He barely remembered the walk to the meeting room. He couldn’t tell you who he saw on the way, or how long it took to get there. He almost felt like he was sleepwalking through his life, seeing everything but not experiencing it. And yes, that was a slightly dramatic analogy, but Lance was a more-than-slightly dramatic person. And to be fair, it was pretty accurate with how little sleep he was running on.

When he finally reached the meeting room, he was unsurprised to find Allura and Keith already there. They turned when they heard Lance enter.

“Lance,” Allura smiled, coming over. She gave him a hug, which he found himself appreciating more than usual in his miserable state.

“Hey, Princess,” he smiled. For some reason, he saw Keith clench his fists at that. Lance would have questioned it, if the missing dread from earlier hadn’t suddenly caught up with him. He was apprehensive to even make eye contact with the other boy. The fact that they were in the same room as each other right now almost felt like a ticking time bomb. Instead of dwelling on that, Lance focused on Allura. “What’s this all about?”

Allura seemed to swallow slightly at that. Taking a breath, she stepped back from him and jerked her head to direct him to come further into the room and stand closer to Keith so that she could address the both of them. Reluctantly, Lance obliged, hyper aware of every movement Keith made beside him and the tension like static electricity lacing the air between them.

“As the two of you know,” Allura began, “I’m aware of the situation between you two. The disease, the memory erasure, loss of feelings, the strain to your friendship…”

 _Strain_ was an understatement, Lance thought bitterly, chancing a glance at Keith. He was studying his boots with apparent disinterest, but Lance knew better. With the tilt of his head, Keith hid himself partially behind his bangs – a physical barrier between him and them. Although, if Keith had realized that Lance noticed that, it would probably only fuel his turmoil.

Then, Allura’s eyes seemed to glint, and gained a certain determined shine, the kind of determination she always showed when she’d made a decision – when she wasn’t going to back down, or give up without a fight.

“The two of you are some of the most important people in my life,” she told them. “And I’m not going to stand by and let this happen now that I know for sure that I can do something about it.”

Barely able to hold back a scoff, Lance frowned. So she was going to force them to talk things out, after all. Lance would have thought, with their conversation over the weekend, she would already have realized that this wasn’t going to work at all, but he resigned himself to what would probably be another bout of emotional torture.

So, all in all, Lance definitely wasn’t expecting Allura’s next words.

“I may know a way to bring Keith’s memories back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me in this chapter was just: *projects on Lance* *projects on Keith* *projects on Lance* *projects on Keith*
> 
> Anyway does anyone else think that Allura and Lance’s height difference was pretty exaggerated in season 8? Like, he was never so much taller than her before. Maybe he grew a few inches in space or something – or she was making herself shorter for some reason? Idk but it’s weird to think about. 
> 
> So, what do you guys think of this week’s chapter? I hope the cliffhanger isn’t too bad, but you know how it is. At least it’s sort of positive!
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me your thoughts xxx
> 
> [My tumblr](https://kosmo-mckogane.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, I figure that went down differently in your head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally put off editing this chapter to the very last minute bc my adhd decided to fuck me over. It’s good that I have a deadline that everyone knows about because if I have the pressure to get it done, I’m 38736 times more likely to actually get it done.
> 
> Enjoy this one, guys xxx

It took Lance a moment to process what Allura had just said.

“I’m sorry– what?

Had he heard her right? He glanced at Keith, whose mouth had gone slack with shock.

“I think I can restore Keith’s memory,” Allura repeated. “I’m not entirely sure the results will be successful, but there’s an Altean alchemic technique that my mother once used – I’m almost certain that this is your best bet.”

For a moment, the silence was deafening.

“How long,” Keith finally said incredulously, “have you known about this?”

“I’ve been thinking about it as a possibility for a while,” Allura admitted. She turned to Lance, her gaze apologetic. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when we spoke, I just didn’t have enough information about the concept to know whether or not it was truly possible. Besides, I wanted to have you both here when I told you.”

“That’s– It’s fine, Princess,” Lance managed to assure her. “Just…” He shook his head and gestured for her to go on.

“It’s a method usually used to treat memory loss,” she explained. “The experience will be similar to what Keith and Krolia underwent on the space whale. It essentially involves using the memories of another, who shares a past with the person in question, as a key to trigger those same memories in their own mind. Which is why I believe it will be especially effective in this situation, seeing as all of Keith’s lost memories are tied to you.”

It was clear that Allura had started off trying to undersell the technique – much like a doctor often tries not to give the family of a patient false hope – but as she went on, her passion and faith managed to worm its way into her tone. She truly believed that this would work.

Lance blinked. He tried to open his mouth to respond, but no words came out. 

Then, suddenly, everything that Allura had said seemed to catch up to him, hitting him with such force that he almost doubled over.

_Holy shit_.

“Holy shit,” Lance whispered out loud.

It was like the floodgates had opened in Lance’s chest. The sudden freshness that gushed through him spread to his core, so strong that he found himself trembling with it. 

“Keith,” he breathed. “We can _fix_ this. We can get everything back.”

Keith turned to look at him, deep violet eyes meeting his own. Lance stumbled forward and grasped Keith’s hands in his. “We can get _us_ back.”

Something seemed to flicker behind Keith’s eyes. His expression was unreadable.

After weeks of emptiness, a tiny flower of _something_ seemed to be blooming in Lance’s chest – something that felt a lot like _hope_. The one thing that Lance had stopped allowing himself to feel these past weeks, that he had guarded himself against with the thickest of armor, never letting a glimpse of it play on even the edges of his thoughts. But now, he found it seeping through the cracks and chinks of that armor until it fell away in plates, and Lance was left bare to refract the rays of its deepest dreams.

There was actually a possibility that they’d be able to _fix_ this.

But everything seemed to shatter when Keith ripped his hands from Lance’s grasp.

He backed away, tilting his head to let his bangs fall in his eyes, before turning on his heel and marching straight out of the room without a word.

Lance choked out a sound that could reassemble Keith’s name, but he was too late. The door was sliding shut behind him.

For a moment, Lance stood still. There wasn’t a sound but the steady tick of the clock on the wall.

Then, slowly, he turned to Allura, gave a shaky smile, and said, “So, I figure that went down differently in your head.”

***

Keith didn’t know why he felt like this.

Like the dark puddle of _something_ that had been festering in his stomach had suddenly surged and grown into an ocean, its waves crashing against his walls, fissures etching their way down his sides.

It wasn’t anger. It wasn’t misery.

But it was overwhelming, stifling, and Keith knew that he had to get some space before it started getting hard for him to breathe.

On autopilot, he’d found himself heading straight outside. Luckily for him, no-one was around to question him, the halls silent and empty, and he made a beeline for a secluded area behind a building where he used to go to take naps when he was younger, where he knew nobody would look for him.

So there he was. Sitting on the bench and letting his mind race and his fists clench, nails biting into his palms, feeling too much and too little and wanting nothing more than to hide until there was nothing left to hide from.

The fresh air helped, but only a little. It allowed him to breathe, gave him space so he didn’t feel suffocated. At the same time, it made him feel more open. More vulnerable. He’d been laid bare for the universe to see and judge, yet he was alone. He’d been left behind, or pushed away everyone close to him, and now it was just him, Keith Kogane, under a sky of a million stars. Although, it was still daylight, so even the stars were invisible.

It was funny. As a kid, he’d always looked up at the stars with a deep seated kind of yearning. One that called out to the very fiber of his bones, one that told him, _Come. Be with us. You’ll never be lonely again._

And Keith, the naïve child he’d been, had believed it. He’d _wanted_ it. God, with all his little heart, he’d wanted it. He’d known he had no home on Earth. No family, no place to call his, nowhere he could _stay_. Somehow, he’d believed that in the vastness of space, he’d be free. Often, when reality got too much for Keith, he’d close his eyes and create this little bubble for himself, where he was light-years away, and the scorn of his teachers, peers and foster carers couldn’t touch him. He could fly with the stars and though he’d be alone, he wouldn’t be lonely. He couldn’t. In his daydreams, loneliness was a backwards, earthen thing that he’d leave behind when his boots left the sand.

Oh, how wrong he’d been. The dream never really did live up to the reality, after all. When Keith had first gotten to space, he’d been awestruck. He was finally living the fantasy he’d built for himself all those years ago. Yet, after the initial reverence had worn off, Keith had realized that being among the stars didn’t change his nature. He didn’t suddenly become complacent and content with everything he had, like some kind of monk or saint. Despite everything, Keith still wanted.

It turned out, in the vastness of space, loneliness was only more poignant.

Keith had known he was missing something. Terribly. His longing gnawed at a pit in his stomach, pulling at an ache in his bones that weighed him down wherever he went. The only thing was, Keith wasn’t sure exactly _what_ he was missing.

The other paladins had their families. They’d had their _homes_. He knew that they missed Earth, that it was their something to fight for. Keith didn’t have that. The only reason he was here in the first place was because he’d wanted to keep Shiro safe. Other than that, he had nothing to keep him going, to keep him fighting, except sheer stubbornness and determination.

And then, suddenly, he did. He didn’t know how, or when, or why, but somewhere along the way, Keith had started to care. He’d tuck a blanket over Pidge when she fell asleep coding in the lounge. He’d listen with a smile and a nod when Coran told stories about Altea, even when he couldn’t follow for the life of him. He’d offer a hair tie for Hunk to fiddle with when his anxiety got too much for him, and later find himself keeping an eye out for anything like a stim toy on alien planets they visited. He’d accept Allura’s every invitation to spar, even if it meant getting his ass repeatedly handed to him, because he knew it was a good source of stress relief for her.

For the first time in so long, Keith was filled with _love_. Love for his teammates, his friends. And he’d been stupid enough to think that this time it would be different. That, unlike every other time he’d let himself get attached, this time, nothing would tear that apart.

And now, it had started to happen. Because of something Keith couldn’t even _remember_. Keith had tried playing it nice, okay? He’d really tried. And where had that landed him? In a pile of shit, that’s where. Keith’s patience was wearing thin. Since when was he dictated by some boy who’d crash landed into his life and single-handedly ruined everything?

They expected Keith to partake in some weird Altean ritual that would mess with the quintessence in his brain or some shit, to retrieve memories that Keith never even remembered having. He at least deserved some time to process this, didn’t he? Allura hadn’t even _been_ here to watch all this happening. Why did she get to suddenly swoop in like some kind of fucking guardian angel and just _fix_ everything? Fix _Keith_?

But then, Keith’s thoughts were suddenly stopped in their tracks when he was interrupted by a voice that he recognized, yet which was almost as alien to him as all those planets light-years away that he’d visited once and never thought to return to.

“You don’t look too good.”

***

For the millionth time these past few weeks, Lance found himself in yet another ridiculously complicated situation. Or maybe it was all just the same situation with extra complications. All Lance knew was, he was on the verge of breaking down once again. He had taken a seat in one of the chairs that lined the walls next to the window of the meeting room, and was struggling to process what had just happened.

Why would Keith run out like that? Didn’t he… want to fix this? Just when Lance was starting to try and accept that this was the way things were going to be from now on, Allura was giving them another chance. So why did Keith want to let it slip through their fingers? Was Lance missing something here? He wondered with vague dread if he, once again, had overlooked Keith and forgotten to take his feelings into account, like he had done to start this whole mess.

Sitting next to Lance, Allura offered him some water, which he took gratefully, downing half the bottle in one go.

“Thanks, Princess,” he said. It was funny how they still called her that, he thought, even though she was now Queen of New Altea. When they had first tried to correct themselves, Allura told them that it was alright. She liked having the reminder of who she had been on her home planet those ten thousand years ago, of who she still was deep down. It made her feel like there were people that still remembered the old Altea, and who still knew her for who she was. Although she did love the job of being Queen Allura, the title felt a little too formal to use with her immediate friends and family. So, the nickname stuck.

“Ah, I shouldn’t have dumped this on you all at once,” Allura said sheepishly. “Maybe now was just a bad time. Perhaps I should have told you separately. Or maybe called you about it. Or, uh, sent an email...”

Lance huffed out a laugh. “Nah, you’re alright, ‘Llura,” he assured her, “Really, I –”

He then turned to look at Allura, who was tugging at a lock of her hair.

“The last thing you should be is guilty,” he told her. “I can’t believe… It’s amazing that you’re offering this to us. Really.”

“Lance…” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “Of course I’m doing this for you. I have my chance at the future I always wanted. I want you to have that too. And…”

She looked away. “I know that this is affecting Keith, too. A lot more than he tries to let on. He’s still, well, he’s still _Keith_ , but… There’s something missing. Something really important, and he knows it, but he has no control over it, and that’s driving him crazy. His whole life has been turned upside down, and he feels he’s slipping. Beginning to lose everything he has. And that… That’s scaring him.” She paused to sigh, and shake her head, before continuing. 

“Enemies in battle? Keith will charge at them full force, no hesitation. But with feelings, emotions, relationships…” she shook her head. “He doesn’t know how to deal with all that. So he runs.”

Lance sniffed, wiping at his nose. “It always pisses me off,” he confessed wetly, “Because once you get him to think about it, to talk about it – he gets it pretty quickly. He’s actually _good_ at articulating his feelings, it’s just _impossible_ to get him to do it.”

Allura nodded. “The only people who were really able to get him to open up were…” she glanced at him. “You and Shiro.” Lance’s throat tightened.

“And I don’t think he’s been letting Shiro in,” he said, slumping in his seat. Rubbing a hand over his face, Lance remembered the worried glances Shiro had kept sending them, and the way Keith had kept flinching away from his brother’s gaze, avoiding eye contact. “He’s been running away. Again."

They sat in silence for a moment, mulling this over. Then, unexpectedly, Lance cracked a smile.

“Heh, imagine if Keith heard us right now, psychoanalyzing him like therapists,” he snorted. “He’d be so pissed off.”

“Oh yeah,” Allura joked, then she crossed her arms and put on a scowl, deepening her voice in an exaggerated imitation of Keith. “ _Excuse me, my emotional constipation is no-one’s business but my own. How dare you acknowledge that I experience feelings? I have 37 knives hidden in my mullet, don’t quiznak with me!_ ”

Lance let out a laugh – the giddy, ridiculous kind. It felt good to laugh like that, despite the situation they were in. Maybe _because_ of the situation they were in.

“Yeah – his walls would go up real fast,” Lance said through chortles, “You know, the ones where his face gets all stony? The ones that are like so thick, Shiro’s thighs start taking notes?"

Allura choked on air, and they both leaned on each other as they giggled like obnoxious pre-teens. Despite being literally royalty, Allura was one of the only people who appreciated, and even shared, Lance’s stupid sense of humor.

“Aw, Allura,” Lance said when they died down, “I am _so_ glad you’re here.”

She grinned in return, cheeks flushed from laughter. “And I’m glad to be here.”

Lance gave her a sincere smile. “No, really, Allura. Thank you for being there for us. For looking out for us.”

With a sheepish smile, Allura tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Really, Lance. You know I’d do anything for my loved ones.”

“Aww, I love you too, Princess,” Lance replied, grinning. Then he paused. “Uh, you meant that in a strictly no-hetero kind of way, right? Because if not, oh man, this is _super_ awkward –”

“Oh, shut up, Lance, you know what I meant,” Allura cut him off, punching his arm.

“Hey, come on, no violence!” Lance protested.

“That was my rule, meaning I’m allowed to break it,” Allura told him frankly. “And don’t be such a baby.”

Lance pouted, nursing his probably-not-actually-bruised arm. “Hey, you know I’m weak and fragile! I’m gonna tell Shiro!”

“Shiro has no control over me, and you know it.”

Lance did know that. Shiro was very aware of the fact that the princess could very easily toss him across the room like a ragdoll, and it was for this reason that a single look from Allura could get him to back away nervously. 

And so Lance’s pout deepened. As Allura laughed at him, Lance pondered on how much easier it was to talk with her now that they weren’t dating. When he spoke to her, it felt very much like he was with a sister, like Veronica. It was so much simpler without the added weight of romance, of wondering what he should be saying or doing, or awkward attempts at being intimate which ended up just making him overthink and feel insecure – like he was doing something wrong.

Either way, talking to her now was doing a good job at taking his mind off of what was going on right now.

When Lance considered it, he knew Keith. He should have seen this coming, honestly. It was surprising that something like this hadn’t happened earlier. And Lance knew that now, Keith faced a choice. A very difficult one at that.

On the other hand, Lance had no idea what Keith would choose. 

***

“You don’t look too good.”

Flinching in shock, Keith looked up to see Krolia – his mom – gazing down at him. He had no idea how she’d known he was here, or how he hadn’t noticed her coming up to him.

Standing before him, she was trying for a smile, but her eyes gave away her concern – her brows were furrowed in the same way that Keith’s did when he was worried or confused. Her head was tilted ever so slightly to the side, and with the way her the light hit her dark eyes and her bangs fell over her face, Keith suddenly saw with glaring clarity why everyone said they looked alike. When he looked past her lilac skin, purple hair and Galra markings, they were almost the same.

She looked just like him. For some reason, it made Keith want to flinch away.

Maybe because he felt too much like he was looking in a distorted mirror. Features just like his, save for their femininity, toughened by war and hardship. Worry lines and calluses. Faded scars and tired eyes. She was a vessel that had been thoroughly lived in, a blunt picture of the life she’d experienced.

Her dreams. Her battles. Her joy. Her suffering.

Her loneliness. 

Keith’s throat tightened. His eyes stung.

“Mom,” he managed to croak. He turned away as the tears spilled over, scrubbing furiously at his eyes.

Krolia’s brows raised in alarm, and she quickly sat down next to him, cupping his face in her hand tentatively. Then, she pulled him into a hug. Keith was surprised at first, but carefully, he hugged her back. He and his mom didn’t hug very often, but she was obviously attempting to comfort him, which Keith appreciated. He breathed in her scent – it was one that Keith was familiar with, after having known her for a few years now, but he still had to force himself to relax in its presence. It was something spicy and strong that he couldn’t quite identify, almost bitter to the taste – Keith was sure it was something Galra.

Gently, she began to run her fingers through his hair, tracing shapes with her fingertips. “Keith,” she said. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

It was the first time Keith had seen her in weeks. He should be glad. Ecstatic, even. Wasn’t this what he’d always wished for? Since he was a kid, he’d known that a mother’s love was seen as something irreplaceable, and that a hug from your mom was supposed to be the safest, warmest feeling in the world. It was one of his main sources of the spiteful bitterness he’d carried with him after his father had died, seeing other children run and hug their moms after school and hold their hands while the most he would get was a cold, professional smile and overly patronizing voice telling him some bullshit he could probably already guess.

(It was also why so many of his foster workers had ended up with bite marks and bruised shins.)

Distantly, some part of him thought it felt sort of… Wrong. Foreign, unfamiliar. Like there was _something_ missing. But he pushed that thought aside and told himself that this was what he needed. This was what home _should_ feel like.

“Shiro told me what’s been going on with you,” Krolia confessed, and Keith wanted to be mad at his brother for this, but he just couldn’t find the energy. If anything, he felt terrible for making Shiro worry so much.

The thing was, he knew that he _wanted_ to talk to Shiro. With every frown, every furrow of the brow, every worried glance, Keith crumbled with the need to reach out, to say _something_. But every time, his instincts got the better of him, and he found himself throwing up walls he didn’t even know he still had.

Keith was struggling to open up. He felt like he was going backwards – these were problems he thought he’d overcome in his late teens. It’d been so long since he’d genuinely had trouble communicating with Shiro. He’d learned a long time ago that he had nothing to fear from being open with his brother.

Being open with his mother, however… somehow, he felt like he had everything to fear from that. Nevertheless, he tried. Maybe it would be good practice. 

“Allura found a cure,” he told her, “Some magic Altean bullshit. She says she can bring the memories back, if… if I still want them.” Except, Allura hadn’t exactly spoken as if it were a choice. It was as if it went unquestioned that he’d obviously want to do it. But, as irrational as he was starting to sound, what if he didn’t?

“But…” he tried to continue, but the words choked themselves. He couldn’t bring himself to articulate any of his thoughts in front of Krolia, which was fucking weird, since she was his _mom_. She was the one he was supposed to come to with his problems, the person he could tell anything. But, like everything in Keith’s life, it was a little more complicated than that.

Exhaling, Keith turned his head to the side. He didn’t even know why this was all hitting him all of a sudden, why he was having such an unreasonable aversion to complying. They had a chance to _fix_ everything. To undo what Keith had done. They could finally be happy.

So why was he so… scared?

Because that’s what this was. There was no use denying it to himself anymore. Keith was afraid.

He was afraid of… he didn’t know. The idea that he wasn’t exactly himself right now, he supposed. What would change when he got his memories back? Who would he become?

Maybe there was a reason Keith’s past self had done what he did. Keith didn’t fucking know. Everyone was telling him what he was supposed to be feeling, what he was _supposed_ to do, but really, Keith had no idea what he would have wanted, because the Keith from the past – the one Lance knew – wasn’t him.

Except, it _was_ him. So maybe this was his decision to make. 

Either way, Keith had no idea how to voice any of this to Krolia.

She seemed to understand his reluctance to speak. She withdrew a little, but kept her hand on his arm.

“Look,” she said, “I’m not too good at this sort of stuff… You need to talk to Shiro. He’s the person who can really help you work through this.” Keith had a feeling that, seeing as his mom was as emotionally constipated as he was, this was just about the best advice she could give him. “But… Keith, can I tell you something?”

Keith looked at her in question.

“A few weeks ago, you would have taken on the entire universe for that boy,” she said.

Keith flinched, but Krolia went on. “Back then, if you’d known this was going to happen, you would have torn apart space and time to set it right. You wouldn’t have given a shit if you had to go through hell and back, as long as he was okay. And do you know why, Keith?”

She paused, her jaw set and her gaze intense.

“Because that’s what you do when you love someone. That’s what you do for your _family_.”

She slipped her hand into his. “Think about it. If you ever forgot Shiro, you would want yourself to do _anything_ it took to get those memories back, right? Or if you forgot Adam, Pidge, Hunk, Coran, Romelle, Allura. Because they’re your _family_. You may not remember Lance, but he’s a part of your family, too. And that means _everything_.”

Keith’s lower lip wobbled, and he felt a lump rising in his throat. She was right. Nothing was more important to Keith than his family. And despite everything, Keith could admit that he’d do _anything_ , whatever it took to keep them with him – to make sure that this time, they didn’t have to leave him. He didn’t _want_ to be alone. Even if it meant he had to dig his nails in and _cling_ until his hands were raw and scraped to the bone, Keith wouldn’t let go. He was tired of running. This time, Keith wanted to _stay_.

And if what Allura proposed was the only way he could do that, then, well, he _had_ to at least think about doing it. Deep down, he already had a feeling about what decision he would make.

When Krolia wrapped an arm around his shoulders, Keith let himself lean into her, embracing the warmth of another person.

“Promise me you’ll talk to Shiro today?” she asked. Keith immediately nodded, pressing his face into her shoulder. She cupped the back of his neck protectively, and for a moment, Keith was a kid again, sad, frustrated, broken, but _loved_.

“I’m so proud of you, Keith,” she whispered. “You’re incredibly brave to have come this far.”

The words triggered something in Keith, and he almost choked on the lump in his throat. He closed his eyes for a minute and just allowed himself to breathe.

Then Krolia was pulling away, briefly running her fingers through his hair, and he was suddenly, achingly reminded of playful hair ruffles that he’d hated as a young teen, when he’d scowled and glared up at the handsome, chiseled face that everybody his age had worshiped, warm, brown eyes framed with perfect eyeliner, and a smile that, despite Keith’s prickles and rough edges, never lost its kindness, its patience, its love.

And there, looking up and the woman who was supposed to be his mother, Keith realized he knew exactly what he was missing.

“I’m going to go and tell the Garrison I’m here, okay?” Krolia said. Keith smiled. Of course she’d just immediately came to find him upon arriving here instead of signing in. When Keith nodded, she continued, “Right. So… I’ll let you have your time. Uh. See you later, Keith.”

A little awkwardly, she gave his hand a squeeze. Keith almost laughed at how out of her depth she seemed – she was a lot like him. He was impressed enough that she’d managed to bullshit her way through trying to emotionally support her adult son that she’d only known for like a couple years.

Then, she got up.

“Can you get Shiro?” Keith blurted just as she was about to leave. She turned to look at him, surprised. He stammered, “I mean, can you– if you see him, can you– would you tell him that I want to talk?”

Krolia blinked, then smiled and nodded. “Of course I will.”

Then, her face gained an expression of stony determination, and she brought her fingers to her mouth to give a sudden, shrill whistle. Instantly, a flash of light ripped through the air and Kosmo appeared in front of her, and _holy shit_ she had to teach Keith how to do that, because up until now, Keith had been stuck thinking that bitch just turned up whenever the fuck he wanted. Before Keith could even react, his mom was placing a hand on the wolf’s fur and they were disappearing in another blue flash.

And then it was just Keith, alone under a sky of stars that only he could see.

***

As time went by, most of Lance’s friends had come to join them in meeting room three – Hunk, Pidge, Romelle, Matt, and Adam – and they were all filled in on the situation.

Krolia had come by earlier to tell Lance that her son would make his choice by the end of the day. Lance had asked if she’d talked to Keith. She’d turned to him and said, “Yes, I did. But it wasn’t me he needed to talk to.” And then she’d teleported away with Kosmo, offering no explanation of her cryptic statement.

Well, if Lance had ever had any doubts that she and Keith were related, they had certainly been purged now.

Luckily, when Adam had arrived, he’d explained to them that Keith was with Shiro. Upon hearing that, Lance was filled with an immense, immeasurable kind of relief. He exchanged a smile with Allura that conveyed as much.

“So someone’s finally gonna rope our resident mullet into some well needed therapy,” Lance grinned. “Well, it’s about fucking time.”

“Oh, man,” Adam laughed, “That reminds me of this one time we tried to get Keith to go to the Garrison’s grief counsellor – she dropped him pretty much immediately. When we asked why, she showed us the fucking _bite mark_ on her arm.”

“ _Jesus_ ,” Hunk hissed, rubbing his own arm in sympathy as Pidge cackled wildly.

“That boy is _feral_ ,” Romelle commented.

“Yeah, he is,” Lance sighed. “I hope he hasn’t bitten Shiro yet.”

“Oh, we’ve already been there,” Adam assured him. “If Shiro still had his right arm, he’d be able to show you some pretty nasty scars. But I think Keith’s grown out of that now. Probably.”

Lance snorted, knowing that Adam was mostly joking. “Shiro always gets to carry the most ruthless of battle scars.”

With a grin, Lance imagined Shiro dramatically showing off the teeniest of scars that vaguely resembled a younger Keith’s vicious teeth. Probably due to his Galra heritage, Keith had always appeared to have ridiculously sharp canines. Whenever he smiled, Lance caught a glint of them, just peeking out on the corner of his smirks or grins. It was kind of hot.

And then Lance had to forcefully stop himself from thinking of the kinds of marks that dangerous mouth could leave on _Lance_ in a completely different context.

Shaking himself subtly, Lance swallowed and tried to steer the conversation towards a less weighted topic.

“Oh, hey, Allura, why don’t you tell everyone about that problem you’re facing on New Altea?” he said, giving Allura a look. “You know, the one you were telling me about?”

Allura looked at him, and Lance could tell she could see his question for what it was – a distraction. One that had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on now, so that he could stop himself from thinking too much and getting emotional.

“Oh, right,” Allura said, leaning forwards. “The Arusian issue…”

And so Allura began to explain her dilemma to the others, and Lance gladly let himself get swept up in the conversation. Distraction was good. It was welcomed. Especially now, when there was nothing else he could do but sit and wait, when the entire outcome of this lay solely in Keith’s hands. There was no good in worrying, and Lance latched on to the escape his friends offered with both hands, willing to shut his eyes to the weight of his fate until it was decided for him. He refused to think too much about what that outcome might be, for fear that he’d either drown in his despair, or worse, let himself begin to hope.

***

When Keith awoke, he found himself sitting on something cold and hard – probably the bench he’d fallen asleep on – but leaning against something warm, soft and sturdy at his side. His muscles and joints ached from sleeping on something so uncomfortable, but he simply stretched his spine and pressed closer to the warmth at his side. He wasn’t ready to be fully awake yet.

Then, he felt a subtle movement, and realized that whatever he was lying on was chuckling in amusement. Inhaling, he took in the scent of pine needles and lavender.

“Shiro?” he mumbled.

Shiro laughed. “I swear, you’re like a cat,” he said, running a hand through Keith’s hair. “I could almost imagine you purring right now. Is that a Galra thing?”

“Shut up, Takashit,” Keith grumbled, despite huddling closer to his brother.

“Love you too, Coyote,” Shiro responded cheerfully.

“You literally just called me a cat,” Keith pointed out, reluctantly starting to rub the sleep from his eyes. “Pick a fucking animal.”

“I think both suit you just fine,” Shiro said. Keith decided to ignore that.

“Ugh, how long was I asleep?” Keith asked, looking up at him.

“Ah, a few hours,” Shiro replied. “Your mom said I’d find you here, but when I got here, you were already out.”

Oh, right. He had talked to his mom. Keith didn’t quite remember actually falling asleep, but he imagined that he’d curled into a ball like he’d done when he was a kid, and Shiro had come and found him in such an uncomfortable position and maneuvered Keith to sit up and lean against him instead. Since Keith was such a light sleeper, he knew that if it had been anyone else, he would have awoken immediately and probably attacked them, but there was something about people as familiar as Shiro that didn’t set off Keith’s defensive instincts – probably their scent or some shit. He did sort of remember Krolia mentioning a Galra thing at some point. Though, Keith would never admit that to Shiro – he’d tease him to the ends of the earth.

Realizing why Shiro was here, Keith expected to feel a spike of fear, but instead, looking up into Shiro’s warm, kind eyes, he somehow relaxed even further, in something that felt like acceptance.

“I’m guessing you’re here to talk about my feelings?” Keith asked.

Shiro shrugged. “Probably. If you’re ready.”

It was as simple as that. There was no heaviness to Shiro’s words – he just said it as it was. While everyone either walked on eggshells around Keith, or treated him like some kind of problem to be solved and fixed, Shiro did neither. He was open and genuine.

And so, Keith felt his features soften in the hint of a returning smile.

“Yeah. I am.”

***

When Keith finally came with his answer, it was late in the afternoon.

Lance and his friends were just laughing at old pictures of Matt on Adam’s phone that somehow looked _exactly_ like pictures of Pidge that Hunk had on his phone, when they heard the door slide open and Lance looked up to see him standing in the doorway, hand braced against the doorframe, raven hair swept out of his dark eyes. His friends fell silent.

“Keith,” Lance said. He found himself standing and taking a few steps toward the other boy. Keith blinked, seemingly surprised to find everyone there. Then, he shook his head and his gaze came to focus on Lance with an intensity that made Lance’s stomach flip.

Ignoring everyone else, Keith strode right up to him, meeting his gaze directly.

Keith took Lance’s hands in his. His grey-indigo eyes burned with a deep kind of resolve.

“I’m doing this,” he told him. “Because you’re part of my family. You always will be, and you don’t deserve this. So I’m doing this for _us_. For our family.”

His jaw was set. It was a look that Lance recognized – Keith’s look of pure, fiery determination. It showed that he meant every word.

Lance’s chest filled up with something – a warmth, bright something, stifling, all-encompassing. It pressed against his ribcage, pushing his heart rate to speeds that Lance was sure couldn’t be healthy, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Shaking his hands from Keith’s grasp, he pulled the other boy in for a hug and buried his face in his hair.

“Thank you,” he croaked, breathless, a lump welling in his throat. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “Thank you, Keith, thank you so much.”

Keith hugged him back, his grip gentle, but firm. “It’s the least I could do.” he murmured, so softly Lance could barely catch it over the sound of his own heart beating like crazy against his rib cage, a steady thrum that pulsed through his core right to his fingertips.

When Keith pulled back, he gripped Lance by the shoulders briefly, meeting his eyes momentarily, before nodding shortly and releasing him. He hovered a little awkwardly for a second, in a manner that had Lance painfully, _hopelessly_ endeared, then turned to Allura.

“When… when are we doing this?”

“Uh, we should do it as soon as possible,” Allura replied. “But it’s also best if you’re both mentally prepared, as it will not be easy; you will need a focused mind. So, tomorrow morning would be ideal?” She phrased it like a question.

Keith took a breath then nodded. “Ok. Tomorrow.”

He looked between Allura and Lance, then glanced at the others in the room self-consciously. “Uh. See you then.” And he turned and left the room, unaware of the storm he left in his wake, raging on in Lance’s soul.

***

“Do you think it’s going to work?”

Sitting down heavily on the bed, Lance hugged his pillow tighter to his chest. He was in the room he’d been given at the Garrison, Hunk sitting on the bed next to him. They often stayed at their Garrison dorms during the week, going home on weekends and on days they weren’t working. Often, they would have sleepovers in each other’s dorms, and tonight, Lance, Pidge and Hunk would be spending the night in Lance’s room. It wasn’t strictly allowed, but hey, there weren’t any _explicit_ rules against it, and besides, who would question the Paladins of Voltron? It was one of many the perks that came with such a heavy job, and Lance did not hesitate to take full advantage of it.

The tiniest of frowns quirked Lance’s lips as he pondered Hunk’s question.

“I don’t know,” he replied finally. “But I’d never bet against Allura.”

Humming in agreement, Hunk nodded. “You’re right. If anyone can do this, she can. I think you’re in safe hands, buddy.” He paused. “Well, unless she messes up because this is the first time she’s doing this kind of procedure. Or you or Keith mess up, since you guys know next to nothing about Altean magicky-whatever. Or it turns out that it’s too late for it to be effective. Or Keith just decides not to show up. Or….”

Trailing off, Hunk seemed to realize that he was only causing Lance to freak out more. “Or, uh, none of that could happen!”

Lance levelled him with a look.

“Sorry,” Hunk sighed. “I know I’m not helping. But I really do think this could work. Allura would have said so if she thought it wasn’t going to.”

With a sigh, Lance nodded in agreement, but he changed the subject, asking, “When is Pidge going to get here?”

“Uh, she texted me a minute ago saying she’d be here as soon as she’d finished moving every piece of furniture in Matt’s room exactly five inches to the left.”

Lance raised an eyebrow. “Did you ask _why_ she’s doing that?”

“He ate the last of the peanut butter,” Hunk replied, after scrolling through their messages to check. Right, Lance nodded in understanding. Pidge was very aggressive when it came to her peanut butter.

“So, how long did she say that would take?” Lance asked.

“Ten minutes, she says,” Hunk told him. “Wanna play some Killbot Phantasm while we wait?”

Lance agreed, and they booted up the game.

Once Pidge arrived, looking very pleased with herself, they all spent the rest of the evening playing video games and stuffing their faces with snacks. At one point, Lance and Pidge got into a vicious pillow fight because Lance had beaten Pidge at rainbow road and she was absolutely _convinced_ he had cheated, while Lance insisted that he’d done nothing of the sort, and that she was just being a sore loser. Hunk, of course, had stayed out of it, watching as he managed to eat most of the Doritos in their distraction. By the end of the night, they had all fallen asleep on Lance’s bed, surrounded by empty snack packets and with Lilo & Stitch still playing faintly in the background. Lance was the last one left awake, although he was getting there.

He was grateful to his friends for providing a distraction. He didn’t know what might have happened if he’d had to spend the rest of the day alone with his thoughts. At least, now, he was too tired to overthink.

For just a moment, he allowed himself to consider what it would be like if tomorrow’s Altean technique actually worked. He pictured Keith’s fiery smirks, his rare laughs, the way he’d subtly lean into it when Lance threw an arm around his shoulders, quietly slipping an arm around Lance’s waist in return, with a sarcastic quip ready on the tip of his tongue for every comment Lance threw at him. He pictured the shine in Keith’s dark eyes, the impossible softness in his smile – his real smile. The smile he reserved solely for Lance.

_By tomorrow_ , Lance thought, _I could have that all back. I could have him here with me_.

He quickly banished the idea. It was far too early to harbor hopes like that.

And yet, as Lance slipped into sleep, he found his mind lingering on the image of paler fingers intertwined with his own, violet eyes that sparkled with feeling and slightly chapped lips capturing his in the phantom of a touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a glimmer of hope!! I honestly enjoyed writing this chapter even though they were an emotional mess for 90% of it.
> 
> Tell me your thoughts in the comments <3
> 
> [My tumblr](https://kosmo-mckogane.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Once we start,” she continued, “we can’t back out. There will be no going back until we see this through, or the results could be…” She shook her head, letting her unfinished sentence hang in the air.
> 
> Keith and Lance exchanged a glance, and saw their determination reflected in each other’s eyes.
> 
> “I won’t back down,” Keith said.
> 
> “The only way is up, right?” Lance grinned. “Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man. This chapter was so hard to edit. I hope I did a good enough job for how tired I am.
> 
> I think half of it is because this fic is finally coming to an end, and despite how much energy it took from me… I’m gonna miss it? I honestly put so much into this and the fact that it’s ending is… bittersweet

Keith took a deep breath to steel himself, gazing at the door in front of him. This was the room where Allura had told them to meet her. They had the place to themselves for the afternoon to perform the healing technique she’d talked about. If this worked, Keith would get all his memories back. If it didn’t…

Briefly, Keith considered just turning around and running out of the Garrison as fast as he could. But, with Shiro standing beside him, he wasn’t sure that was the best course of action.

Besides, he could do this. He’d _promised_ that he’d do this.

Shiro placed a hand on his little brother’s shoulder.

“Are you ready?” he murmured.

Keith took a breath and shot him a reassuring smile. “Yeah,” he said, “I’ll be fine.”

Shiro bit his lip, then nodded. He was worried, Keith could tell, but if Keith said he could do this, Shiro would trust him.

Their talk yesterday had been, admittedly, long overdue. It had involved some sheepish apologies on Keith’s part, and many assurances from Shiro that he would have waited as long as it took for Keith to be ready.

Part of the reason, Keith thought, that he’d been so bent on hiding from Shiro was that he was… well, he’d been ashamed. The fears and turmoil he’d been having seemed trivial, especially when he thought he was past letting those fears get the better of him, when he’d thought that it was something he’d left behind in his teenage years. But Shiro had helped him understand that there was no shame in being affected, especially by a situation like this, and that he didn’t have to be afraid of judgement, or losing Shiro’s respect and love. It was a lesson that Keith had learned the hard way, many times over, but he thought he was finally starting to get it now. No matter how many times he failed, how many times he fucked up and fell down, Shiro would always be there at his lowest point to help him back up again. No exceptions. That was just what it meant to have someone who would never give up on you.

Turning to face one another, Shiro offered Keith a small smile, which Keith returned, before they clasped their right hands together and pulled each other into a hug. 

“You got this, alright?” Shiro murmured.

Keith nodded into Shiro’s shoulder. “Yeah. Thank you. I… I love you.” His voice very nearly cracked.

Shiro was still for a moment, before he pulled back to put his hands on Keith’s shoulders and give him a smile that brimmed with pride.

“I love you too, Coyote,” he returned, and wasn’t that just what it always came back to? Over time, although Keith had grown – and was still growing – he would always be the same kid his brother knew and loved, the same coyote Shiro had befriended all those years ago. Except now, Keith was starting to learn that he didn’t always have to roam the deserts alone. There were people that had his back, who he could trust and lean on. Keith still had to go to his brother for reassurance sometimes, and maybe he always would, but that was okay. Shiro would be there for him when he needed him, as would Keith for Shiro.

When Shiro reached up to gently ruffle his little brother’s hair, Keith didn’t even pretend to be annoyed. In fact, he found himself leaning into the touch ever so slightly, giving a tiny but warm grin.

Keith would always be grateful that he had Shiro. Now, he knew what had been missing when he’d hugged his mother. It was the thing he’d known all along: his family wasn’t just in his blood. It was the home he made for himself, the people who he had chosen and who had chosen him. It was the one person who had always believed in him, even when he couldn’t believe in himself. The person who held him up in his darkest moments, the one person who would never give up on him. His guardian, his brother, his best friend.

He’d been stupid not to have let him in from the start. With Shiro believing in him, Keith could start to believe in himself, too.

With another deep breath, Keith exchanged one last smile with his brother, before he turned and twisted the knob, pushing open the door and stepping into the room alone.

Lance and Allura were already there, and they seemed to be talking quietly, sitting cross-legged on the floor in the center of the room. They looked up as Keith came in, Allura waving to him warmly and Lance offering a nervous, wobbly smile.

“Keith,” Allura greeted. “I’m glad you’re here. We must start right away if we hope to succeed. Come, sit with us.”

Slowly, Keith pushed the door closed, leaving behind Shiro and any idea of running away, and stepped further into the room.

Lance looked up at him as he came to sit next to him and Allura, forming a small triangle. The twisted mix of emotion Keith saw when he looked into his eyes – guilt, fear, hope – gave him the resolve he needed. He nodded to him firmly.

“So, how does this work?” Keith asked, crossing his legs like the other two were doing.

“I need to connect to both of your quintessence,” Allura told him. “Once we start,” she continued, “we can’t back out. There will be no going back until we see this through, or the results could be…” She shook her head, letting her unfinished sentence hang in the air.

Keith and Lance exchanged a glance, and saw their determination reflected in each other’s eyes.

“I won’t back down,” Keith said.

“The only way is up, right?” Lance grinned. “Let’s do this.”

After eyeing them both to ensure their sincerity, Allura nodded. Carefully, she held out a hand to each of them. “Full circle,” she told them. They all joined hands.

“You sure you’re ready for this, Keith?” Lance whispered. It was designed to sound teasing, but Keith could detect the slight tremble in Lance’s tone.

“Born ready,” Keith returned with all the conviction he could muster. “See you on the other side.”

Keith felt Allura’s magic surrounding them. It buzzed beneath his skin, and surrounded them in a soft, insistent glow. It drew Keith to it, pulling him, guiding him, showing him the way.

He closed his eyes, and they were plunged into darkness.

***

_Keith._

Keith was floating. Which was weird, because he could have sworn he’d been sitting on something solid just a second ago. Also, he couldn’t… he couldn’t see anything.

_Keith._

Was that someone calling his name? He didn’t know how they could see him. It was so dark. Why was it so dark?

Wait, did he have his eyes closed? He did. Huh, that would explain the darkness. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to open them. He had the vague idea that he’d just been doing something, something important, but he couldn’t really find it in himself to ponder on it too much. This was kind of nice. Like he was asleep, but… conscious. He didn’t think he’d ever felt like this before. He felt so… at peace. Unaware of what was passing, yet unaffected by such trivial concern. He didn’t remember how he’d got here, but that didn’t seem to matter. He could stay here, and _nothing_ would matter anymore. He could just… exist.

_Keith!_

Or he could, if that voice would just shut the fuck up.

It didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere in particular. In fact, it didn’t seem to be coming from his surroundings at all.

_KEITH!_

_Oh for fuck’s sake_. Succumbing to his annoyance and curiosity, Keith managed to summon the will to crack open his eyes, and the world was flooded with light.

For a minute, he was blind. White light burned the back of his eyes, but for some reason he couldn’t close them. And then, slowly, everything started to go fuzzy, and Keith was blinking as his vision began to clear, and he was greeted with the soft, dark violet glow of the astral plane.

Huh. He hadn’t been here in a while. It was the same as always, galaxies surrounding him as far as he could see, the floor he was standing on seeming to be toeing the line between transparency and translucency – he could see stars and planets for light-years across space below him, an exact reflection of the ones above him, yet, he wasn’t falling into it because of this floor beneath his feet that didn’t really feel like a floor. It was weird. Kind of like standing on a mirror, except it reflected everything except himself, hence the encompassing fear that one wrong step would have him free falling through the vastness of space. Keith figured that the fact that he found that idea sort of exhilarating was proof enough that his adrenaline addiction might be a cause for concern.

It was on that note that Keith realized he wasn’t alone in the astral plane. Before him, he could see someone, a few yards in front of him, their figure blurred by a blue light. He couldn’t quite make them out. Keith’s own body seemed to glow red, a subtle but insistent tint on the edges of his vision. Surrounding them both was a light pink hum, an aura, like a third consciousness watching over them both.

Keith felt a tug. A nudge. A push. Unbidden, he felt himself drawn towards the other person, drifting forward almost absently in slow, light footsteps. The closer they got, the brighter they grew, until Keith’s vision was bathed in blue, encircling the other person until they were reaching out a hand, and so was Keith, red and blue beginning to mingle. When they touched, the universe exploded in purple.

Purple. So much purple, that Keith couldn’t see anything else. It engulfed him, obscuring his view and befuddling his mind until he was overcome with it. 

And then, all at once, it began to clear, giving way to a familiar scene.

Keith blinked. He was… at the Garrison. In that place where they’d kept Shiro hostage, and he currently had Shiro’s arm draped over his shoulder, supporting his weight.

This was... years ago, now. The first time he’d met the other paladins. He was reliving distant memory.

 _Like the space whale_ , Keith remembered Allura saying.

“ _Nope. No, you—No no no no, no you don't. I'm saving Shiro_.”

Keith looked up, and his breath hitched. A boy his age was marching towards him, glaring, determination etched into his sharp features. His chocolate brown curls were tousled, as if he’d run here, and he looked ready to take on the world.

“ _Who are you?_ ” Even as he spoke, Keith knew he had the answer. Seeing this boy stirred something deep within him, a faint flutter of feeling from a past he’d left behind, for the boy with a storm in his eyes and a fire in his soul. Somewhere in his chest, Keith felt a shift, like a dam beginning to crumble, letting the first splashes of a stream begin to trickle through.

“ _Uh, the name’s Lance?_ ”

Lance Sanchez-McClain was blinking at him expectantly, but then, suddenly, Keith’s vision began to fade once more into brilliant pale violet light. His surroundings and Lance were engulfed in it, swept away, and the universe seemed to spin in purple with Keith in its center.

Before Keith had the chance to be confused or question this, his vision was already clearing and he was being thrust in the midst of another situation.

They were on the castle-ship, and all the team was there, including Lance. The paladins had barely arrived in space, and something had gone awry.

“ _I bet it’s Keith’s fault,_ ” Lance was saying, giving Keith the side-eye where he stood, right next to him, for some reason. Seriously, Keith figured that if you didn’t like someone, you would want to stay as far away from them as possible, but of course Lance had to be different. He seemed to take pleasure in aggravating Keith.

“ _Say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better,_ ” Keith found himself growling, turning to Lance with a glare, irritation rippling beneath his skin, “ _After getting us stuck on the other side of a wormhole!"_

Lance retaliated just as aggressively, his voice rising in pitch as he thrust himself forward, their foreheads knocking together – literally butting heads. “ _I’ll stick you in a wormhole!”_

 _Well, I wouldn’t mind that,_ Keith’s brain supplied, before he internally slapped himself and glaring ten times harder. This was no time for stupid innuendos. He _hated_ Lance, with his whiny, annoying voice, his constant useless griping and senseless sarcastic comments, his whole showboating attitude. The guy thought he was the center of the universe, and for some ridiculous reason, he had decided that he needed to constantly antagonize Keith. Keith was supposed to be _mad_ at him, and no, he definitely was _not_ supposed to be paying attention to how blue his eyes looked up close, how he could now notice a dusting of freckles across his sun-kissed cheeks, spread out like constellations, and the softness of his bangs where they tickled his forehead. Not to mention his lingering scent of something fresh and sweet, like the ocean, or a passing thunderstorm, and something else – was that vanilla?

“ _Stow it, cadets,_ ” Shiro suddenly cut in, pushing the two apart from each other, and jolting Keith off of that very dangerous train of thought. As Shiro pushed him away, Lance threw his arms up in challenge at Keith, and Keith let out a scoff of contempt. Who the fuck did this cargo pilot think he was? Keith’s annoyance eclipsed any disappointment he may have felt at the loss of their proximity. This guy was such a tool. And Keith had no idea why Lance seemed to have it out for him.

But that was when, once again, Keith’s surroundings started to blur into purple. The last thing he saw was Lance’s smug sneer before his vision was overcome by the light.

When he once again blinked his eyes open, he was standing at the dining table at the castle, handcuffed to his teammates and laughing uncontrollably, as were the rest of the paladins. They were covered from head to toe in goo, which would probably be a bitch to wash out later, but somehow, they couldn’t find themselves to care, because – well, they were having _fun_.

“ _Stop!”_ Allura suddenly cut in, voice loud and demanding. They all fell into an embarrassed silence, turning to Allura apprehensively. “ _Do you see what you’re doing?”_

She raised her head to look at them, and they were shocked to see her grinning in delight. Food goo dripped from her hair, but her eyes twinkled happily. “ _You’re finally working together as one!_ _"_

They all blinked, glancing at one another.

“ _Hey,_ ” Keith realized, “ _She’s right!"_ He turned to Lance with a smile, and found his rival already smiling back at him.

“ _I… actually don’t hate you right now,_ ” Lance conceded, and, well, it wasn’t exactly compliment of the century, but hey, it was a start. He’d take it.

When Keith felt violet light creeping up on the edges of his vision once more, he took a moment to memorize the easy curve of Lance’s lips before closing his eyes and allowing his surroundings to change once more.

“ _Thank you, Keith._ ” Keith was in the pilot seat of his lion, Lance’s voice coming to him over the comms. Knowing Lance couldn’t see him, he allowed an affectionate smile to take over his face. “ _Now can you come and unchain me?”_

At that, Keith smirked. “ _Uh, what was that? You’re cutting out, I can’t– I can’t hear you._ ”

“ _Oh, come on, I thought we bonded,_ ” Lance whined. “ _Keith? Buddy? My man?"_

 _Your man, huh?_ Keith smiled. He liked the sound of that.

With Lance’s protests ringing in his ears, the scene changed once more.

A million moments played out before him. A silent night spent side by side under the stars, with no words to break the fragile truce that came with 3am loneliness. A heated sparring session, swords clashing relentlessly, a smug grin of challenge that made Keith’s stomach swoop with anticipation. Laughter during breakfast, a smile brighter than the sun, a small smudge of food goo stuck to the tip of a slightly upturned nose that Keith couldn’t help but find _adorable_. A million moments, snippets, little things, that all added up to make something big, something whole, something that swelled in Keith’s chest and threatened to set him ablaze.

But then…

“ _All the ladies want a piece of Loverboy Lance! Look around, Hunk. Any one of these girls could be the future Mrs. Blue lion._ ” Lance was glancing around the hall where the party was taking place. He shot finger guns at a couple of girls who were checking him out across the room, causing them to blush, one of them smiling shyly.

“ _Okay, Lance,_ ” Hunk replied absently, obviously used to this. Keith, on the other hand, was unable to hold back a scoff. A bitter pit was growing in his stomach.

Lance shot him an annoyed look. “ _There’s no need to be so jealous, Mullet,”_ he taunted. _“Maybe if you got a haircut, and fixed that resting bitch face of yours, you’d get some girls too."_

Keith paused for a second.

“… _Girls aren’t really my thing,_ ” he replied drily after a beat. He made his voice sound bored and unfazed, when he was really bracing himself for Lance’s reaction.

Hunk looked up, suddenly paying attention.

Lance, however, didn’t seem to get the hint. “ _What, are you too good for all that?”_ he scoffed. _“Got such a high and mighty attitude, you think a little romance is beneath you or something? Don’t be so stuck up. You think you’re so much better than all the rest of us, don’t you?”_

“ _Uh, Lance_ –” Hunk tried to interrupt, but Lance waved him off.

“ _No, Hunk! I’m sick of this_ _!”_ he cried dramatically, getting up in Keith’s space. “ _In case you hadn’t noticed, up there on your high horse, you’d have girls throwing themselves at you left right and center, if only you were willing to give them the time of day! God, you’re so fucking arrogant –_ ”

“ _Lance,_ ” Keith cut in sharply, fighting back second hand embarrassment. Something in his tone caused Lance to stop, blinking at Keith, who pinched the bridge of his nose exasperatedly. “ _That’s not– I don’t– I don’t like girls. I’m_ gay.”

In the background, Hunk face-palmed. Lance was silent for a beat.

“ _Oh,"_ he uttered, almost involuntarily.

Then, clearly caught off guard, Lance stammered out, “ _W-well, you– you’re scaring off the girls for everyone else! Maybe you should stop standing around and looking all… murder-ey! Maybe then, I could actually get a girlfriend. Ever thought about that? Huh?”_

Keith almost recoiled. Instead, he scowled deeply, folding his arms.

Hunk looked at his friend in alarm. “ _Lance –”_

“ _You are literally spewing bullshit right now,_ ” Keith said, not bothering to keep the annoyance and anger out of his tone. First Lance had a go at him for being stuck up, and then, when he found out Keith was gay, he accused him of hanging around too close to him. Did Lance really hate him that much? “ _You know you don’t have to stand here with me, right? It’s not like I’m stalking you. Just leave.”_

“ _Fine!”_ Lance spluttered. “ _Fine then, I’m leaving! Let me know, when I’ve hit it off with one of these hot alien chicks, if you ever even get a date, let alone a boyfriend, by standing alone and brooding in your little corner. Loner!”_

And with that, he stormed off, leaving a tangle of unpleasant feelings in Keith’s stomach. Yeah, Keith wasn’t going to lie. That stung.

Drowning out Hunk’s embarrassed apologies on his friend’s behalf, Keith watched Lance as he went and immediately struck up a conversation with the first vaguely humanoid girl he came across. He knew that later, when they were alone, Lance would find him and apologize for being so unnecessarily harsh, admitting that his overreaction was a shitty way to handle his shock. Keith, for his part, would shrug and accept the apology, telling Lance he wasn’t that bothered anyway.

But that didn’t matter. That warmth that had bloomed in Keith’s chest had withered and died.

He remembered now.

A new scene took form. Warm dusk sunlight bathed his skin, but Keith had never felt colder.

“ _A date with Allura? Wow. Well done, Lance._ ” He found himself saying, despite the ache in his lungs. He wanted Lance to be _happy_. He really, truly did.

So why did it hurt so much?

Another memory. Lance was laughing, his hand joined with Allura’s. He was so achingly beautiful, his head thrown back, curls handsomely tousled, blue eyes dancing with mirth. And that was when Keith had felt it. The first tickle at the back of his throat.

This was then that the flowers had come.

Memory after memory, Keith could feel them ensnaring his lungs, tightening his chest, weaving and growing until his fate was sealed.

Every brush of their fingers. Every friendly smile. Every laugh, every word, every minute, every second spent with Lance, his lungs got fuller.

The memories blurred with one another as Keith felt his body begin to seize up. It was all catching up to him now. He tried to gasp for air, but it was like he was in a vacuum. Each breath he tried to take was a clench to his lungs, a scrape to his throat, a cruel twist of the knife in his chest.

He loved Lance, with all his being, but with that came a horrible, ugly truth.

With that came the knowledge that he was dying.

And Keith could feel it happening. The more he fell in love, all over again, the more his lungs constricted with phantom pain. He knew that if he carried on like this, he wouldn’t last much longer.

Was it worth it, for Lance? Was the pain, the agony, the loss, all worth it for the boy with the ocean in his eyes and sunshine in his smile?

How was it, Keith wondered distantly, that a feeling so full, so pure, could tear him apart so desperately?

It didn’t matter, anyway. Keith was already taking his last breaths.

_No._

A voice rang out around him, bringing his whirling mind to a standstill.

 _Lance?_ Keith wondered.

Suddenly, everything around him shifted. He felt himself tugged, pulled, and once again, he was engulfed in a swirling light – only this time, it was a piercing blue, bluer than anything he’d seen before. When it cleared, he found himself somewhere he recognized, but didn’t remember ever coming to at this time of day. Looking down at himself, he found that he was glowing red, faded – that was when Keith understood that he wasn’t really here. The grass beneath his feet didn’t flatten and crunch. It blew in the breeze, unaware and unaffected by his presence.

This was, indeed, another memory, but this time, it was different. This memory wasn’t his. He was being shown a memory that was solely Lance’s.

Keith was barely managing to stay conscious from the tearing pain in his chest. Taking in his surroundings, he realized that they were at the park near Lance’s house. In front of the bench a few yards before him, Keith could see Lance and Allura embracing one another, before they pulled back and Allura took Lance’s hands in hers, saying something Keith was too far away to hear.

Chest clenching, Keith choked. Why was Lance showing him this? Was he trying to kill him faster?

 _No, you dramatic idiot_ , Lance’s voice rang out in his head again, exasperated. _Look_.

The memory zoomed in, so Keith could hear Lance and Allura talking.

“ _You’re right,_ ” Lance was saying. “ _It’s Keith, Allura. I love him. So much,_ ” his voice cracked, his eyes glistened with feeling, and –

_Oh._

A fresh gasp of air filled Keith’s lungs.

The scene began to dissolve before him, and Keith could finally _see_.

It was the hand on his shoulder and a warm grin, a silent promise that they would get through this together.

It was the adrenaline in his veins, the sound of rapid gunshots as a rifle was fired, the slash of his sword against metal, the feeling of blind trust and faith in someone he couldn’t see, yet who he knew would always have his back, no matter what.

It was the wind whipping his hair and his grip on the handlebars of his hover-bike, the arms wrapped tightly around his middle, a little closer than strictly necessary, and the sound of euphoric whoops ringing in Keith’s ears as they thundered along rocky cliffs, the sky turning purple.

It was the deep, stormy blue of the eyes gazing into his own, the quiet, shared smile, holding a warmth that Keith had never managed to fully comprehend, but now washed over him like the crashing of ocean waves against the shore.

Lance loved him, too.

***

Keith opened his eyes, gasping for air, as if he’d been drowning and had just broken the surface. His thoughts were swirling, mind filled with one name, one face, one word.

His hands trembled, almost unable to bear the magnitude of the emotions that were so suddenly flooding his chest, engulfing him in the curling licks of a freshly lit fire that roared like it had been doused in a shower of gasoline. The ache of it was something overwhelming that he hadn’t felt in so long, a passion that filled his bones and ignited his core, a feeling so forgotten that it scraped at the deepest, rawest parts of him.

“Keith?” Keith’s breath hitched at the sound of that voice – smooth like honey, his name so sweet on those lips.

When he looked up, he forgot how to breathe.

“Lance.” He almost wasn’t aware that he’d spoken out loud, too busy drinking in the sight of the boy in front of him. He was as breathtaking as the day he’d met him.

Slowly, hesitantly, Keith reached out a trembling hand to cup Lance’s face, brushing his thumb over his cheek. Emotion welled in Keith’s throat as he traced his eyes over him, from the slope of his adorable, slightly upturned nose to the sharp curve of his jawline, taking in the short, messy curls of hair that framed his features so strikingly and relishing in the sharp intake of breath that slipped past his slightly parted lips. His gaze finally came to rest on Lance’s eyes – the deepest of blues, brimming with intensity.

“Keith,” he breathed, his voice shaky. “Did it –”

“Lance,” he gasped again. God, he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of the taste of Lance’s name on his tongue. “Lance, you’re so beautiful, always wanted to tell you that, Lance –”

Keith’s mind was moving too fast for him to keep up with. It was all at once and his mouth was dry and he couldn’t do anything but drink in the sight of Lance, Lance who was here, Lance who he could see and touch and hear, and Keith could barely _breathe_. All he could do was cup Lance’s face in both his hands, tracing his thumbs over his cheeks and under his eyes and over his brows.

Keith let out a choked laugh. “I can feel it,” he said, almost lightheaded with happiness. “Lance, I can –”

Keith grabbed Lance’s hand and placed it against his own chest, allowing him to feel the rapid thumping of his heart against his ribcage, how his pulse was going crazy. Lance gasped at the feeling, a small, shaky sound that made Keith’s insides melt. Looking down at his own hand in wonder, Lance’s expression softened immeasurably, his lips curling in a tiny, breathless smile.

“You –” the words seemed to tangle in Lance’s throat, “Is that– Does this mean –”

“Yeah,” Keith breathed, barely audible, “She did it. This –” he tightened his grip on Lance’s hand, “This is all you, Lance.”

Lance simply looked at him for a moment, face slack with awe. His expression did something complicated, flickering from shock to disbelief, searching Keith’s expression frantically. Whatever he found in Keith’s eyes seemed to leave him breathless, eyes beginning to shine with moisture.

Then, Lance was surging forward, clambering clumsily onto Keith’s lap to engulf him in his arms with a choked cry. Keith’s arms wound around his middle, holding him closely with equal fervor. He buried his face in the junction between Lance’s neck and shoulder, inhaling deeply, breathing him in.

And Lance? It was all he could do to cling to Keith with everything he had. He was reeling with shock and euphoria, tears welling in his eyes.

He threaded his fingers through Keith’s hair, pulling him back momentarily to gaze into his eyes. Lance brushed Keith’s bangs back from his face to see him properly, to see those pretty violet eyes beneath thick arched brows, clouded with passion, the same passion Lance had been aching to see for so long, it had felt like he’d been starved for a lifetime. It held the same heat, that same urgency, that pulled and swirled in Lance’s own chest, and, _God_ , to see that look reflected right back at him, after weeks of emptiness? To Lance, it was a miracle that couldn’t be matched.

He brought Keith’s face closer toward him until their noses were brushing gently. Ever so slowly, almost afraid that any sudden movement would cause Keith to evaporate like a dream beneath his touch, Lance closed the gap between them, brushing their lips together tentatively.

And his whole universe exploded when Keith brought a hand up to cup his face, the other gripping his waist tightly, and _kissed him back_.

It was chaste, yet slow, and Lance didn’t want to do anything but drink it in, his hands dragging down Keith’s sides, exploring his body as their lips moved against each other, a gentle push and pull, every touch setting fire to Lance’s soul.

Eventually, they pulled back just to hold each other. Keith rested his head on Lance’s shoulder with a small exhale, nosing into his neck again.

“God, I can’t believe this is real. Am I dreaming?” Lance asked, dazed.

With a snicker, Keith pressed his palm between Lance’s shoulder blades. “You’d better not be, dumbass.”

“Oh, I’m the dumbass?” Lance murmured into Keith’s hair. “I hate you so much for doing this to me, you know that?” He tucked Keith as close as possible, cradling his head in his hands with trembling fingers, “Kept me waiting for _so long_.”

“You want to talk about waiting? You have no fucking clue,” Keith whispered, and Lance’s answering chuckle dissolved into a gasp as Keith dragged his lips along the column of his neck, sending electricity sparking along his skin and awakening desire deep in his gut.

Then, the sharp sound of a throat being cleared burst their little bubble, bringing them abruptly back to reality. “Ah, I wasn’t going to interrupt, but…” Allura sounded slightly embarrassed, but mostly amused as she spoke up.

Immediately, Keith pulled back, an embarrassed flush coloring his cheeks as he remembered their audience. Muttering an apology to Allura, who was simply smiling softly, he was about to pull away fully, but Lance wasn’t ready to let him go yet. He cupped his hand around the other boy’s neck, tangling his fingers into his hair and bringing their foreheads together gently.

Closing his eyes, he basked in their closeness for a second, and felt Keith relax against him too, his breath tickling Lance’s lips.

After allowing himself a moment, Lance pulled back slowly, reluctantly untangling their bodies and climbing off of Keith. His body mourned the loss of contact, but right now, Lance had other things to attend to.

As Keith got to his feet, Lance turned to Allura, who was regarding them fondly, and pulled her into a tight, crushing hug.

She’d actually done it. Just when he was beginning to lose hope, to accept that there was nothing he could do to fix things, Allura, amazing, beautiful, wonderful Allura, had reached out and managed to pull them back from the brink where no-one else could have reached them. He almost couldn’t believe what she’d given them. She’d done something truly magical, gifting them a chance at a future that Lance could never have brought himself to hope for.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice hoarse, barely there. There wasn’t anything he could say that could convey how grateful he was, but he knew that Allura understood when her arms tightened around him in turn. She knew a thing or two about love.

When Lance released her, Keith stepped forward. He looked close to tears as he took Allura’s hands in his own.

“Allura, I can’t thank you enough. What you’ve done… You don’t know how much this means to me,” he told her, voice unsteady.

Allura only smiled in that knowing way of hers. “Oh, I think I do,” she replied softly, her eyes momentarily gaining a distant look before she squeezed his hands and then dropped them to wrap her arms around him. Keith hugged her back, catching Lance’s eye over her shoulder. Lance watched as he blinked, and a single tear slipped down his face, staining his skin, his lip trembling with emotion.

And then Lance was stumbling forward, overcome with happiness, and throwing his arms around them both, unable to hold back a sob. Thanks to Allura, the two of them finally had the chance for a new beginning, a future together.

And right then, as all three of them shared their joy, Lance began to think that, yeah, maybe everything would be alright after all.

***

The chill of the early morning air nipped at Keith’s ears and the tip of his nose. The sun hadn’t yet risen and he wasn’t sure what time it was – maybe around five in the morning? – but he had woken early that day, and hadn’t been able to get back to sleep.

That in itself wasn’t uncommon. Keith often found himself struggling to sleep, but usually, it wasn’t for reasons that could be seen as _good_ in any way. Today, though, was an exception.

Yesterday, Allura had brought his memories back. Yesterday, he had felt something for Lance again for the first time in so long. Yesterday, he had kissed the boy he loved, and it hadn’t shattered their friendship, or pushed them apart; instead, incredibly, earth-shatteringly, Lance had kissed him back.

Shortly afterwards, the afterglow of Allura’s magic had worn off, and she’d practically collapsed on the spot from exhaustion. She was fine, but she’d need a lot of rest to make up for the amount of magic she’d used. Keith couldn’t begin to describe how grateful he was to her. What she’d done wasn’t just something that could be given so easily, and he had no idea how he would even begin to repay her. Keith wasn’t religious, by any means, but he knew that every night from now on, he’d be sending a prayer to the universe for Allura’s happiness.

On that note, he reminded himself to give Romelle one hell of a shovel talk when she inevitably left for Altea with the princess. Not that she needed it – Allura could punch Romelle in the face and she’d probably thank her, and anyway, Allura was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Still, it couldn’t hurt to be sure.

Either way, Keith could barely process what had happened.

It still felt like a dream. He was almost afraid that if he slept too deeply, he would wake up to find that it had all slipped away into fantasy.

More than anything, he was aching to see Lance.

But he couldn’t exactly go barging into Lance’s room so early in the morning – the other boy was probably fast asleep right now, and would likely be annoyed at Keith for disrupting his beauty sleep or something (not that Lance needed it, in Keith’s most unbiased opinion).

So he was here. Outside the Garrison, leaning his forearms against a fence railing that overlooked the expanse of the desert and the skyline where the sun would rise. Already dressed in his uniform, because there was no way that he would be going back to sleep any time soon.

It was still hard to wrap his head around the fact that Lance loved him. Hell, for so long Keith had thought the other boy was _straight_. He’d constantly reminded himself not to read too much into their interactions, not to project his feelings. He’d always focused first on whatever would make Lance happy, and he’d always believed that it would never be with him. It was more than a little difficult to get out of that mentality.

If Lance had come up to Keith a month ago and told him he was in love with him, Keith just straight up wouldn’t have believed it. He probably would have laughed out loud, told Lance, ‘ _wow, that’s a good one'_. Even if he and Lance had done a fucking mind meld to prove it, Keith probably would have come up with some reason why it just couldn’t be true. Keith’s acceptance that his love would never be requited was just _that_ deep-rooted. Now though, with everything he’d seen, everything he’d done, everything he’d experienced with Lance, it was like he’d broken down this barrier that had always prevented him from fully understanding Lance, and he was finally seeing his emotions laid bare. Every time Keith thought about it, his stomach swirled with something deep and profound. To think that the one thing that he’d never allowed himself to wish for had been right before him this entire time, just inches out of reach. Honestly, he thought with a smile, he felt kind of stupid looking back on it now.

And there was another thing. He had been struggling to process everything that had gone on in the past few weeks. The memories that he’d lost seemed to be such an integral part of him that he couldn’t believe he’d been living without them so obliviously. Half of his own thoughts, actions, and things that he’d said recently were almost laughable – like one of those weird dreams that were so vivid at the time, but seemed completely ridiculous in hindsight. Even the fact that he was able to breathe clearly without going into a coughing fit and hacking up forget-me-nots was going to take some getting used to.

Thinking about how he’d let Lance suffer so much recently, the hollow look in his eyes, the pain he’d carried with him that Keith had made no move to alleviate – it made Keith’s blood simmer with restrained anger. The fact that there was nothing he could do about it now, after the fact, frustrated him to no ends. He decided he’d just have to make up for it now, however he could. Keith swore, as long as he lived, he’d do everything in his power to ensure that he never caused Lance to feel that kind of turmoil ever again.

After everything, Keith wasn’t exactly the same now, he supposed. He wondered if, in some twisted way, this needed to happen for him to grow as a person. He certainly understood a lot of things now that he hadn’t before – lessons he thought he’d already been taught, only to have them shown to him in a different light. Needless to say, there were a lot of conversations he needed to have with many people, including Lance.

Just then, the sound of the door behind him being swung open jolted him from his thoughts, and he glanced back to see the very boy he’d just been thinking about standing in the doorway, hair slightly mussed from sleep. Keith felt a soft smile immediately spread across his face, and Lance grinned back at him, seemingly not surprised to find him here.

Like Keith, Lance was already dressed in his Garrison uniform, and looked breathtaking as always. Keith had always wondered how he managed to look so good all the time. He resisted the urge to run a hand through his own unbrushed hair, or straighten his uniform. Why Lance would ever fall in love with a mess such as himself, Keith had no clue, but he decided not to question it. Good things had a habit of disappearing when he thought too much about them.

Keith offered him his hand. “Hey, sharpshooter.”

Lance’s smile softened, and he took Keith’s hand as he came to stand next to him.

“You know, you never actually said it.” Lance commented in lieu of a conversation starter.

Keith’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Said what?”

“You know,” Lance’s smile was light, but the rapid tap of his fingers against his thigh gave away his nerves. “The L-word. The commitment bomb. The big gay confession.”

Keith snorted at Lance’s ridiculousness, shaking his head a little in amusement. “What are you talking abou–” then he paused, realizing what Lance meant.

“… Shit. You’re right, I haven’t.” It was Lance’s turn to chuckle, albeit a little nervously.

Keith stepped into Lance’s space, releasing his hand to wrap an arm around him and turning to look deep into his eyes. He felt Lance’s breath hitch slightly.

“Lance,” he said, never faltering, “I love you. So fucking much.”

Lance let out a weak chuckle, bringing his own arm to curl it up around Keith’s back and rest his hand on his shoulder. “A little blunt, I guess, but you never did beat around the bush,” he grinned. “Took you long enough.”

His eyes, slightly watery and bright, told Keith all the things he couldn’t say. _I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you remember me. I’m so glad you love me._ Keith felt almost breathless to have that look directed at him.

He tilted his head to the side. “So, are you gonna say it back, or…?”

Lance pretended to think about it. “Hmm, I don’t know…” He tapped on his lips thoughtfully. Very subtle, Lance.

Keith groaned, dropping his head. “Come on, Lance.”

The other boy let out a laugh. “Alright, alright, cool your jets, Samurai.” And Keith had to admit, he liked that nickname a _lot_ better than ‘ _Mullet_ _’_.

Leaning in closer, Lance used a finger under Keith’s chin to tip his face up and meet his eyes, so that Keith could feel the tickle of his breath against his lips. He gazed at Keith fondly. “I love you,” he murmured lowly, softly, a sound that went straight to Keith’s chest and turned his bones to jelly.

Keith allowed himself a tiny smirk, and replied, “I know.”

There was a brief pause.

Then Lance was smacking his shoulder with an indignant huff and Keith was laughing uncontrollably.

“Did you seriously just Han Solo me, you asshole?” Lance pouted through Keith’s laughter.

“I’m sorry!” Keith snickered, dropping his head onto Lance’s shoulder. Lance was not impressed.

“I _knew_ showing you Star Wars was a mistake, you _nerd_ ,” Lance complained. “You ruined a perfect romantic confession, Keith!” Though, Keith could hear that he was suppressing a smile.

“Come on, I’ll make it up to you.” Keith tried. “I can do something romantic. I could buy you flowers.” He grinned, then joked, “I’m thinking maybe… forget-me-nots?”

Lance stiffened against him. Keith raised his head sheepishly. “Too soon?”

“ _Way_ too soon,” Lance agreed.

They maintained eye contact for a total of three seconds, before Lance let out a snort, and then they were both laughing.

It wasn’t even that funny, Keith knew, but they were both just so _happy_. Happy just to be there. Happy just to exist together, Lance and Keith, side by side.

When their laughter died down, the two found themselves gazing at one another fondly. Keith’s grip on Lance’s waist tightened, and he reached out his other hand to cup Lance’s cheek. When he leaned in, Lance met him in the middle with an intensity only matched by Keith’s own.

Their kiss was searing, and as Lance slid his hand down Keith’s side, Keith scraped his teeth gently against Lance's lower lip, to which Lance let out a low sound of approval. Lance’s other hand came up to tangle into the very hair that he was so insistent that he hated, despite taking every opportunity to touch it. Keith almost had to pull back with a snort at the thought. He would have teased Lance about it, but Keith was afraid that if he did that, Lance would stop doing it. And as much as Keith loved making fun of Lance, he also really loved the feeling of his blunt nails scratching ever so slightly at his scalp, and the delicate _tug_ as long fingers played with the locks and wove between strands.

When they finally did pull away, Keith took a moment to take in the sight of Lance. His ocean eyes were blown wide, pupils dilated, and his lips were slightly swollen from the attention. No doubt Keith looked the same, if the way Lance’s eyes trailed over his face in turn. He was panting a little, breathlessly, and Keith absolutely had no choice but to pull him back in for a hug.

He almost couldn’t believe his luck, being able to be loved by Lance and to love him in return. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the feeling. Lance laughed into his hair, sounding just as giddy as Keith felt, and Keith hugged him a little tighter.

“You gonna stick with me now?” Keith asked, voice a little muffled. He meant the words to be light and tinged with humor, but they came out different. More vulnerable.

Lance pulled back to look him in the eyes. Cupping Keith’s face in a hand, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to each of his cheeks, his forehead, the tip of his nose, and finally a lingering one on his lips. Keith felt his breath hitch and his face heat with a blush, and Lance’s lips seemed to curve into a fond smile at the sight.

“Oh, you’re stuck with me now, Cariño,” Lance said quietly, blue eyes twinkling, and Keith’s heart skipped a beat. “You are _never_ getting rid of me.”

Feeling a lump rise in his throat, Keith swallowed it down. He didn’t want to get emotional all over again. He settled for pulling Lance in for another kiss, this one more chaste and sweet, and filled with all the words he couldn’t bring himself to say.

From the way Lance traced small circles on his back with his fingers, and ran his fingers gently through his hair, Keith knew he understood.

Eventually, they released their hold on one another, but left their hands joined between them, just enjoying the feeling of _being_ together. Keith felt his heart melt. Yeah, they still had a lot to talk about. Whatever had gone on in the past few weeks was a lot to process. They both still had their issues to work through. But that was okay. For now, this was enough. They had time, after all.

Lance’s gaze shifted, and then he nodded toward the skyline. “Look,” he whispered softly.

Keith followed his gaze and saw the first rays of light peeking above the horizon.

“The sunrise,” he murmured.

As they turned to watch the start of a new day, Keith felt Lance’s hand shift in his own, interlocking their fingers and squeezing tightly. Keith’s smile softened impossibly, his chest brimming with affection, and he squeezed back.

Watching the sun emerge from the horizon, Keith couldn’t help but think this felt like more than a new day. It felt like a chance, a new beginning.

It felt like the future, and Keith was ready to face it with Lance by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this fic, angst and all. I’ll be posting some doodles of scenes from this fic on [my tumblr](https://kosmo-mckogane.tumblr.com/) soon, so be sure to stay tuned! 
> 
> *Edit: [Art](https://kosmo-mckogane.tumblr.com/post/643113670943162368/little-scenes-from-my-fic-that-i-decided-to-draw) has been posted!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos!! Don’t forget to leave a comment on this last chapter letting me know your final thoughts. Love you all xxx


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